Dr. Earl R. Smith II
Managing Partner, The Federal Circle
DrSmith@Dr-Smith.com
Dr-Smith.com
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To accumulate means that now there is more than before and then there will be more than now. It is a simple idea – then why do some people have so much trouble applying it to their lives?
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Some years back I had a coaching engagement with a senior consultant. This person had risen to near the top of his profession and was, by most indicators, a thought leader in his field. After an increasingly successful career spanning almost twenty years, he began to wonder ‘what’s it all about’?
As we were negotiating the initial focus a single issue claimed the foreground of our discussions – the lack of any long-term relationships in his life. Like the proverbial Doritos – maybe you can’t eat just one but, no matter how many you eat, not one of them will be memorable over the rest. He described his life as ‘vanilla yogurt – just more of the very same and nothing much notable except success’.
Our discussion reminded me of the movie ‘Alfie’ – and Michael Caine’s amazing portrayal of Alfie Elkins. The core of the plot is:
For Alfie, the only real life is sex life; only then can he kid himself he is living. Sex is not used as the working-class boy’s way to ‘the top’. Executive status has no appeal for Alfie. Nor has class mobility. He is quite content to stay where he is, as long as the ‘birds’ are in ‘beautiful condition’, as he assures us they are in one of the candid, over-the-shoulder asides to the camera.
For Alfie, sex was the goal. For my client, business success was the new sex. And, like Alfie, the balance of his life seemed tilted towards the positive interpretation of his personal history. In the cost-benefit analysis, it was the benefits that were counted.
My understanding of women only goes as far as the pleasure. When it comes to the pain I’m like any other bloke – I don’t want to know.
It was only in the latter years of his career that he began to count up the costs. “I feel like I’ve been an oxen in harness,” he once said to me. “A dumb beast driven by a primal desire that made me more use to others than my life was use to me.”
It may be true following Benjamin Disraeli that “Youth is a blunder; manhood a struggle; old age a regret“. However, without some faith in the human ability to understand and change, my client would be right – we are all oxen in harness – without exception, beasts of burden in a senseless melodrama.
As we worked through the initial sessions, it became clear that my client was feeling that his life had been ‘non-cumulative’ when it came to human relationships. He had allowed – indeed, even expected – them to advance to a certain level but drew a line that he would not allow to be crossed. As Alfie said,
“I don’t want no bird’s respect – I wouldn’t know what to do with it.”
Relationships had a distinctly instrumental flavor for him. Each person was measured by the value they brought – no, more properly, the margin they produced. The ideal relationships had very low costs and very high gains. Very low costs implied very shallow commitments. The trappings of ‘friendship’ had been carefully proscribed. Human relationships were fundamentally transactional.
I’ve never told her that I love her – except at those times when you’ve ‘got’ to say something for appearance’s sake.
Now, in the regret stage of his life and looking back, he wondered that ‘he had done all that and that there was so little – so very little – to show for it except money’. His today was not enriched by his yesterdays – his tomorrows seemed bleaker as he crested in his career and faced inevitable decline. Money there was enough of – but it seems much less important now.
You know what? When I look back on my little life and the birds I’ve known, and think of all the things they’ve done for me and the little I’ve done for them, you’d think I’ve had the best of it along the line. But what have I got out of it? I’ve got a bob or two, some decent clothes, a car, I’ve got me health back and I ain’t attached. But I ain’t got me peace of mind – and if you ain’t got that, you ain’t got nothing. I dunno. It seems to me if they ain’t got you one way they’ve got you another. So what’s the answer? That’s what I keep asking myself – what’s it all about? Know what I mean?
The good news is that there is always time to change – the bad news is that it is so hard, even in the face of it, to take that first step and make it stick – to break habits decades in the making. It can be done – my client made the journey to a far better place and time. It isn’t easy – nor pretty along the way – but, as long as there is life, there is a chance to live it differently. And that’s the answer for us all. Know what I mean?
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Related Articles:
- Change Aversion – Coming to Terms
- Balancing Work and Life
- Yes You Can
- Building Productive Relationships
- A Non-Cumulative Life
- Giving Yourself Permission
© Dr. Earl R. Smith II
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4 Responses to “Non-Cumulative Relationships”
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As the parent of an autistic child–and the daughter of a divorcee, though not myself divorced–I hear Ms. Pollock very clearly indeed. When life hands you a large thorny prickly pear (nothing so useful as a lemon!) and someone else is whining about how his luxury doesn’t FULFILL him…the sympathy factor from those who aren’t getting paid to counsel him drops a lot. (Nor am I convinced that Campbell’s “follow your bliss” is always rewarded by money, any more than virtuous behavior is followed by money…that’s been clear for all human history. Nice guys don’t always finish last, but they rarely top the lists of the most wealthy. And the advice “Don’t worry about the money” is a heap of coals thrown at a mother who has a disabled child, no job, and faces possible homelessness. Try it when you’re in that situation!)
We all make choices. Those who have money and power and suddenly want satisfying relationships they never bothered to build should be told what they so glibly tell the poor: take responsibility for your choices, buster, and work your way out of it.
Many of us also have challenges thrust on us that we did not choose, such as a child’s disability or being born the 5th child in a dirt-poor family or having a parent in prison. It is all too common these days for these categories to be misunderstood and mislabeled–for parents like Ms. Pollock to be blamed for their children’s needs, children to be blamed for their parents’ failings, and for the wealthy and powerful to be pitied for their “problems.”
I grew up poor, child of divorce, scorned by some because of that (never mind that I was well-behaved, made good grades in school, etc. “Child of divorce” was a handy label and reason to ignore what I did right and predict a dire future for me.) Against all the nay-sayers, I’m doing well–I have friends from way back (50+ years at this point) as well as newer ones; I have (so far as any freelance writer’s career is reliable) a good career writing books I enjoy writing. Our 40th anniversary is a week away; our autistic son is doing better than was predicted (though it’s still hard at times not to keep regretting what he can’t do.) I know my problems now (and we all have them) are tiny compared to what Ms. Pollock’s facing. I enjoy life, music, friends, beauty…and for that reason have scant patience with whiners, especially the privileged ones.
Your client? Spoiled little-old boy with a sense of entitlement who’s lucky he had you for a counselor and not me, because I’d have given him a whack upside the ego with a clue-bat from day one. Sent him down to a soup kitchen, a food bank, an ER to work as a volunteer, meet the real world face to face, and get over himself.
And yes, I’m a mean old lady when it comes to whiny rich guys.
Dr. Smith,
When I started to read this post, I initially thought I indentified with your consultant. As I read more, your consultant sounds a lot like a CEO I knew. He used his employees to accomplish the organization’s goals but failed to provide any coaching or even a thank you to the staff. This CEO had the rule that the sales guy at the bottom would no longer be a member of the team the following quarter. Most consultants I know develop cumulative relationship; the sales guys and my former CEO do what is described in this article.
The response by Ms. Pollock is on target. I suspect she helped her company to success, her company released her, and now she wonders what went wrong. I understand this. When I think of cumulative relationships, I think of that CEO or sales person who asks the simple question, “What can I do for you?” with sincerity and offers to help pay the mortgage or provide some financial help based on Ms. Pollock’s contributions to the team. This rarely happens and to have an article about a consultant who feels he failed at creating friendships and needs help just seems to be dishonest and untrue for most of the folks I know.
I understand the comments by Ms. Pollock and Mr. Askew. Ms. Pollock and Mr. Askew are folks who if they came into a fortune would share it (even with the stranger who made it possible). While the consultant in this article would never share financial success with anyone, he achieved his success because of folks like Ms. Pollock and Mr. Askew – folks who simply want to do some good.
What coaching strategy do you offer for the likes of us? We want to do some good, make some money, and have created cumulative relationships because we care.
Thanks for a great comment – one that obviously comes from the heart. Some of the comments I’ve received remind me of work that I did with a CEO several years back. It took me a long time to convince him that he was on the wrong path. Much of what we attempt to become is inherited from our parents and early experiences – and most of that is a wrong fit for us. The CEO had to come to terms with the fact that the path he had chosen was not his own. He got more joy out of the work he did on the weekend. When he was younger he started a company that focused on wine but, as he went through school, the focus was on technology. In reality, he hated technology because it was keeping him away from his real love – wine. I had to help him come to terms with this – then sell his company – then get up the courage to follow his bliss. Now he is running a company that arranged wine tours and imports US wines to Europe and the UK. He smiles a lot more and can’t believe that he is making money without technology – but he’ll take it any day. My advice is find your bliss and follow it. Don’t worry about the money and don’t do something to make a big score. If you follow your bliss, the money will come. As I wrote in the article, the first steps are very hard – habits are fearsome to defeat – but finding your path is the way forward. Everything welse is marking time. Hope this helps, Chief
Dear Dr. Smith, I am also embarking on the wonderful journey of becoming a coach, lucky you you’ve been on this trip for a lot longer! I loved this article, several things forced me to consider the “dumb oxen” theme in my own life. I’ve made a complete mind-spirit shift from being afraid of being self-employed to realising FINALLY I can determine what success means for myself. Finally I don’t have to complete huge checklists of stuff only for someone to ask, “and how can you prove to me this adds value to the business?” Your articles are so useful and uplifting, thanks and have a wonderful day, Namaste!
I am at a crossroads right now where I am questioning if I’ve done the right thing for the past 41 years. I’ve respected authority, honored my parents, invested in my education (both formal and informal), paid taxes, played fair, worked hard and honestly, etc., etc., etc. In summary, I’ve invested in “human relationships”, the common good, in “doing the right thing” since I have memory. Along with it, I’ve experienced the pain and frustration of doing so in hopes of sowing a rewarding future.
The future has arrived but there is a huge issue with my approach: there is no guarantee that the time to sow will come. Or that dividends will be paid. Today, I am unemployed and trying to start a business while going to school (again) to change careers… I am divorced and raising a daughter with autism… I do not qualify for any government help or program… So, today, I am not seeing the benefit of my approach.
At least the gentleman you’ve counseled has more than enough wealth today to invest in his “new approach to life”. He can now comfortably go and work on building “human relationships”, without worrying about success and money for his day-to-day needs. He has that freedom because he chose an approach to life based on his well-being and ONLY his well-being.
On the other hand, I am 41 years old and cannot pay the mortgage with my “human relationship gains”… and I have very little empathy for people with “problems” like the gentleman mentioned.