Dr. Earl R. Smith II

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Patricia Frame wrote:

Why bother to reply? You sound defensive, the person gets extra publicity or a response that encourages the behavior. Better to ignore.

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Paula Smith wrote:

Personally, I find when I try to respond to people like that it is really for my benefit and not theirs. Nothing anyone says will add value to their lives. So, what will make you feel better and add value to your life? If it’s saying something to them, go for it.

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

DANIEL S. MARKHAM wrote:

Dr. Smith,

My experience with such a response, and the people behind them, is not to respond, nor get into any discussion with them.

I have found these people to be low in self-esteem, with no method to improve their status except to bring others down to their lowly level. They do not have the ability to understand what you were saying because they are so consumed by a false misplaced high opinion of themselves, overshadowed by a condescending superior attitude that has stopped the flow of blood to their brain!

My suggestion; move on and move forward. If you happen to cross these people again in the future, you will find them stuck in the same place with the same self-destructive attitude.

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Posted by Chris Barton wrote:

Dr. Smith,

In my view sometimes it is better not to respond to this type of arrogance, because you will add no value to a self-obsessed bigot as they feed on response/attention, don’t give them it.

Good luck,

Chris.

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Hilary Hutchinson wrote:

It’s such a pity that so many people sink to these sort of remarks, but increasingly it seems to be the way of the world. These people cause such frustration and upset, life seems to be such a painful process for them and they must feel that something is owed to them simply because they exist. You are though allowing their attitudes to affect you too much by trying to converse with them – best not to say anything really just let them be twisted and angry on their own. Peace be with you Dr.Earl – don’t waste your life on it.

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Alan Kaufman wrote:

I have found that the meaning of words is in the person hearing them, not in the person speaking them.

In other words, whatever meaning YOU attach to the words, that’s what they mean. It doesn’t necessarily indicate that the person meant the words spoken to be insulting. That’s how YOU interpreted the words.

It’s for that reason that I prefer communicate in that antique method of actually talking with the person I’m trying to communicate with. When speaking, if I try to be humorous, they can hear the inflection in my voice, and know I’m going for the laugh.

On the other hand, when writing, if I don’t use some means ( :-} ) of conveying humor, they may not get that I’m trying to be funny.

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Evangelos Zographos wrote:

Interesting. Could it be a cultural issue? In which case they feel for some reason insulted/slighted and are responding aggressively. Whatever the cause however – if there is one – I have to agree with Ramon. Acknowledging their perceived insult/negative feelings might generate a more positive response and help get to the root of the problem. Otherwise you just might be dealing with someone who just hides behind the internet to vent their anger.

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Monica, Thanks for the comment. I like your approach to the situation a lot. Dr. Smith

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Robin Cook wrote:

Earl, if someone is that totally clueless there probably isn’t any viable response, other than to walk away. I’m hardly the most socially adept person in the world, but even I would know better than to behave the way you’ve described!

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

John Prpich wrote:

Let it go.

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Ramón Arras-Rubio wrote:

Keep it simple…”Im sorry you feel that way” works most of the time. This aknowledges the person without giving too much importance to the attitude.

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Krystal McAllister wrote:

You are wasting your time. Use the comment or experience in a speech/talk and let that provide the comment with some value.

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Mark, I think that your three categories are good ones. It is the third one that gives me pause. People who start out needing to denigrate the person they are talking to are problematic and probably should be avoided.I admit that I also pass along ‘unrequested references’ on these people. I want my friends and business associates to know just what kind of person this is. As a group, we avoid doing business with such people and that extends to the companies they work for. Dr. Smith

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Chris Murray wrote:

Earl, I agree with Eddie. Life if too short to fix everything or to make everything better. Spending effort on this activity drains your creativity to make an impact elsewhere – and there’s where you can make a positive difference.

Alison

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Chris, I also try that initial approach. Sometimes it works but often the other person seems to think that they get an advantage from the initial attack. a friend of mine describes it this way – “Your an idiot, now let’s talk reasonably.” I suspect the initial aggressive response comes from a deeply seated sense of insecurity or low self-esteem. In any case, it is a real pain and waste of good possibilities. Dr. Smith

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Paul Castain wrote:

Dr Smith: I wouldn’t waste your time on someone like that!

They obviously get their jollies out of taking shots at other people.

Was this in a Linkedin group? If so, I would ask the group manager to take action.

If they don’t want to take action, go join a group where the manager gives a damn enough to protect their culture!

Respectfully,
Paul Castain

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Jim, thanks for the comment. the context you described is familiar to me – I have been there often both as a principal and adviser. You are exactly right – if such behavior occurs, get yup an leave. it is a precursor to much more difficult behavior. A seller who feels the need to insult a potential buyer is not somebody to be dealing with. Dr. Smith

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

srishti vatsa wrote:

i can completely understand that this totally unjustified . But the 2 best things that i could suggest to you is
1.)purposive ignorance and the better one ,
2) beat them at politeness . it definitely works and it is definitely worth the effort . patience pays ..

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Paul, Thanks for the comment. I take your points and think that a couple of them are particularly important. Your first one for instance. Many people find language difficult – even unwieldy. I also accept that much of this behavior is unthinking. But that, of course, is part of the issue under discussion. I think of the years of such behaviors accumulating masses of rejection and isolation. It would be useful to be able to just touch such a person and save them from all of that. Maybe that is too much to expect. Dr. Smith

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Posted by Roy Salisbury wrote:

Depending on the setting, if it is a social media space you need to determine the value of responding and 9 out of 10 you should pass. It is just not worth the time to try and change people who will not change or who believes they are always right.

Roy

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Padric, Thanks for the light touch – and the smile it brought. When faced with a gratuitous insult, just call in the A-Team! I love it. Dr. Smith

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Laura Dodson, CPA wrote:

Such responses reveal more about the person bestowing the insult than the person receiving it.

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Susan Shwartz PhD wrote:

Ever hear the adage: “Don’t argue with a pig. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.”

You can’t “let” them; they’re the ones who have the power to change. You have only X much energy. Save it for the people who can happily accept what you have to give or whose resistance can be worked through.

And you have a responsibility to yourself too.

Dr. Earl R. Smith II says:

Susan, I suspect that your advice is very sound. There is a part of me that wants to help the person realize the cumulative, negative impacts of their behavior on their life and life experience. I always envision the decades of frustration that might result and the pain of reaching a point in their lives when they realize they have thrown it all away for such a tendency. Perhaps you are right – we should just let them continue on the self-destruction course. I admit to being of two minds on this one. Dr. Smith

admin says:

132 Responses to “The gratuitous insult – how do you respond?”
1.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:34 pm e
Matt Harris – Great question, and it’s good of you to help these people out. The first thing is to determine if the affront is intentional or just a product of really poor emotional intelligence – the type that can often force someone into a one-man band situation.
What I’ve found most effective (on the days I’m sufficiently adult to execute) is to hold up a mirror with a simple question: “I’m sensing some frustration from you here. Is that about me, this situation, or something else altogether?”
Then, stop talking immediately.
Feeling/expressing frustration isn’t bad – so you’re not accusing them of being deliberately insulting, you’re simply holding up a mirror to show that they’re exuding negativity, and giving them an opportunity to address or own the source of that negativity. If there’s feedback that they need to vent about you – they now have the opportunity to express it, and will frequently feel better, getting over their tiff. If they’re frustrated about whatever situation prompts this snippiness – they now have the opportunity to get that off their chest and you have the opportunity to help them address the problem. If its something else altogether, then they’ve got to acknowledge the behavior and revise their comment.
2.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:35 pm e
Dr. Duff Howell – My framework for handling this sort of situation comes both from a comedian friend who talks about handling hecklers, and also from teaching jujitsu classes for the past 16 years. Probably the most important thing you can learn from defense training, physical or verbal, is conditioning your response so that the first thing out of your mouth is ‘that was insulting.’ In many ways, you’ve already lost the encounter
Heckles, insults, or, more physically, someone grabbing you by the lapels, are invitations to escalate, wade in, and have a toe-to-toe fight (this can be done in low voices with fake smiles in a meeting, it’s a metaphor after all) It’s a fight where the attacker is choosing the battlefield, and also inviting you to take the abuse of a verbal or physical broadside as the cost of staying in the fight.
The comedian advice about hecklers – agree with them! It’s the last thing they expect, and the effect, especially if others are around, is that you’re probably doing so ironically or bemusedly. You project the confidence, or bemusedness, to handle a zinger like that with the attitude of ‘my, what a bizarre surprise that anyone would bring such unprofessional behavior to work with them.’
Aikido and other defense arts can train you that redirecting the barrage, rather than taking the full blast to prove how tough you are, is a much more effective survival technique.
A decent book on the verbal side of this is Verbal Judo by George Thompson. I recall picking a copy up at a used book store years ago. It’s a quick read, and does some good framing for figuring out the type of verbal attack that’s coming in, and how best to dissipate it.
The common element here – practice. Leaning to gracefully defend yourself takes time and some repetition. Winning a battle without the fight ever occurring – that’s straight from The Art of War as the ultimate sort of victory.
3.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:37 pm e
Sue Hutchinson – I agree with many of the respondants so far – Just thank the person and move on. Being drawn into an exchange with a coward (and that’s what so many who use the “gratuitous insult” tactic are) just lowers you to their level. The person who insulted you provided you with a vital piece of information about their ability to contribute to the conversation constructively. Just walk away with the knowledge that karma catches up with this type of person.
4.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:38 pm e
Sheilah Etheridge – It is simply that some people are incapable of saying something nice without also adding an insult. Those that feel they are superior (and usually are not) often get their kicks by implying someone isn’t capable of getting it. You can’t change these people. Leave them be, when they wake up one day with no real friends they may finally understand why.
5.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:38 pm e
Chris Florio – I am really impressed with the answers here and the fact that you are trying to improve yourself and add value to him in spite of being kicked in the head and help them. Unless you have unlimited time it will be very difficult, e-mails can easily be misconstrued and misinterpretted. 2nd the Archetypical A-Type personality when asked for a decision will use nuclear weapons first and think later. 3rd Responses like what you mentioned getting are generally signs of lashing out on you because of other factors, as the other person mentioned the Corvette, some one did not give him his way and he is beating up on you and may not even realize it.
I appreciate you trying to “turn that frown upside down”, my suggestion would be to NOT focus your effort on these people.
6.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:39 pm e
Donald Tepper – Good question. In brief: I agree with those here who say: “Move on. Forget it. It’s not worth the hassle.”
I post on several different boards. And there’s one, for real estate investors (link below) that is really excellent. Lots of activity, good posts from people around the country. But, every so often, seemingly out of the blue, there will be a post along the lines of your dialogue above. In fact, sometimes it’s almost word-for-word. And I’d guess that most of the gratuitous posters are similar to your profile: white, male, one-person operations. They tend to be a bit younger…maybe 25-40. But in that same range. And when one of the questions/posts takes on that tone, it spirals out of control…usually with the initial insulter ramping up the insult with every follow-up post, regardless of how mild the response actually is.
Other posts here have offered sayings and advice they’ve learned through life. The one I learned, from a good boss years ago (Richard Hinchcliff–family ran a trucking company in Chicago–thanks wherever you are!), when I was in a situation like that with a co-worker, he said, “Don’t get into a pissing contest with a skunk.” Fabulous advice. In certain situations, you’ll never convince the other person. You’ll never “save” the other person.” You’ll never rationally demonstrate to the other person that what they said was insulting or out of order. And the more you try, the more convinced he or she will be that you’re wrong.
It may be difficult, but if you’ve offered advice or asked a question, and the response is insulting, ignore it and move on. Life’s too short to deal with such negative energy.
7.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:40 pm e
Victoria – I am so sorry to hear that people on LinkedIn would be that … unprofessional.
Just ignore them … I really ENJOY your answers and I come on LinkedIn HOPING THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN US SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.
First, please DO NOT get discouraged — continue on your path.
8.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:40 pm e
Pratap Singh – People are different. Give them credit for what they are good at and downplay the short coming. I understand sometime people do things with no clue about what they are doing and on the other hand it is malice with intent. Some will take route of confrontation, I will suggest reconcilaition. May be you will find another more cordial moment to identify their short coming and resolve it.
9.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:41 pm e
Peter Blair – Wow – I like to think that there is a reasonable solution to every situation, but in that you outline in your questions I think that the only solution may be to walk away. It sounds to me that every reasonable response tried it returned in an aggressive and angry manner.
My usual response if I don’t understand if to ask that the person explains again in a different way since simply repeating a statement is not likely to help that much. However in the circumstance that you outline, it doesn’t sound as if that would work. The person you describe in your question seems to be an aggressive and bullying person – I think that each person can and should decide for themself if they have been insulted.
Sadly I think it will be frustrating and that there is no useful way forward.
10.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:42 pm e
Brad Thomas – What are you goals in responding to the insult?
If your goal is to make this person a better person and so in a small way make the world a better place, I think this is predicated on the assumption that you know what is best for the world. It’s an ethical judgement but more pragmatically – diversity is successful. That is not to justify or support the insulting behaviour but just to note that humans are diverse in behaviour because diversity has been good for humankind. What helps the invididual does not always help the group.
If your goal is to help the individual then again the question arises, do we really know what would help them? Are these personalities really self-sabotaging? For some people, in some walks of life (perhaps not most of corporate America) there is no doubt in my mind that an aggressive personality correlates with success. In my experience some high-powered city traders can be aggressive, egotistical, temperamental and insulting. In some fields it is probably generally true that “nice guys finish last”. In the army, recruits may be treated aggressively by superiors because doing so has been shown to bring rapid compliance and total obedience – in other words a better functioning team, where reliability means the difference between life and death. So maybe your way of apparently adding value to their lives would actually remove value from their lives. Maybe if you succeeded in making them nicer people they could no longer function as well in their chosen field. Maybe you would cripple them.
11.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:43 pm e
Edward Chenard – LOL, yeah, I know what you mean Earl! Although I find in my experience it is not just a single group, fairly spread out over gender, race, age and nationality. Generally I see it as an ego issue. When someone insults you that way, it’s easy to throw your own ego into the mix, very easy in fact I think that’s the knee jerk reaction most people have. So the first thing is to really keep your own ego in check with your response and focus on the end result and big picture of the situation. It is your choice on many levels to accept that insult or not. Certainly social norms in some situations will say you have been insulted, but it is still your choice on how to play it.
If you want to help the person, one thing I have learned over the years, you can’t help someone if they don’t want your help. Bring up the subject of how changing their response can help them reach their goals but if in the end they still throw it in your face, just move on to someone who will listen to what you have to say.
12.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:43 pm e
Cyril Arnaud – For me the best way to answer is … to remain silent.
Silence is the best weapon you can find to respond to this kind of behaviour.
Most of the time your “opponent” will back of, and in the worse case scenario your silence will not change the situation but will prevent you to say something you can regret.
13.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:44 pm e
Mykel de Willigen – just let them have their moment of joy, they seem to have so little
14.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:45 pm e
Olga Kellen – it’s not possible to change people ‘in their late thirties to early fifties’…
it’s about 30+ to 50 years too late for them
15.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:45 pm e
Tom Welke – Here is a rule of thumb that I use quite successfully. You must respect the critic to respect the criticism. Once I mastered that statement, it helped me quite a bit. Just a thought.
16.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:47 pm e
Steve Broadhead – I think you might of not given enough information in this question? What else was going on? This guy just ’snapped’ at you for no reason? Things really do not happen in a bubble like that. Maybe you asked the question the wrong way? OR maybe you are being to sensitive?
I wonder if several people who responded to this realize they were making a racist comment? If you take out white, male and add in black, women – mexican, male or any other group people would become upset. If a evil white, male made the comments going the other direction people would get upset and would take to the streets!
I think maybe the best reply to this was the one telling the guy to f^%$ off! That might be to hard for some of you sensitive, weak knee………….
17.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:48 pm e
Janette Coulthard – Hi, I have found a way of dealing with the particular situation you describe as I have received the exact same response once as a Student and once in business. My response was ‘ Just as a good workman never blames his tools a good Communicator should never blame the listener for his or her lack of understanding perhaps you would give me a little time to better my understanding’. I know its not probably polite, PC or a way of diffusing the situation but boy did it make me feel better.
I suspect that these people respond like this because they don’t understand what they were communicating, either they have ‘blagged’ the concept, information or jargon and can only recite it parrot fashion or they don’t know how to explain it any better than they already have. Either way by engaging with you further they risk their lack of knowledge or lack of communications skills being uncovered. For these people the best defense is a good offense. ‘Just chalk it down to experience’ is probably the best way to deal with them.
18.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:48 pm e
Francine Wolfe – I received the same type of response from a black woman in her fifties who was a direct employee at my company. I was trying to give her feedback on some of her behaviors/emails that I found insulting. Eventually, I gave up & walked out.
I’ve also seen similar behavior/responses from a white woman in her thirties whom we just hired in England. Fortunately, most of these responses are via email, so I ignore them.
If you get good responses to this question, I’d be very interested as well.
My usual response (after I try to deflect the first one or two) is to ignore the insults. I say, let them feel superior; what difference does it make? If I’m trying to get an answer to a question, I’ll then play dumb (which the person may be implying I am anyway) so that the person has to explain to me clearly. I’ve got time to let the truth come out later.
19.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:49 pm e
Michael Busch – Your goal is very noble. However I believe it is exersize in fustration to try and change other’s behavior. My first boss used to say of people like you discribe, that they are “ten miles of bad road, take a detour around them”
20.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:50 pm e
Mitch Krayton – One way people who act to hurt others is to solicit your response. Preferably an emotional one. That being the case, giving them no response disempowers them. They did not get the outcome they wanted.
Bullies need victims. Don’t allow yourself to be a victim.
That does require a degree of self-control, but in the end you win twice. Personal strength and self-control.
Take solace in knowing that they will one day attempt to bully the wrong person and there will be justice.
FWIW I don’t think this behavior is restricted to any age, race, ethic background or sexual preference. There are insecure people of every stripe all over the world.
21.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:51 pm e
Joe Frankie III – I will usually ask someone in this situation, ” What is the price of cotton in Australia?”
One of two things will happen, they will suddenly realize they need to take it down a notch and continue the conversation. Or, they will be perplexed and re-start a dialogue which usually gets better and more jointly focused.
22.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:51 pm e
Russell King – These people who you describe as being “consultants”.. are they very successful? The hurling of insults delivered in this way would suggest to me that they believe that they are superior in some way and are trying to convince themselves of this by talking down to you. Maybe they simply feel unconfident with themselves. When confronted by you suggesting that they have insulted you in some way their knee-jerk response is self-defence. This is a totally natural response. It is human nature to fear anihilation and to do everything you can to avoid it. When we argue with our fellow human beings (about pretty much anything) it is usually a fight to the death for survival (our primary instinct). Highlighting that an insult has been made causes embarrassment and also if there is a low level of familiarity between the parties can create the same environment as an argument. Suddenly your consultant is fighting for his life.
How to deal? If you have the time, ask him to give you some airtime and then explain to him what he just did and why he may have done it. If you show him some Love then he won’t feel threatened and you may just change his life..
23.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:52 pm e
Christopher Edmund F Davis – in my experience, the spectrum of lack of understanding goes through out the age, gender, race, religious, cultural differences. the causation seems to be also part of a normal communication inter face or lack thereof.
24.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:53 pm e
Eileen Bonfiglio – The thought and effort you have out in to understanding and trying to help is commendable Earl! The example you have provided seems to be a defensive behavior, possibly because they do not know the answer themselves or are not truly interested in sharing the information with you – a game. Breaking down that barrier may be the clue?
25.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:54 pm e
Jason Harrison – sometimes when we try to ‘help’, we can come across to the other person as being something of a ‘rescuer’. Some people like the feeling of being rescued (victims), others react strongly against the person (persecuters). This set of reactions is often set up as a cycling dynamic and can only be got out of with immense effort.
26.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:55 pm e
Tim Deis – I am often perplexed by the responses people give to questions like this. Most business problems are, at their root, people problems. But most managers try to avoid really dealing with the people problems directly, instead they hope that there is some better management tool, communication method or kid gloves that will make a difference.
27.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:02 pm e
Jennifer McFarland – That’s insecurity. People have a choice in how to respond. This person made a decision, probably unconsciously, to feel his intelligence insulted by a request for more information or clarification of what he was saying.
A confident person could choose to think of it differently. That person could think “Ok, I wrote it in a way that seems clear to me. Maybe the other person didn’t catch on as quickly, and I can go out of my way to make things clearer for them.”
Maybe nobody cut this person any slack in their lifetime, so they don’t do the same for others. Maybe someone just expected this person to get it and if they didn’t, then criticized them and told them they’re stupid. Somehow, that person never grew beyond it and just passed it along without stopping to realize the fallacy in that kind of thinking.
How to respond to this person? I’d stay away from fighting, realizing that it’s fundamentally in insecurity issue in the other person and not your issue unless you make it so. State in an off-hand way that “I’m sorry, you probably stated it clearly and I just didn’t catch on. Could you help me out to understand?” Hopefully, they’ll realize what they did and be humbled. If not, you tried. It’s really the best you can do.
28.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:03 pm e
Jenna Papakalos – It is upsetting when you see people you know you can help, but they just won’t listen to you. Unfortunately, you can’t always save people from themselves. Kudos for caring enough to try, even to perfect strangers.
There’s a reason for everything and to behavior like that, this is rule no exception. Maybe the person is having a bad day or maybe life is a string of bad days. If you can assist, fantastic. Be willing to let go though.
In my own experience, I just try to look at people with the thought in my mind that someone loves them. I may never know why or ever get that far down the thought process, but it helps me to look past the behavior and at the person.
29.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:03 pm e
Rachel Lerman – Greetings Dr. Smith and fellow posters: As an expert in dealing with males lacking social skills – I’m a mother of twin two-year old sons – I recommend two simple response formats to ensure acceptable behaviors in the short term that will provide a platform for value-add in lives over the long term.
Format A: ignore the outburst, proceed with business as usual. For example, if – let’s call him Thing 1 – refuses to hold hands while crossing a street and meltsdown in a fit on the sidewalk, simply pick the child up by whichever limb or clothing item is easiest to secure with one of your arms and proceed across the street ignoring the glares of passersby. For a WMC (see Tom’s post), ignore their email tantrum and pick up where you left off in whatever project.
Format B: punitive action respected by all stakeholders, followed by a “teaching moment”. Let’s say a consultant – call him Thing 2 – lashes out by telephone or, as in our house, with an actual telephone.
Inform Thing 2 of the consequences for his actions and implement a “Time Out”. Be sure that other parties, such as a head of marketing (my Mother-In-Law) are aware of and do not violate the Time Out. For example: “Your response is out of line with expectations. You will receive no further communication until the next project deadline on xyz date.” CC to the head of marketing. When the deadline arrives, remind Thing 2 that the next outburst will warrant the same consequence until hell freezes over or he chooses to stop.
Now you don’t have to tell a consultant that you still love him even though he broke the ‘no hitting’ rule. But the lessons will add up eventually. Hopefully.
30.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:04 pm e
Keith Moody – It is interesting you ask this question and even more so when I read the part about the profile.
I shall clarify: Firstly I worked for a “small operation” – the owner, and five staff inc. me. Secondly a little while later I too was a ‘one-man band’. So (all apart from the age at the time of both) your profile is quite accurate to both cases.
However, from my limited perspective and experience, it might be of more value to understand the nature of the profile and what that tells you. It really seems little more than the results of inadequacy combined with the pressure of the responsibility, mixed with the ego of being the Lone Ranger and coupled with the frustration of not being in charge of Microsoft or being the next Alan Greenspan – YET…expressing itself. Remember this is the individual that thinks that consultancy is all about being right at all costs and as consultants “we are not to be questioned” (almost like the teacher syndrome). Sadly it does become a vicious circle simply because of the pressure cooker of having to be “nice” and “polite” ALL THE TIME. Eventually instead of the facade merely denting or cracking on occasions, like tempered glass – it tends to explode.
That it should also be mostly a male, causasian ailment is hardly surprising – women are nicer, smarter, more in tune with the soft, fuzzy side, able to make mistakes and get away with them, and Asian business men and women appear more savvy, taking over old empires and their former colonial masters, and “EQ” is more important than “IQ”. The mid-aged, male, caucasian is under threat like at no other time…simply because we are the group that is still thinking that power/success comes through our physical strength, sticking to the rules, family background or privileged Western education and not our smile or our willingness to accept our mistakes or “be flexible”. Add to that this particular grouping whilst it has not had to really struggle in any particular way growing up, it has not, at the same time really ‘made it’ as big as it thought it would – or “should” given such a supposed start in life.
Oddly enough I wonder if you have compared the profile for road rage – if only to see if the profile (apart from the “Consultant” part…hmmm maybe even that too) matches to any greater or lesser extent?
The best way to respond to add value, if that is what you really want – is not to be clever but to be nice; not academic, but human; understanding but not patronising; a friend. You need to develop (that essential thing this group really misses but pretends it doesn’t need); real relationship. Go past the insult for a moment and get to the person beneath the anger and the inner personal struggles.
Is it worth it…? That depends upon how much you love your fellow man; and how much you believe you can (or want to) help this part of humanity find itself again through restoring some of the more important human values we, as a demographic, seemed to have lost.
I would like to suggest an alternative teaching of Jesus: Bear in mind that whilst one should not cast pearls before swine, Jesus was referring to those that would not listen – not those that could not hear. Whilst He did not suffer fools such as the Sadducees and the Pharisees, whom He roundly rebuked, He still healed the blind and the lame. The lesson is that one should still be apt to at least be the Good Samaritan, until the point of “If God can’t help them – then no-one can”.
31.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:06 pm e
Mark Wallinger – This is what I call the Alec Baldwin syndrome (see GlenGary GlennRoss) and is designed to elevate the speaker and demean you.
As others have written, it is probably better to move on, but many of these insults are hurled in mixed company and require a retort, such as:
“You must be very angry, or very arrogant to respond that way. Why do you view questions about your presentation with such hostility?”
32.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:07 pm e
Charlene Hutt – When our personal power is diminished or removed from us, we’ll grab it when and where ever we can….”hug ‘em” and let it go…or they’ll just try and steal more energy from you.
33.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:08 pm e
Eric Novikoff – I run into this problem with potential customers. They think they know my business better than I do and try to reduce my prices or change my processes or methods in a seemingly haphazard way. What this really is, is a control strategy, running at a sub-conscious level. If they saw how self-sabotaging it truly was to their overall circumstances, they’d be horrified. But instead, they succumb to their need to be in control and make others miserable in the process. I do coaching and counseling and run across this behavior a lot. My approach is to work with the person so that they see where the desire for the control originates, in part by taking them into the fear they feel when things aren’t under their control. I’ve also done this, in a gentle and supportive way, for employees I was responsible for. However, for customers, coaching opportunities are limited. In that case, I do my best to make it clear where my boundaries are, as well as to speak my truth when I see this behavior having a negative impact on our relationship.
Ultimately, my personal philosophy is that the person is mirroring my own need for control. Whether coaching them is possible or not, the most productive avenue for me has been to ask, “where am I like that person?” If I can truly see the truth in that and forgive myself, saying to that part of myself “I’m sorry and I love you,” then often the whole irritating situation evaporates.
On a visible level, what happens is that these people are actually getting “juice” from the reactions of those around them to their control strategy. There’s a payoff. If I can make peace with the part of myself that is reacting to them then they don’t get the payoff from me, and like a hungry wolf, they’ll go hunt in greener pastures. I, in turn, am in a state of gratefulness to them for having shown me my own subconscious participation in their pattern so that I could let it go.
34.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:08 pm e
Theresa Brennan – I too have encountered this behaviour, but my clearest memory of it was from a white, late thirties to early fifties female in a similar operation.
What I have found to work best is the humble approach. When they say “If you don’t understand what I mean, then that is probably your problem”, I would respond with “you’re right, the problem is a lack of understanding on my part–could you please explain it to me again?”
Generally this will cool them down because if they keep on with the rude responses when you have been nothing but polite, it will make them seem like a bully.
If you care to continue the relationship after this point, I would suggest that you offer to go out for lunch or for a drink to get to know the person better, in order to avoid this sort of conflict in the future.
Take the high road, no matter where it leads you, in the end you’re in a superior position from where you started
35.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:09 pm e
Miles Fidelman – I’m just a little surprised that nobody has suggested responding in kind.
A “well f*&k you too” – delivered with a neutral tone, while walking away – can at least get the attention of someone who’s otherwise too dense to realize they’ve just been insulting. And for someone who’s being intentionally insulting, at least they get the message that you don’t take that sort of thing.
36.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:10 pm e
Alexander Hay – This is just me, but I suppose I would look first to my own behavior to see if there was something I was doing without realizing it that was putting someone off. Next I would try to decide whether or not the abusive behavior was intentional or just an unintended mistake; we all screw up and say the wrong thing. I suppose the next question is whether or not to confront someone, and that is where you have to do a cost to benefit analysis. If the person I am dealing with is a client or a potential client, and I need/want their business, I have to be very careful here. On the one hand there is no need to run off business because I am too thin skinned, but on the other hand I don’t want to be perceived as soft. If this is just a probing tactic it could hurt me later on to let obvious insults and challenges slide unanswered. I would rather a client come back after he realizes he was in the wrong than believe he can use me as his whipping boy (this of course depends upon how much he is paying me to be a whipping boy — ugh reality). If it is not someone I particularly need to deal with in the future, I suppose it might just end up being a spur of the moment decision. Confront the asshole and let him know what I think of him, and storm off in a huff, or try to turn the other cheek while letting the other person know, if possible, that I am doing so out of a sense of good will.
37.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:11 pm e
Ian Millar – Dr Earl, your question has me laughing so hard, they can hear it outside my closed office door. You should write this stuff in a book. (Perhaps that’s what you’re already doing).
Sounds like you’re getting abused by Entrepreneurial White Male BoomereXer Consultants. [Perhaps it IS your problem. You have to admit, it is funny.]
I have worked with and interviewed A LOT of these types, over the years. I meet one almost every week. They have learned how to turn their own inner dilemmas into a tool to make others feel small; as a means of controlling those who intimidate them in some way. The fact is that usually they are intensely good at a few different things; and use that as a way to make others feel small for not being as successful in those arenas.
Ultimately, they are insecure. Their own inner voice is constantly telling them that they aren’t good enough. It’s part of why they are so driven to accomplish so much – they’re trying to build a wall of credibility to overcome the harsh criticism of a father or coach that pushed them hard at some point in their early puberty phase.
Perhaps white males have more of it due to some cultural adaptations they have struggled with in the past; perhaps it’s genetic. Are you sure they’re all white male BoomereXers? Names on a LinkedIn page can be deceiving. [You probably have some certainty.]
My means of responding to arrogance is not to respond. I do not suffer from their malady, so I do not allow them to sense that I may be insulted, nor that I find their attitude obnoxious. That tends to unnerve them. I may allow myself to actually show the opposite emotional reaction than what they want. If they want me to feel small, I will react with a little cheeky arrogance that is pointed at some glaring personal weakness on their part. But, usually, in find that these types thrive on knowing that they “got to me”. So, I generally don’t allow it.
Cool as a cucumber to the face (or phone, PC, etc). After they leave, I may spit and snort, but not usually. I learned this from a woman who built a little empire on Man-turf in the Construction and Land Development business. She never let them think she was intimidated by them; despite having a crippling spinal injury and nearly complete numbness in both legs. She never let any arrogant B@5#@6d think she was even slightly impressed by his bluster or his brains. She never lost a deal that she wanted to win, never let anyone gain by fighting her in business and she never lost to them in court, when they tried to flank her with the law. She simply used their pride against them; and I pity all those who went against her at any point. They all lost by trying to beat her.
To quote Benjamin Martin of the movie -the Patriot: “Pride is a weakness”. When his French comrade said he would have “preferred stupidity”, Benjamin said “Pride will do”. [Fictional story, but true axiom].
The old Yiddish proverb is a good one for me: “the best revenge is living well”. So, first you have to survive encounters with the arrogant. Second you have to live well. You can’t live well if you allow the arrogant to impact you. These guys have done what they wanted: made you “feel” insulted. In a sense, they are right – you have allowed yourself to be at their mercy.
38.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:12 pm e
Gerald Lo – Quite commendable sentiments and motivations on your part, as always.
Sadly, well-intentioned unappreciated and unsolicited assistance is often indistinguishable morally from abuse or insanity, in my opinion.
There is a Chinese sensibility born of long exposure to cultures and philosophies, some domestic and others not.
The Christian turns the well-known cheek, offering patience and fortitude in in the face of adversity.
The Confucian, while humanist, rejects rewarding injustice with mercy, as it is tiresome and cheapens kindness. A responsible citizen embraces the right and actively rejects the wrong; a slap for a slap.
The Buddhist aspires to ideally anticipate the slap and turns the cheek before a blow might be landed, preventing either party from permitting a sin to occur.
To let arrogance, deliberate or inadvertent, affect your perception and behavior is to concede to that behavior, in my opinion.
Like Ross Macdonald’s Lew Archer, I have a secret passion for mercy, but justice is what keeps happening to people.
Should someone less mature or experienced as you witness this behavior, its effects might not be so well received. I think you made your point, and it was received in a lousy way (if at all). I would move on, and despise the party only if you gave him any thought at all, to paraphrase Bogie.
39.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:13 pm e
Sherri Dohemann – What I learned about you today is that you value highly diplomacy. I respect-as I’m sure many of us do the frame of reference in which your questions are posed. Because I have “grown up” in big business, even though I will see the issue you pose in many frames, I understand the expected way of responding, the boundary. Depending on where people live and what industry they are in, diplomacy and their goals may not be in the same frame as yours. For example, if you are a consultant charged with a Horizon 2 project, then you WILL challenge the status quo if there is a near-tearm product pipeline issue-if you’re in high tech. That’s a different perspective, different context-how they respond to your question of people “getting it” and “staying on norms” then relates to your value of diplomacy, which I share too.-so it is a twofold distinction in perception and priorities, then expressing appropriately.
I take pleasure in learning from your questions and the diverse respondents-especially while I wait for my IT department to reclaim my laptop-and resume the day. I learn so much about better communicating to these audience members based on what they represent roughly generalizing based on what they do. In the latter case you are describing, this person hasn’t learned to take feedback. Questions for clarification is a form of feedback which may mean someone wasn’t clear. Alternatively, someone insulting or sabotaging you can be either a form of ill communicated or ill interpreted feedback or a bad compliment . the behavior you describe to be a result of a lack of exposure as well as a lack of true confidence. I have seen it in some inexperienced professionals and those that haven’t paved their own real mark in their profession, but maybe rode the coattails of politics and such. I agree when people learn about navigating the complexity of institutions of society it imparts a civility and a maturity that requires a sort of community mindset that is dependent on all forms of feedback both public and personal.
40.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:13 pm e
Randall Isaac – What people think of me is their business – not mine. They are entitled to their own opinion, but it has nothing to do with who I am, or how I perceive myself. So bottome line – I do nothing with the insult.
41.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:15 pm e
Guy Tweedale – I recently experinced something with a recruitment consultant who had sent an email with my company’s ane in the subject line and another company’s name in the offer text! Obviously a cut and paste error and when I politely mentioned the fact in my reply I received an extremely terse response. My immediate reaction was to reply in kind but in this case decided to respond and remark how polite his response was – dripping with sarcasm! My expectation was that this would either break the ice and reveal the stressor or result in no further communication. It did break the ice and I have used it subsequently as a sort of shock tactic when faced with an agressive employee – it worked again. Not sure it would work in all cases though.
42.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:16 pm e
Michael A. Keane – My own take on this is simple, if I understand the situation correctly.
I explain that the behavior that I am seeing is unacceptable in my organization and with my clients. Either the behavior changes or the individual and I part ways. Most of us who run small organizations do so because we believe that we have seen enough arrogance and condescension toward clients and employees in big organizations.
A simple “that behavior won’t skate here” from me has always been sufficient.
A corollary to that is something I learned from a colleague and a client in a major insurance company years ago.
Great consultants don’t need to show arrogance or how smart they are, to a client.
Great consultants show how smart the client and his/her team can be.
43.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:17 pm e
Richard Bennett – As far as understanding the phenomena I would recommend reading Stiffed by Susan Faludi. This book immediately came to mind when you said, “white, males in their late thirties to early fifties [...] one man or small operations.”
44.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:18 pm e
Jacob Schut – Honestly and no offence intended (as it seems you may be a little touchy), I think it is a huge waste of time, what do you think you are going to accomplish? Would you like to become friends with these persons? Do you think you will create some sort of epiphany of self awareness within these persons? Or did you just want an audience to voice your frustrations to? Honestly I can think of innumerous ways for us to much more constructively use our time, things that will actually be a contribution to society as a whole. And being a doctor I would have expected with an extensive education and probably a plethora of education you would have something much more meaningful to discuss.
If nothing else I got a good laugh out of this!
(And yes I know I wasted my time with this response)
45.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:19 pm e
Ray Miller – In my experience it ends up being from people trying to make themselves more important than they really are.
I know I may insult some people, but it’s alot like guys who drive Corvettes.
They are overcompensating for other inadequacies, and as several people have said, not worth the effort.
46.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:19 pm e
Tom Grant – It all depends on the situation. In some cases, the question of whether an insult happened, or if the speaker intended to be insulting, is a tough call. In some situations, the statement, “If you don’t understand what I’ve been saying, that’s your problem,” might mean, “I’ve spent a lot of time explaining something to you, and I don’t think you’re listening.” In these cases, a lighter touch is best. You might ignore the potential insult, or take the person aside later and ask, “What did you mean by that statement?”
In other cases, when the insult is obvious, the worst thing to do is respond in the way the insulting party wants, which is to lose control. The next worst response might be to overlook the insult. Even when every other person in the room sees that person as a consummate ass, you can’t appear intimidated by the insult. How many more word-bombs are you willing to let that person toss, before you finally set the conversation back on track? The response might be brief and stern (for example, “I don’t think that comment contributes to this discussion”), but it’s often important to respond in some fashion. Otherwise, that person can disrupt the meeting whenever it suits his or her fancy.
47.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:20 pm e
Joseph Rapoport – Ultimately, it seems to me that the response comes from a sense of defensiveness or perhaps insecurity. While I am not writing this to excuse their replies or insults, I feel that there are some disadvantages to being a one man shop especially when competing with large consulting shops.
Perhaps this defensiveness comes from the difficulty in gaining new clients, and an insecurity with their future. Perhaps the need to know everything as a one-man shop makes that person constantly defend his knowledge or lack thereof. Or maybe it is just that you have reached a few people who not very good at taking constructive criticism much less plain criticism.
48.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:21 pm e
Amanda Pepper – This type of person has an immediately defensive response to any perceived criticism. Yes, even suggesting that you don’t understand something they’ve said is taken as a criticism by them! It’s possible they think YOU’RE criticising their communication skills, and so they respond in a defensive/offensive way by turning the attack around. It’s juvenile and exposes their insecurities. Especially now, in the changing workforce–younger kids with different work ethics, ever-changing technology, etc.–these people feel threatened and pressured and clearly do not know (or feel as if they need to learn) how to respond. They seem to think that things were fine for so long, why must it all change now?
All that aside, your best bet is to cushion what you say. “Maybe I misunderstood, can you tell me again. . . ?” This can be frustrating, as it sometimes amounts to “playing dumb” but it can help fend off some attacks. Of course, if they do insult you, you don’t have to take it! Mention (as you did) that you find their response inappropriate and insulting, then turn away and say you’ll talk to them some other time (like when they’re more relaxed, when they have some free time). It may sound childish, but THEY’RE acting childish! And if all else fails, maybe send (anonymously) some literature on seminars and workshops that might be good for them! I doubt, after all, that this kind of person would take it kindly if you were to suggest such a thing to his face.
49.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:22 pm e
Erik Giles – If you are in a group situation, keep pushing for clarification. If they keep insulting you, it looks bad on them, not you.
As a side note, I was reading the book about the fall of Enron. Jeff Skilling, who was obviously a smart guy since he had been a McKinsey consultant for 9 years, was known for using these tactics to brush aside anyone who questioned his strategies.
50.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:23 pm e
Greg Nichols – I may not be qualified enough to offer an answer such a question in some people’s opinions, but I’ve never been one to sit on the sidelines.
I feel like there are two most useful approaches to someone like this.
This could be a challenge to see which one of you is the top dog. If you feel that your problem person may be a rogue alpha-male, it may serve most useful to you and them to knock them back into their place. I’ve met a lot of guys out there who will not respect a supervisor until that supervisor has proven to be the tougher of the two.
The other approach that I would suggest has already been mentioned, but I agree with and will emphasize it.
The friendly approach:
Person: “You’re stupid.”
Supervisor: “Hey, that’s not cool, man. Why would you say that? I’ve done nothing to offend you.”
51.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:23 pm e
Rijk Willemse – A response that adds value to the live of someone that insults you may only be useful when you know that particular person. The stronger your relation is with that person, the more pressing it is you react (positively). Preferably pick up the phone, ask questions and speak out. When no personal relation exists, radio silence is the best option in my view.
52.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:24 pm e
Jeanie Marshall – I, too, think your desire to help is admirable.
I think the most important starting place is your own intention for offering feedback. Make it a worthy intention, as I’m sure you would. As you know, not all “help” is helpful. And if you’re angry or insulted, your help will not be as valuable.
After you’ve clarified your intention, before offering the actual feedback, I suggest that you ask the person if he or she would like feedback. Ask nicely, without conditions. It can be as simple as “I have a perspective about the way you responded to me, are you interested in my perspective?”
Remember, you’ve asked for others’ perspectives (in and through your series of questions), but the respondents have not asked for your perspective on their responses. Getting permission is an empowering step for you both.
If the person is not interested in your feedback, move on. You’ve offered a gift and it’s been declined. You’re done. Exchange complete.
If the person is open to your feedback (by whatever name you have offered: perspective, opinion, feedback, response, reaction, etc.), express it as constructively as you can. State it as a perspective or opinion, not fact. The only fact is that it is your perspective. Watch the reaction. If you have positive engagement, continue the conversation as long as it’s constructive. Have a conversation, not a contest.
Also, keep in mind that the topic of the series of your questions is “self-sabotaging behaviors” — surely you must expect to see some demonstrated! Self-sabotage is the subject that interests you, so you will see it. And, further, you quote research that is an indication that you expect such behavior from white males in a certain age range.
I think it’s worthy and magnificent to want to add value to others’ lives. But it’s also helpful to delineate what is your business and what is not. People do have a right to be rude, insensitive, and anything else they want to be. It can be very powerful for you to allow them to be how they are, without judgment.
Co-creating experiences with others is a magnificent adventure!
53.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:34 pm e
Trisha Ford – This is an interesting situation, isn’t it? I too have found myself on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour (as I’m sure we all have at one time or another). The offender in my case was, contrary to your research, a white female in her mid-50s, who works with many other people in her office, just as an aside. I will say that I know many males in the situation you’re describing who are far more professional and curteous to ever engage in that kind of shenanigan.
I’ll take a bit of a different tact in that I personally prefer not to throw ‘good’ energy after ‘bad’… In particular, I find that whole game of the subtle-insult followed by denial when pointed out, to be a waste of energy when engaged. So when I encounter people who behave in this manner, I typically either say nothing, or just say, “Have a nice day” and let it go. To me, this behaviour speaks of an insecure person who feels a need to inflate their self at the cost of others. So in that respect, I wouldn’t say “Thank You” to that person because they may not take in the nature in which I’m intending it. Now, if this were coming from someone who I was paying to perform work for me I would not tolerate that at all. It would be a “closed door discussion” and if they did not respond properly therein, I would replace them.
When possible though, I have found that sometimes silence truly does speak louder than words.
54.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:35 pm e
Donna Steinhorn – People who have a superior attitude (and that’s certainly what you are dealing with) in the way that you are describing have never learned about learning styles (nor have they learned social skills). Perhaps if you pointed out that while their response may be brilliant, if they don’t communicate it in a way that is comprehensible to you and others, then the world will be missing out. You’ll have added value whether they appreciate that or not.
55.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:38 pm e
Rod Funk – I recently experienced a very similar situation from someone in the exact demographic that you describe. When I responded that the tone of his message was rude and inappropriate, he responded that he knew it and that I deserved it. Some people just are not worth our time. It seems to me that those most willing to hurl insults are themselves very reluctant to accept criticism.
56.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:39 pm e
Mike Podanoffsky – The behavior you mention is hardly limited to white middle aged males. Your data may be skewed by your test population. You don’t mention in what setting you ask questions or receive the response and why it is important to change these behaviors. The example you provided sounds mildly like email.
One view of the behavior is that it is not at all self-sabotaging. It may be a get out of my face (or my business) response. The appropriate response depends on whether you have a responsibility that requires you to ask the original question.
I propose that in all cases you state the goal of your intent and any follow up should be aimed at soliciting a straightforward answer for the original goal. By establishing an exchange as fact based, goal based, and strictly professional, you create the framework for a reliable exchange.
57.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:40 pm e
Jodi Blackley – I agree with many of the posters. When sarcasm is unwarranted or insulting and expression of your needs is met with more sarcasm, then it’s time to walk away. This person is incapable, or unwilling to meet you 1/2 way to engage in a mature, responsible dialogue. This is their problem, not yours.
At some point you want to realize that banging your head against a wall only causes you pain, bruising and a bloody forehead. Stop the engagement and the pain goes away with it.
58.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:41 pm e
Crysta Wille – There is a diagnosis in the DSM IV for a “narcissist.” According to the manual, a Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) is isolating, disenfranchising, painful, and formidable for those diagnosed with it and often those who are in a relationship with them. While I admire your desire to engage the individual proactively and constructively, if they truly do suffer from this personality disorder then your words and actions are irrelevant to them. He (or she) will do everything in their power to retain their perception of self and they will not change based on a conversation with you. The only effective way I have found to work with them is to appeal to as a group with goals and use that peer pressure collectively to draw out their engagement and execution of work. This puts up a united front and never ever lets the individual’s goals dictate the goal.
59.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:42 pm e
Tom Rafferty – I’m worried … I’m a white, male, in my mid-forties and consultant in a one man operation.
However, I try not to insult gratuitously; in fact I try not to insult at all. If I choose to, I go straight in the “front door”!
However, when I am on the receiving end, I tend to agree with the “insulter” and politely (ever-so) thank them for the profound insight.
Interestingly, I find that they also tend to be white, male, etc. They also tend to be very defensive and probably lacking confidence in their own ability. This largely explains why the white, male, consultant, etc. is there in the first instance!
As a WMC, I have observed that the most successful projects are those where the client realises that they don’t know everything – I certainly don’t – but I describe such people as “enlightened clients”. My goal is to be an “enlightened” WMC!
Great question.
60.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:43 pm e
Leonard Muise – Tough situation, a challenge for me too. I’m still learning to handle this well, so please don’t take the following advice as guaranteed.
Your first error, quite understandable, is reinforcing the rude colleague’s venture into personal, rather than professional, territory. You should keep the focus on the business issue, not on their attitude or your reaction to it.
I’d suggest a polite appeal to the greater good which cites a simple truth *without condescension*. For example: “I know we are both committed to solving the problem. Let’s find common ground.” Then paraphrase your colleague’s statement as best you can: “Here’s what I think I heard…”
As you say this, be as sincere and pleasant as possible, to minimize the chance that they will continue their passive-aggressive nonsense by accusing you of sarcasm or condescension.
If the insults continue over time, you have a couple choices. Ideally, you might find a relaxed, positive, *private* moment, perhaps an after-hours social activity, to raise your concern directly. “You know, I gotta say, sometimes I find it difficult to solve problems with you. I sense that you don’t have much regard for my abilities or my role… What do you think?”
If direct and personal don’t work, then you have the other usual options. Learn to live with it, get him or yourself reassigned, or go to the colleague’s manager and/or HR.
61.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:44 pm e
Ramon Ruiz – I have read almost all your questions regarding what to do with difficult people.
Or with people in difficult moods or attitudes.
In this case, as in some other I suggest you three things:
-smile and don’t say anything and move forward
-teach them how to treat you, how they must talk to you
-enter an argument, defy them, attack them and feed their desire of being withdrawn of their daily work
You can choose.
But my guess is that you know what to do.
62.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:45 pm e
Kevin Mercuri – The best input I can offer is to suggest a book that was recently required reading for 5W PR senior staff:
The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t by Robert I. Sutton.
Sutton suggests ways in which to deal with these folks (and why they should simply be fired in most cases).
63.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:52 pm e
Pete Berghold – My life’s experiences tell me that the kind of person that hands out gratuitous insults like that is not going to be educated. By there very behavior they show themselves for what they are.
I have a client who is like that. His habit is to assume that everyone at IBM is stupid and he says so in as many words. My tack with him is to remain perfectly professional and not rise to his provocations.
The result over time has been to educate him by my own example. He tends to treat me more professionally than he does other folks from IBM. In fact he tends to treat my team mates more professionally than he does folks from other teams.
Of course it helps that all that pofessionalism has resulted in value add to his business on a repeated basis. It also helps that when he asks for something I don’t try and snowball him like others do.
I’m an “old salt” from what the kids these days refer to as “The Old Navy” (I wonder what they’d think of the guys I called “Old Navy”) so if I really wanted to get into a “cut fight” with this guy I’m more than capable of swapping insult for insult. I’m also not shy about giving my opinion of what I think of someone to their face. However, now that I’m older and a little wiser I realize that is counter productive.
Attempting to educate someone by preaching to them is bad ju-ju in my experience. Educating them by example works better in the long run.
64.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:52 pm e
David Willson – I have had trouble communicating with The Donald myself. He doesn’t seem to be able to carry on a normal conversation. I suggest next time you muss up his comb-over, tell him “YOUR FIRED” and walk away.
65.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:53 pm e
Joe McMahon – I think the most important thing here is to indeed remember what’s going on here. You’re asking questions about a topic that some may actually feel very uncomfortable about seeing in themselves. May people will sometimes react strongly when you come close to something that they frankly don’t want to think about or change in themselves.
If the point of the conversation is to find out what you want to find out, then the right answer for you is to say, “possibly you’re right, but could you indulge me here? I appreciate your talking to me on the subject, and I have the feeling that you have something to contribute. Would you mind expanding a bit on (whatever wasn’t clear)?”
At this point if the person you’re asking won’t answer or says something you find offputting, just say, “thanks for your time” and drop it. Be sure to avoid being passive-agressive about it (”too bad you aren’t interested”, etc. – those are frankly just as self-destructive, but to you!).
I recently heard a sermon in which the point was made that turning the other cheek did not mean “lie there and take it”; it was meant as a counterpoint to “an eye for an eye”. If someone strikes you, forget them. They’re not worth your time.
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August 28th, 2007 at 3:54 pm e
James Glover – Based upon the descriptions that you have provided above, I think that you may have posed a question, or a series of questions that began to probe into an “uncomfortable” subject area. It is uncomfortable because, the person to whom you are speaking only has superficial knowledge at this depth and has too much pride or ego to admit it. As a result, the person resorts to defensive measures such as sarcasm or “defensive” humor.
Another possibility is that the person simply wants to hide from this level of discussion and does not want to discuss it openly.
Finally, another possibility is that you have asked enough questions, that you have exceeded the person’s level of patience. In other words, they have no strong interest to respond to you and have attempted “to be polite”, but now they are simply trying to end the conversation.
In any of these cases, the person is not ready to hear your “response that adds value to their lives.” Therefore, I would suggest a clear demonstration of intent that you are listening to them. Perhaps simply restating what you have learned so far. Perhaps restating it 2 or 3 times, in different ways. Get them to a point where they tell you “yes, that is how I feel.” Even at that point they may no be receptive to your thoughts because they may be in a defensive mode. It may take a while before the shield comes down far enough to actually discuss your feedback.
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August 28th, 2007 at 3:56 pm e
Rob Hesketh – I think your question is an interesting one. I suspect you’ve answered it yourself – there is probably no way (worth the effort) that you could, or would want to, add value to the life of an arrogant middle-aged consultant!!
The obvious analysis to this personality type is that they have reached a stage where they do not (or can not) work with a team of colleagues. Have they perhaps ended up independent because it is impossible to work with them in a team?
The old adage “Advice is seldom welcome, and those who need it the most like it the least” springs to mind.
Good luck with your consultants!
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August 28th, 2007 at 3:57 pm e
Chris Clark – If you pay for Consulting Services why is the person not explaining the issue. If I were paying for services I would not accept that response. I would refuse to pay. I would quickly look for a replacement Consulting Service.
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August 28th, 2007 at 3:58 pm e
David Fern – The group of people that you identify as being most prone to this behavior is interesting in that I have observed the identical sort of thing. White males that work as consultants in one man or small operations do so because that is the only place where they can be successful —- they are generally lacking in social skills and basic etiquette. Consultants tend to develop a sense of superiority because they are always being called in as “experts” to fix the supposed problems created by the organization’s members. Their work is rarely, if ever subjected to peer review.
My advice to you in dealing with these people is to simply move on — the likelihood of any one of them taking your advice to heart is very low, since they are already convinced they are far smarter than you.
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August 28th, 2007 at 3:59 pm e
Camin “Nancy” Keplinger – Dr Smith, thank you for asking a question that has been interesting to mull around in my brain. I am not a psychologist. I am not sure that this is an entirely appropriate answer but my swing at it is as follows.
People who use gratuitous insults may be unaware initially that they have insulted and I think we all may be guilty of it from time to time. Someone who continues to be insulting is uncomfortable with some aspect of what has been asked. It may not be the person asking’s fault either. The insulter may be either unable to state what he is thinking to an eloquence that would reflect his thought process, oir he may not know exactly what he is thinking and may be stalling for more time. This doesn’t make the insult right. Being rude to another person isn’t okay in any situation. It is an admission that someone or something has made us uncomfortable enough to need to punch back. Words are more effective than most blows and people will use any means to defend themselves even when they don’t know why they are doing so.
I know that when someone insults me I always take a step back and look to see what else may be going on around them before I let th