Sometimes as a result of reflection I come to realize, all be it several hours later, that my role in a particular discussion was positively negative. I will see myself turning an opportunity into a tirade on some minutia. At the time it went unnoticed by me but now it stands out in high relief. The other person (the bringer of the opportunity) certainly did notice. I make a note to myself that I owe that person an apology as well as an attempt to reconnect on the opportunity.
On another occasion, I might realize that I had spent a great deal of energy and effort trying to give a particular individual guidance that would help them overcome a very negative habit. During the actual effort and in the heat of the moment I was very involved in trying to get them to see the light. Later that day, as I relive the experience, I come to realize that I have had a number of conversations with this person on the same subject and with the same results – they have no intention of changing their behavior – their attitude is simply ‘well, this doesn’t work – let’s to more of it.’ As a result of reflection I realize that this person’s self destructive behavior is their business and not mine. Any attempt to help this person amount to the proverbial ‘kamikaze raid on a vacant lot’. So I let it go and resolve to leave those pretending to be asleep pretending to be asleep.
One point of guidance in all of this – the objective is ‘understanding’ rather than ‘self-recrimination’. In order to achieve that you must learn to be kind to yourself. You must cut yourself some slack – after all, most of you are human! The small joke aside, this is a very important idea. Reflection which results in self abuse is simply masochism parading as self help. If any of this is going to result in positive change you must approach yourself as a fallible human being who needs, and deserves, your support attention and understanding. During these sessions you’ll find yourself shaking your head in disbelief – try to add a gentle, bemused smile while you’re doing that.
If we would only give, just once, the same amount of reflection to what we want to get out of life that we give to the question of what to do with a two weeks’ vacation, we would be startled at our false standards and the aimless procession of our busy days. Dorothy Canfield Fisher
Planning the renovations: One of the great benefits of reflection is that it helps you sort out what you can do from what is properly left on someone else’s plate. By living through your day a second time you have a chance to see yourself in a different light.
The second great benefit is that reflection can lay the groundwork for planning and monitoring change and personal growth. Once you have begun to understand your own behavior from this new perspective the process of managing improvements in your understanding, responses and performance becomes considerably easier.
You should notice that your focus narrows to the practical and to those things which can be accomplished with focused effort. Most people suffer failure in their attempts at personal improvement because their goals are entirely too strategic. Focusing on individual actions during the course of a specific day will result in understandings that can be acted on immediately and with intent to generate specific improvements.
So now go back to your list and begin to fill in the action items. Each action is relived and a lesson is derived from the experience. What could have been done better? What did I miss that I should have seen? How could I have behaved differently and achieved a better result? What was this person trying to tell me that I didn’t hear? Your list of questions will grow as you get better at reflection.
Every time one of these or similar questions resonates you should stop and think about how you’re going to approach similar situations differently in the future. Make a note next to that action to remind you of this new resolution. At the core of this action is a resolved to make tomorrow a better day than yesterday – to make your participation in tomorrow better than yours was in yesterday.
Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything useful. Margaret J. Wheatley
Your turn: Ten minutes is going to seem like a very long time at first – but after a week or two it will seem like not nearly enough. The habit of ten minutes flows into a life path that guides you to an entirely new vision of your self and the world that you live in – and you will awaken to a new path for your life.
Ten minutes a day can, and will, change your life if you have the resolve to let it do so. Ten minutes a day – a mere sixty one hours a year – can open opportunities, disclose secrets, expand horizons and make you a far better person than you ever thought you could become. The first ten minutes will come and pass today. Use it or lose it. Decide that your life and future is worth that small sliver of time or get ready to live yesterday over and over again.
© Dr. Earl R. Smith II
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How Do You Decide?
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