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Underlying the technological trends that have dominated the last part of the twentieth century and the early pars of the twenty first is that anti-humanist tendency that lead my client and the subjects of the Sunday morning piece to seek solace in warm shallow waters. The internet, emails, websites, instant messaging, networking events, elevator speeches and social networks provide the same kind of solace. A salve for the loneliness of having few, if any, deep relationships with fellow humans.
All of this certainly makes if harder to build and maintain what was referred to in prior generations as friendships. The fabric of human society – what held it together – was the strong tendency of humans to form bonds of friendship. The tendency to relate intensely and have those relationships define lives, was a seminal part of being human. What happens when that part begins to fade?
A recent panel discussion highlighted a possible answer to that question. One of the presenters put it this way:
“In the past, human lives were guided by a set of sustainable values. By that I mean they acted on values that were shared within their community. Values that sustained them during their lives and their community. Somewhere in the 60s that changed. The new paradigm is focused on self-gratification and self-promotion. You take what you can. Forget posterity. Forget future generations. Rape and pillage for tomorrow you may die.”
Once the focus turns strongly to the self, there are fewer reasons why other people are legitimacy on the planet. When the ‘collaboration’ model is replaced by the ‘predictor/prey dynamic’, other people become things to be manipulated. And things, in all but the extreme human conditions, are not candidates for friendships. If the panel member is right, the answer to my client’s question is most disturbing. ‘You are not the kind of being that can have friendships. The idea of friendships belongs to generations past. Go back to your 140 character world. Now, that is all there is.’
Of course, the implications of the predator/prey model are unsettling. Eventually there evolves a cabal of super predators who gain control and systematically channel everything of value into their control. The result is a hollowed out population which, increasingly, has less and less. I would have liked to be able to ask the psychologist on the Sunday morning program about that.
“I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member” Groucho Marx
So maybe that’s it. Maybe the self-loathing that results from the realization that you are a bit player with no line in a scene that will almost certainly end up on the cutting room floor makes if difficult to see oneself as a candidate for friendship:
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.
The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T.S. Eliot
In all of this I favor Einstein. “I would rather be an optimist and wrong than a pessimist and right.” But that doesn’t make the challenge of understanding less daunting. And the question still remains. Are humans less capable of establishing and maintining deep friendships or are there less opportunities for doing so?
What do you think?
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Anne Gayla wrote:
Thank you, Dr.Smith, for your provocative article….!
It’s a topic that I have considered at great length myself, because I
have witnessed the inability of many to cultivate genuine friendships
and also credit social media as one of the deterrents.
The Reality, I believe, is Fear.
More and more people are being emotionally sterilized because of Fear.
Fear of rejection, fear of scrutiny, fear of discovery, and fear of
truly ‘needing’ others.
It is Safer to generate ‘friends’ who cannot read your eyes, your heart
or your body language. In this world of social media, you can be whoever
you want to be. Re: Brad Paisley’s hit “I’m so much cooler online”
Unfortunately, the flip side of this, which is exposed in your article,
is a miserable loneliness and longing for Real Relationships…mainly
realized in times of crisis and stress. I believe this is WHY so many
people experience depression. We were created for contact and
relationship.
Stephen Covey once made a comment about making ‘emotional deposits’ in
order to ‘withdraw’ when you need them. In today’s fragmented,
dysfunctional (oh, how I hate to use that word!) society, people are so
self absorbed that many don’t take the time or effort to ‘invest’
themselves in others, and as a result are bankrupt when they need others
to invest in their well being. Could be why nursing homes are so
popular, just a thought.
Pets have also become the Safe alternative to having relationships with
Humans. My elderly mother was consumed with affection for her Cat, but
sabotaged real relationships with her children because it took Effort.
She is not alone, this is becoming epidemic in our Abundant Society. My
little chihuahua is pampered and I get great joy from her, but she is
not my Spouse, my Child or my Friend…she cannot communicate with me in
intimate terms, she cannot share a joy or a tragedy, she cannot inspire
me or rebuke me when I am out of line.
Although she can give me companionship to a degree, she cannot break my
heart with an infidelity, disappoiontment or betrayal. She is Safe, pure
and simple.
On the other hand, social media has provided a wonderful way to keep in
contact with Real Relationships, not as a substitute but an extension of
physical contact. Many a time an unexpected ‘thinking of you’…has
brightened my day.
In days gone by, people shared work on a farm/raising a barn, or sat on a
porch or a city stoop at the end of the day and shared stories and
situations and had the opportunity to cultivate close families and
neighborhoods. TV and AC have changed that, as much as social
media…bringing families and individuals ‘inside’ and isolating them
from others.
It is my sincere hope, that while we can’t go back…that in moving
forward, particularly through hard economic times, that Humans will dust
off their paranoia and find the treasure in the other Humans that share
the planet with them, face to face and heart to heart.
Mark Adelsberger wrote:
I think social media is mostly only guilty in so far
as it makes visible what has always been true. Society’s moves toward
technology have reduced true social interaction, but social media only
plays a bit part in that game (albeit a particularly ironic one).
Where technology reduces social interaction is the ATM, the
self-checkout line, the online shopping mall, the IVR phone tree… The
various conveniences that “let” us trade away our human interactions and
free us up for… what, exactly?
The focus shouldn’t be on what social media does, but on what it doesn’t
do. It doesn’t provide a new mechanism for making true friends. It
merely provides a way to be more visible among people who aren’t true
friends. (The same dynamic has been observed when social media is
trumpeted as a bringer of revolution; it only brings superficial power
to the table.)
So where social media seems to erode social bonds, what you really have
is someone who has retreated from true social situations and maybe
thinks he/she has found a substitute (but is wrong). The thing is,
absent social media certain personalities have still always found ways
to retreat. Social media may make some of these more visible (since
they’re outwardly interacting at least at a superficial level), but I
don’t believe it creates the tendency so much as maybe fascilitate it.
Now, when I see people out and about (say at a bar) and they’re choosing
to spend the evening using their smart phone to look at FB, instead of
talking to the person next to them or across the table… well, there’s a
problem. But without the smartphone, would that mean the person is
interacting; or is this a person that just would be elsewhere, or lost
in thought off to himself/herself, etc.? I’m not sure we can always
blame the technology for how we choose to use it.
When used as tools to keep in touch with friends who were made the
old-fashioned way, social media can be a positive tool in social
interaction. The problems are related to misuse by people who
misunderstand the tool’s capabilities.
It’s also easy to lose perspective when talking about “accumulating”
friends. It has always been true that the more substantial a definition
of “friend” you use, the fewer friends of that degree you would expect
to have. How many really close friends do you think the average person
had even prior to FB? A handful at most.
Lynn Kindler wrote:
Something I’ve been exploring and asking questions
about lately, Earl, have to do with how our world is changing so fast
due to technology and also its impact on society.
Other people have voiced how I feel that how we are developing
friendships or not on-line doesn’t really have as much to do with the
social media as it does with who we are and how we show up to life.
I’ve been using email since the mid-80′s when we had a very archaic
system and actually experienced a bonding, “real-ness” and
authentic-ness of friendship that I still experience today. But I’m
also someone who loves to write and loves to read so writing and reading
to others on-line feels very natural to me.
The kind of person I am is also someone who when I feel that there is
someone that I really want to include as a true heart-friend into my
world…I do that and they reciprocate. I’ve made some friends here on
LinkedIn who I really care about and I think they know that if they ever
needed anything that I could help them with, all they would have to do
is reach out and ask.
Go deeper with your question and exploration, dig for what is not being talked about.
Cheryl Roshak wrote:
If what you hypothesize is true, what a sad world
this would be, for there is both a place for real life friendships and
for virtual friendships, they each have their place and their roles I
think. I would be concerned if someone only lived in a virtual world
without actual real live friends to interact with on an ongoing basis.
And as for pets, I take a bit of umbrage with that hypothesis also. You
see, I had to put down my two dear companions a year ago, they were both
11 years of age, and large headed dogs as the Bullmastiff and
Rottweiler, which is what mine were, only have life spans of 8 – 10
years. I am a mother of two grown children, a business owner, a writer,
and have good long standing friends that I value highly. I also have
virtual connections that have meaning to me and have helped me in
various situations. I also have been taking poetry workshops on line for
the past 10 years. I tell you all this as I have a full well-rounded
life and I loved those two dogs, they were no substitute for my friends
or lovers, they were my beloved dogs and companions. I live alone on 12
acres in the middle of nowhere, and they were a comfort to me.
Everyone is different, you can’t lump all the people under one roof. Of
course there are lonely people out there, that’s why there are
therapists, coaches, churches and other organizations. And the Internet
too. But healthy people participate in the Internet too. It’s part of
our life now, and it’s not going away.
Cheryl Roshak wrote:
If what you hypothesize is true, what a sad world
this would be, for there is both a place for real life friendships and
for virtual friendships, they each have their place and their roles I
think. I would be concerned if someone only lived in a virtual world
without actual real live friends to interact with on an ongoing basis.
And as for pets, I take a bit of umbrage with that hypothesis also. You
see, I had to put down my two dear companions a year ago, they were both
11 years of age, and large headed dogs as the Bullmastiff and
Rottweiler, which is what mine were, only have life spans of 8 – 10
years. I am a mother of two grown children, a business owner, a writer,
and have good long standing friends that I value highly. I also have
virtual connections that have meaning to me and have helped me in
various situations. I also have been taking poetry workshops on line for
the past 10 years. I tell you all this as I have a full well-rounded
life and I loved those two dogs, they were no substitute for my friends
or lovers, they were my beloved dogs and companions. I live alone on 12
acres in the middle of nowhere, and they were a comfort to me.
Everyone is different, you can’t lump all the people under one roof. Of
course there are lonely people out there, that’s why there are
therapists, coaches, churches and other organizations. And the Internet
too. But healthy people participate in the Internet too. It’s part of
our life now, and it’s not going away.
Martin Roch wrote:Statistically, there are bound to be cases like the
one you describe, but short of being privy to everyone’s conversations,
it is a generalism that is hard to support with evidence. It sounds good
as a blogging piece, and there may be some truth in it, but it is just
supposition after all. What if there are good, substantive online
friendships out there ? How would one know or measure them ? I am not a
big SM user, but I have a few online friendships that I would certainly
count as substantive and developing.
Erik Kleine wrote:
How sad it may be but there were no surprises when
reading your article. It is true that more and more people become
isolated and lonely in our society.
But it is also true what Laurence is pointing out: it happens in the
wealthy part. It seems that our prosperity has a ghastly back.
You end your article with the question “Are humans less capable of
establishing and maintaining deep friendships or are there less
opportunities for doing so?”
I would say people are still as able as in former days establishing and
maintaining deep friendships. It is only that our wealthy society is
keeping us so busy with pursuing individual prosperity and luxury, that
we don’t take the time anymore. So we create lesser opportunity and
therefore make it more difficult to do.
Friendship has become a hollow phrase in many occasions. I see people calling someone else a friend, already after one contact. And as
Laurence is saying we made ‘friend’ a label easy to apply to.
Lawrence R.
Gelber wrote:
Social media is only relevant in abundant / wealthy
societies. These media do not even exist in parts of the world where
real friendships often offer the only amelioration of the suffering
caused by no water, disease, hunger, political and military repression.
Social media contacts have nothing to do with friendship – we have
simply bought the label “friend” and applied it to these contacts.