Dr. Earl R. Smith II
Managing Partner, The Federal Circle
DrSmith@Dr-Smith.com
www.Dr-Smith.com
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Many of my coaching engagements begin with a focus on the kinds of questions that a client has been asking themselves. It may seem strange at first to suggest that it is the question rather than the answer which is important; but that is the case more often than not. The seminal indicator that this is the case is the ‘why’ question.
- Why is this happening to me?
- Why am I so unlucky?
- Why does everybody treat me this way?
- Why can’t I live a life that I enjoy?
- Why can’t I find my true calling?
It takes a lot of heavy lifting to get a client to see that their questions are really the first challenge that we have to attack. We have to replace all those questions with ‘how’ questions.
- How can I change what is happening to me?
- How can I become luckier?
- How can I get everybody to treat me with respect and kindness?
- How can I live a life that I will enjoy?
- How can I find my true calling?
The simple change from why to how brings a fundamental shift in the way each client sees themselves. The why questions are for victims while the how questions are for people who are pro-active in molding their life. When you begin to figure out how to make your life better, you have taken a major step forward. Once you give up the status of victim and become the author of your own life, you begin to create that life rather than having others create it for you.
This simple change can bring a major shift in a client’s self-image. It can also radically change their behavior. I sometimes feel as if I have turned a precocious two-year-old loose in the world. But now, instead of why, the persistent question is how? One client rushed up to me in a restaurant and said, “My life has completely changed. Now every experience becomes a how question. I am always looking for ways to make my life better. I always am asking myself, how I can make it better.”
Always take care of your life, never let it become an accident already happening.
© Dr. Earl R. Smith II
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Related Articles:
- Leadership and Literature
- Leaving the Rut Means Growing Your Life
- Breaking Out of a Rut
- Some Unexpected Benefits of Coaching
- Charting the Course for Change
- Your Life as a Work in Progress
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The Federal Circle provides advisory services to companies working in the federal contracting space. Its core team and network of advisers has a deep understanding of the government contracting space. Together they represent a rich resource for companies trying to generate traction in these very competitive markets. Contact us for a free initial consultation.
12 Responses to “Wondering Why?”
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Susan Shwartz PhD wrote:
Overthinking occurs when you’re becoming stale. When that happens, the best thing to do is set the project aside for awhile, rest, and then approach it with fresh eyes.
Twenty Second Tweak® #4 – by Paul Arthur Davenport Coulter
What Now?
‘Tis the season of ideas that inundate me ‘til I burst.
But, instead of homeruns I continually wind up on first.
Somehow I’m stuck, not mastering this intricate game.
I have great reasons frosted with an itty bit of shame.
Yelling, screaming, cussing, and eating ice cream,
Yes, any distraction takes me further from my dream.
If I’m the problem, explain to me, so I can plainly see,
What maintains this mystery that baffles me?
Others say my excuses and rationalizations are leading me to fail.
Are my reasons not the real reasons, the roots that will prevail?
Earlier elucidation I’m just remembering, important to recall,
That choices made by reasons are really not choices after all.
My results, outcomes and decisions faithfully reflect a deeper whim,
Limiting other possibilities blocked by my stronger held beliefs within.
Be true to myself while listening to messages my heart will reveal,
And the things I want will soon become more evident and real.
Approach my process with integrity, remain aware, continuously curious,
Trusting my game will improve exceptionally, as I explore the mysterious.
Excellent article. In essence it entails a change of attitude. Instead of being the martyr on the receiving end of injustices and bad luck, it involves taking responsibility and accountability for your own life and career and doing something about it.
John Kelliher wrote:
Hi Dr Earl,
I am toying with a start-up of my own. As you may imagine I am a bit prone to overthinking myself. However the essence of the organisations operation is an implementation programme, along with an exploitation plan (in a financial sense).
So while I recognise your concerns, the plan needed some considerable thinking to begin with. However, now we are past that stage.
Br
John
Yok Soo Hoo wrote:
In asking why we become victims of our circumstances instead of directors of our lives.
We should adopt statements instead of questions
I want to be the best consultant in real estate.
I want to maximize my talents as a indie film producer and share my films with the world.
Marco Monfils wrote:
Hi Dr. Earl,
You are totally right. Sometimes i forget.
How is the key driver for implementation, Why precedes it, hopefully:-)
Mohan Dharmarajan wrote:
Parelely one can define and verify the answers to the proactive or positive how questions and ensure that you are treading on the right path.
Sometimes people may not be aware that they are actualy walking towards a den.
Regards
Yair Granek wrote:
Great approach !
Bob Wilkes wrote:
Over thinking and not making progress sounds more like indecisiveness. Afraid to make a decision as it may be the wrong one. To get to the How, one must also be a little fearless. How leads to doing something – making a decision to execute and executing can be scary if you are not confident or if afraid. I have always encouraged my people to make a decision, even if it’s the wrong one, because you can always make another decision to get back on track, in fact a great leader will do exactly that, admit it was a wrong decision and move forward with another decision, being fearless. The key is doing something to get moving, people dislike inaction, especially from a leader. Of course it goes without saying I hope that there is some level of due diligence done, but 100% mortal lock on a decision doesn’t exist. Got to believe in yourself
Phil Lauro wrote:
I think maybe the problem is under thinking. Like most issues in this topsy turvey world, complexity has become a mental defect and simplicity has become the new complex.
Wallace Jackson wrote:
In my profession How is infinitely more important than Why…
Dinesh Vasandani wrote:
Excellent article, I had a similar experience a few years back. I was given the responsibility to study the impact of a significant design change. I spent couple of weeks working on this project and reported my results to my sensei. He reviewed the report and complemented me and then asked me to make just one change, at this point I was feeling really good, a major report and only one change. Excited, I asked him what and he replied, “I want to you change just one thing, instead of why we cannot do this change, how can we make this change happen”. This was a major life changing event for me and I thank him for it.