Dr. Earl R. Smith II

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59 Responses to “How do you deal with a colleague who is angry all the time?”
1.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:39 am e
Morgan Frank: one of the best business books i have ever read is called “getting to yes”.
it is ostensibly a book about negotiation, but in reality is an excellent resource for all manner of interpersonal relationships. it’s a very easy read. you’ll get through it in an evening.
one of the key issues it covers is to always negotiate based on outcomes, never positions. angry people tend to just dig in their heels and fight you on whatever you want to try to do. the trick is to turn it around on them and ask what can be done to bring about the team’s goal. if you can elicit a productive response, it is very hard for them not to buy in and start doing something useful.
trying to tiptoes around that sort of angry posturing just lends it strength. you need to go right at it and avoid being bullied. but you also need to keep it from becoming personal. keep the discussion on facts and things that need to be done. questions like “and what does that have to do with solving this issue?” are helpful. just keep bringing him back on task and treating the anger like it’s irrelevant (because it is).
if the guy really is disruptive and impossible to work with, then toss him. one bad guy like that can really damage team morale and performance.
2.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:40 am e
Joseph Shaheen: My first reaction would be to make sure that the person is aware that he/she is being percieved as angry. Sometimes people just don’t know that they seem angry all the time. I would do this quietly and without embarassing them.
Take them aside, to a conference room for example and say ” You know I’m just trying to help you but you’re being perceived as angry amongst the team. Is there any way that i can help? Is there something frustrating you about me or others that results in your being angry all the time?”
You have to be careful though, this could backfire in your face so make sure you use a very peaceful and submissive tone at first with a stronger more firm tone towards (but still peaceful) the end of the conversation to assert that something needs to be done.
If that person gets frustrated a lot due to something a particular person does then act as a middleman and approach this third party and say “hey, for the sake of accomplishing this project can you tone down blablabla”
By the way this is a great way (acting as a middle-person/ peacemaker etc.) to be seen as a great employee or leader (depending on your role) and to increase your sphere of influence within your company, while making a positive impact on your surroundings. Under certain circumstances you can directly affect the overall environment, efficiency and profitability of the firm.
The #1 key to this though is to be very careful when getting involved in this. IF you hit the wrong tone with certain people it can seriously backfire and you can be seen as the source of the problem rather than a solving party if things don’t work right within your firm (bad environment etc.).
I would also suggest seeking professional help. Someone experienced in conflict resolution or someone experienced in HR systems. Preferably from the outside so that fingers will not be pointed inside the firm when push comes to shove.
There are many expert conflict resolution experts. In our firm we have also dealt with minor conflict resolution acting as outside consultants but we are not experts. Please e-mail me directly if there’s something more i can do. One of the worst things that can happen to anyone is being in a negative and aggresive work environment.
3.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:41 am e
Mohamed Taher: A human outlook for that type of colleague is: You deal with him / her only for 7.5 business hours, and this much bothers you–as you think you are forced to deal with such a temperamental personality.
Then, what about the life partner / companion / dependants / etc., who have to deal 16.5 hours–or 2/3rd of his / her life.
And, if you consider the latter as a positive point, it may give you an opportunity to tolerate as-much-as possible–live and let live approach.
See my blog post: 3 Ways to Handle Anger Before Anger Handles You
Links:
http://multifaith.blogspot.com/2007/07/3-ways-to-handle-anger-before-anger….
4.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:42 am e
Jeff Alan: Here’s a crazy thought…give em a hug. Most people are angry because they are misunderstood. They have poor communications skills and it manifests itself as anger. These people seldom want nothing more than to ensure they are heard. Faciltate that and you may well diffuse the attitude. Even a bad dog needs to be stroked from time to time.
5.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:43 am e
Sheilah Etheridge: I would attempt to pull this person aside and try to determine what is going on behind the scene. It may be work related, but most likely there is something going on in this persons life and they need to talk to someone. After trying to talk to them I would also suggest counseling if it cannot be resolved. If it is afecting the team and the performance of this person (and others) I would consider a probationary period while it is being worked out.
It is possible the person doesn’t realize how they are coming acrosss to others. Of course, it is also possible they do know and just don’t care.
In this day and age it is far to risky to ignore it. This person may not be a danger, but it often takes the smallest thing to set someone off.
6.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:45 am e
Steve Broadhead: I would and have in situations like this just asked the person what is wrong. Maybe they feel their ideas are being ignored or maybe the cause of the anger has nothing to do with what you are working on. I’d just take a moment and ask them why. Nothing real complicated just “Why to you seem upset al the time?”. Then just deal with what the issue is. Whatever the outcome at least the issue is known and can be dealt with.
7.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:48 am e
John Arundell: With whom are they angry?
I had a situation where one member of the team was continually getting “angry” for seemingly no reason.
After a while I worked out that he was frustrated – angry with himself – because he was having trouble communicating his point of view. His natural tempo was a bit slower than the rest of us and we tended to race ahead.
After the revelation that it was frustration with the communication process, we just slowed it down. He became the stalwart of the group and probably contributed more than any other for the next couple of years of the groups existence.
My take away from that is that the signs of anger are very similar to the signs of frustration. If we perceive anger we react with defensiveness which only serves to further frustrate the other party.
Look, listen, slow down.
8.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:49 am e
Regina Yau: In my various positions, I’ve come across colleagues of all stripes who need anger management classes and who express their anger is a variety of ways.
I’m not by any means an expert on this matter but here’s some things I learned from experience:
The key thing to managing this constantly-angry person is, I think, tied to how they express their anger. I’m in favour of first finding out what is eating the angry person – the trigger may not be the people at work but something happening in their personal life in which case you may be able to neutralise it by
If she/he is simply a a****** (as Bob Sutton so succintly terms it) and is on a power trip, then it is essential to get him/her and that toxic attitude out of there.
E.g. If he/she is a screamer, then defusing the screaming sessions may simply be a matter of telling him/her to go cool off and not come back until they have calmed down.
E.g. If he/she is passive-aggressive, call him/her on it always.
I didn’t do that when I was younger and more junior at one of my earlier places of work and as a result, the overall team suffered (me from very bad stress, the seniors with flailing around in the dark because they are tiptoeing around the angry/disruptive person and the whole office became political just to manage said person).
Now, although I’m not confrontational, I push back and I nip things in the bud – very important to do that before the situation goes out of control.
9.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:50 am e
George Anderson: Anger in the workplace is a common problem which is increasing worldwide. I agree with the person who suggested pulling the co-woker aside and letting them know that you have noticed a change/pattern in their behavior which is impacting the teams performance.
Ask if you may in any way be helpful. Suggest that he or she consider enrolling in a coaching class where they may receive help in dealing with any stress or anger which may be bothering them.
Stress is far more acceptable than anger and and both are more acceptable than counseling or psychotherapy.
Anger is a normal human emotion which becomes a problem when it affects interpersonal relationships, occurs too frequently, lasts too long, is harmful to self or other or leads to aggression.
In this case, the colleagues anger is impacting the team’s performance/interpersonal relationships.
Anger management coaching or classes begin with an assessment to determine the clients level of functioning in recognizing and managing stress, anger, assertive communication and emotional intelligence.
The focus of the coaching or classes are designed to teach enhancement skills in these areas.
10.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:51 am e
Noman Said: Try and analyze the reason for anger. Observe him and let him talk more because the more he talks the more the chances are that he will say something that will give you a clue and which will help you to figure out the reason, than based on the reasons the future course of action can be decided.This is a common phenomena and every now and than we come across such personalities but if you try n do the pscho analysis you will come to know that most of the time the reasons are not too big for which hue n cry is raised very often and most of the time they do it habitually. After observing you must have a word to clear the issues or his problems but if there is no improvement than you cant carry passengers.
11.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:52 am e
Prashant Nair: Here are some solutions to handling such a person:
1] Try to understand that he might had a bad day at work or home and hencedont try and raise ur voice.
2] Be genuinely interested in soliving his / her problems.
3] Try to pull him / her over to a quite place and talk nice words to soothen the tension.
4] If he is usually always angry without reason inspite of ur trials, never take his word to ur mind and always handle his tensions with smile and be cool.
12.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:55 am e
Vincent Wright: You’ve received several outstanding answers already but, I’d just like to add a couple of quick points.
1. I’d start by trying to be human: invite the guy out to lunch. I know that almost none of us would want to go out to lunch with someone who’s perceived to be perpetually angry but sometimes, even the most clear headed of us can get stuck in emotional places that are just beyond us. And they may be beyond us not just because they are intellectually challenging but just we just need someone to see the other side of the problem/sphere that we just can’t see. Of course, we don’t know what the guy’s issue is but, a simple lunch invitation may give him an opportunity to calm down. (I always feel better when people take ME out to lunch! :–))
2. If lunch is too big of a stretch, just ask a simple question: “How are you doing, Bob? How’s it going? Are you, ok?”
This isn’t meant to be a “rocket science” approach but, again, a human approach. Perhaps the gentleman just needs to be re-introduced to what *feeling* human feels like. (Under pressure, even the most social of us can forget, can lose touch with the power to relate to others. We need to remember that though we can be strong for long periods of time, we’re all susceptible to losing our ability to successfully relate.)
3. Offer help – WITHOUT PRYING – (don’t mean to yell.) By offering help without prying just extend a generic helping hand: “Let me know if I can help?”
4. Change the subject from the project. – “Bob, some of us are going to check out the game Thursday night. Want to join us?” (All of us can use a change of pace, a change of scenery, sometimes.)
5. Finally, pass out to the WHOLE GROUP something along the lines of “The 4 Types of Communication” . I posted a summary of those 4 well-known types here: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MyLinkedinPowerForum/message/587
By the way, Earl: I would NOT single him out to give it to just him. I’d make sure that I passed it out to the entire team, including him.
Hope the help…
13.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:26 pm e
Roberta E Eastman: In a past leadership position I was taught a coaching process that we used for the various behaviors we encountered with the upwards of 600 associates we led. It worked well for most behaviors, including anger.
Dr. Smith you don’t mention if anyone is in a position to have a conversation with the person who is always angry. If so, then this process may be of some assistance.
This is held in private discussion with the person.
Build rapport-
Show sincere personal interest
Establish an open respectful discussion tone
Engage the person in conversation
Brief agenda statement
Identify a strength the person has demonstrated and the impact of that strength on the team
Invitation for them to come to agreement:
Introduce the behavior/development opportunity
Move into the following process:
Behavior-Introduce what you have seen -Specifically describe examples of the observed behavior.
Impact-What impact is it having on the team -Describe the impact the behavior is having on the team.
Invitation-I wanted US to meet so WE could go over some ways that will help you…..? (Staying away from I or me here is important)
Gain the persons agreement to work on a plan to change the behavior
Establish a follow up meeting. Follow up meeting should be soon, not waiting to long.
End the meeting on the human side. You can make an emotional deposit to the person.
The Result:
Get to the root cause
Agree on the behavior
Ask for commitment to change
14.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:27 pm e
Bryan Wang: A simple answer: let her/his supervisor deal with it. If her/his supervisor is also your supervisor, it would be easier. Before going to her/his supervisor, be sure the other team members also feel the same. If necessary, go to her/his supervisor with some team members.
15.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:28 pm e
Scott Lutwyche: Good Questions:
My question is: How do you deal with a person who is always angry? What strategies have you found that worked? What ones did not work?
1. For a start- a person simply cannot be angry ALL the time.
anger is not a very long lasting emotion. Anger increases adrenalin which over the course of the day is not sustaining.
It is impossible to rationally deal with someone who is angry.
Best thing to do is tell them to go and deal with their anger and to come back when they can be rational and business like.
I would agree with previous answers that their anger needs to be defused.
They are the ones who are responsible for their state. – perhaps they are unaware of their disruptive influence they are showing.
Perhaps you could take them aside and point it out blatatnly to them – e.g. Match and mirror their anger -
In the right context this works.
Its a tough one and really depends on the individual and how much rapport you have with them.
Smother them with niceness
Both theses approaches could also go pear-shaped unless you yourself have “poise” and come at it with the right intent.
16.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:29 pm e
Tim Winthrop: My two cents worth that has helped in the past:
Honestly no one is angry for no reason. And the only why you’ll know is to spend time asking and listening to why they are behaving the way they are. Sometimes there is a single or combination of issues acting in the background that might need to be addresses. Occasionally it’s can be more embedded in their personality, there are unfortunately some mental illnesses that can present as anger all the time and at the world. Once you have the understanding bit in place then I think you can start working on strategies.
17.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:30 pm e
Mark Plant: As a regular team member, I have been hesitant about getting involved personally unless I was the team leader, or had a special relationship with the person. As a member of a team I would be happy to bring the disruptive behaviour to the attention of the team leader, supported by the evidence, if they were not already aware of it. As a team leader, if a quiet chat offsite does not resolve things, I would regard this as a matter for the HR department to deal with, and I would work with them towards a solution.
By following the hierarchy like this, it will avoid any personalisation of the problem, but instead focus on the team dynamic, and ensure that efforts are channelled by people who should have responsibility, training and experience of dealing with it, while the rest of the team press on with their jobs.
At the end of the day, this person either wants to be on the team or not. The ball will be in their court to decide, with the support of the rest of us, which ever way it goes.
18.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:31 pm e
Michel Nolard: Can you determine if, when simplified, this anger comes from “what/who (s)he is working with is not perfect” (first category of angry people) or from a motto like “I don’t care doing anything, stop bothering me !” (second category of angry people) ?
They are other categories, but I need information from you before.
19.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:32 pm e
Tom Field: Sounds like a Myers-Briggs test & group exercise on intended/perceived behavior are in order!
First of all, the individual has to care about how he or she is perceived by others. Then has to be made to realize that negative perceptions can have a negative impact on the career. If the individual doesn’t or won’t care … well, then you might have a tough decision to make. Can your team survive this negative influence?
If the individual *does* care, then some good team/leadership training might be in order. I’m a big fan of programs offered by the Center for Creative Leadership.
20.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:33 pm e
Pankaj Shukla: The man who is always angry, is most probably carrying his disturbed family affairs at work. Have you ever tried to know why is he behaving the way he is? Perhaps he wants someone to listen to his personal problems, and be a parent to him. If he is allowed to get his troubles and pains out of his mind, he may calm down.
21.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:34 pm e
Phil Johnson: You don’t take it personally.
Something being said during a conversation may trigger the individual to go into a “survival mode” habit. They feel they are being attacked. A belief, perception or past experience may cause the person to unconsciously filter what is being said and they react.
When you become immune to the colleague’s thoughts, opinions and actions you become more focused, relaxed, connected, effective and happy. This does not mean that you give up responsibility for your actions. What it does mean is that you stop taking responsibility and reacting to the actions of others. What others say or do is never about you – it’s about them, their point of view – their reality.
By allowing ourselves to look at the thoughts, opinions and actions of others more objectively we become better listeners. Is this easy to do – of course not. By not taking it personally we begin to lower our walls and open up to other possibilities. We step out of our paradigm and begin to see things as they truly are – the true reality. We become both a participant and a curious observer within the conversation. By resisting the urge to react you demonstrate authentic leadership. Over time your actions may inspire the colleague to do the same.
22.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:36 pm e
Edwin Hung: I would conduct a training session about team spirit.
The lesson is to tolerate and to assist member’s shortcomings.
Each member’s major behavioral problems will be discussed, his/hers being last. I would ask everybody to promise the team that s/he would improve before next session. And at the end of that meeting, I will urge the rest of the team to SPECIALLY bear with his/her temper, saying that he knows it is not right and he is working very hard to improve.
Next session(s) will follow-up on the status of each member’s improvements. If his/her temper remains uncontrolled, s/he will receive a verbal warning from me, privately.
When all members has shown significant improvements except him/her, I will thank the team for their efforts and tolerance during a session, and promise them I will see to that he/her problem will be corrected in a definite period of time, or necessary disciplinary measures will be taken.
And I would give him/her a written warning right after the session.
S/he will be out if situation remains.
23.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:37 pm e
Jof Walters: Communicate all the time. I had a similar situation recently with an ops director who had a problem with my way of working. I sat down with him and we beat out all of his issues and looked at why I do things the way I do. After a while we cleared all the issues and working together became easier. I sit down with him regularly to check that we are still in agreement on things and to keep the relationship on an even keel. It’s a bit of work but it helps him and me.
24.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:38 pm e
Arun Kumar V: I wouldn’t exactly call this an answer to your question as I do not have one.
Yes, one could do tests and all the works which start with a ‘psy’ and end in infinity and growing, to achieve up to various degrees of 90+% success. I have yet to come across a book / system / website that can guarantee 100% success in assuming another person’s emotions / inner issues.
Why is that person angry all the time? Does he/she have a dislike for the mission-critical objective in question, increase in peak hour traffic, outsourcing, alimony payments, laws against heroin, there are a million other permutations and combinations.
None of these have one common answer, because all of the above are different questions. A question in most cases, the ‘angry’ person alone can answer.
And till that answer is found, the person in question would have to choose to live with a decision based on calculations that others make. If that person understands that, he/she will, in most cases, gladly provide the answer.
In ‘most’ cases, people are angry because they are not listened to, not understood, not accepted, singled-out or all of the above. These are what I try first. Listen, talk, understand and to the extent possible, accept that person’s viewpoint.
I have observed that one reaction to anger has definitely never worked on a long term basis. Anger.
Sometimes, this could be done in a minute or a day, it could even take years, depending on the reason.
So till then, keep smiling…that way, at least you did your best.
25.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:39 pm e
Elizabeth Ball: As a few others have mentioned, the type of anger may differ but usually anger is the expressed belief that others have stepped over your boundaries and hence, is rooted in fear.
A truly angry person is a scared person so what are they really upset about?
26.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:40 pm e
Gerald Lo: The outward manifestation of anger may not be deliberate, as some previous respondents seem to suggest.
As a colleague, subordinate, peer, or supervisor, it is probably not constructive in my opinion to practice a field promotion to therapist or Mommy.
If the individual is unaware of the perceived behavior, I am not sure that the appearance of a personal observation and value judgment expressed by the observer will be warmly embraced by the subject.
I’ve found that some people affect this behavior as a pre-emptive strike. Cultivating a behavior of easy and imminent anger creates a sort of pre-emptive strike, and the expectation is that others will defer to the Angry Person.
As some people suffer from leprosy, my burden is an MBA in Marketing. If memory serves, if you refer to Professor Kotler’s well-known text, there’s a table on negotiation which numbers among its recommendations one which encourages the practitioner to “Act Crazy.”
I’ve found that a lot of those who act angry all the time are carefully cultivating a deliberate projected image of control. My experience is that there are seldom victors in urination competitions.
I am unable to distinguish between the intelligent people and their opponents who may be not so much when they are engaged in argument.
Which is to say, I try not to engage in demonstrating who is angrier than whom. I make the effort not to rise to provocative baiting, deliberate or inadvertent, and focus the team (mainly me) on the mission critical objective.
The Angry Person was assigned to the team for a reason, presumably not to sabotage the enterprise. As it can take two to tango or tussle, I’ve found that getting what the team needs from the A.P. is what was expected from me as project manager.
I prefer to think of my role as one of active management where required, not “just barely managing, thank you very much.” I leave the counseling, behavior modification, disciplining, dispensing of justice and punishment to others.
27.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:42 pm e
Anthony Derbyshire:
1. Stay calm. Remember you always decide how to respond. Don’t get drawn into their anger.
2. Pull them aside and speak to them alone. Make them aware of how they present themselves. Sincerely try to understand the anger.
3. Tell them, sincerely, what you like about them and what you like about working with them. Only do this if you can do it sincerely,
4. Tell them how their behavior is effecting the group.
5. Remind them of the objective.
6. Tell them, sincerely, again, that you need their help.
Everyone is entitled to their full range of emotions at work. Once in a while, tempers flair, but for someone to be always angry is unacceptable and not productive. Years ago, I read a book by Og Mandino called ‘The Greatest Secret in the World.’ In he mentions how to deal with people that bother you or that you don’t get along with. He says to greet them wth love and to silently say ‘I love you’ with your actions. It sounds a bit corny, doesn’t it? Guess what. It works. It keeps you calm so you can better deal with them…at least some of the time.
28.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:42 pm e
Laurence Cale: I have a similar situation that I am trying to deal with. I find that keeping a behaviours diary helps – note down what the behaviour was, what its negative effects were and whether there were witnesses to it. This helps you remain objective in your assessment of the individual and also helps to establish any repetetive patterns. It also allows you to show the effects of any coaching you do to bring the person on side (great suggestions in this thread).
Ultimately if coaching doesn’t work then you have all the evidence you need to use your company’s procedures to get rid of that person. This may seem harsh but life is too short to expend on people bring you and your team down – especially if you are working on something mission critical!
29.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:44 pm e
Leri M. Thomas, Ph. D.: Cheerfully. I don’t like to mix personal problems with business, and a true professional learns to cope with emotions in a different setting. If it’s a work-related issue, there is no real reason to get personal, even though a lot of people do. Families who own businesses usually have to learn this more than the rest of us. They must learn to “compartmentalize” if they are going to get the job done.
Why cheerfully? Actions lead emotions. Angry people have lost their sense of humor. They are taking themselves and everyone else too seriously. They are not enjoying what they are doing. If I can maintain an upbeat attitude I am leading the situation into more productive grounds, and by my actions am introducing the angry person to a new perspective without challenging his or her vulnerability.
The risk in this approach is that people who are attempting to control others with their anger, get angrier. They crank up the steam in the hopes that they can hang onto their self-centeredness, and their ability to control their own situation and others. Nevertheless, it really isn’t where they want to be. Most people would really rather be happy and comfortable. They just need an invitation. If I am cheerful, and do not make fun of them, I am offering them a chance to regain their perspective with grace and dignity.
There are those who have serious problems like addiction. I can’t fix that, but they are going to be more open with me if they feel as though I like them and can find something to smile about. I place myself in a better position to help should they decide they want it.
30.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:46 pm e
Kristian Aa Rasmussen: Can such anger be brought to a halt by arguments? Are there any factors which you can affect that have brought about this anger? Is it bitterness caused by factors at work? Then work at those. If not:
1) Use your emotions. That means: Don’t be afraid of conflict, it is very productive if you know how to use anger to state your message: Start working with us, start contributing to the positive athmosphere or beat it! And make sure that it is talked about afterwards – it must not become a taboo or a collective trauma for your group.
2) Communicate in a way that will direct this persons anger in the right direction. Use the power of this anger for the right purpose! Your angry person will end up energized and maybe even happy!
You need to know the person well and know what triggers anger or negativity. Ask her for an opinion, for proposed action, involve her more than average, and this involvement will expose her so much she will either assume responsability or reveal that she is useless as a team member. In this case, return to suggestion 1 and you are sure to solve your problem quickly, one way or the other!
3) I like Jeff’s Idea of giving a hug! It’s fun, highly provocative and the results might be explosive. Not possible in any environment or with any person!
31.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:47 pm e
Fredric Joss Shelley: I wish there was an easy answer for this, but sometimes people are who they are. Although you may try different tactics to diffuse situations, I think behavior patterns can be difficult to modify long-term.
I’m a firm believer in taking things one step at a time. I allow the opportunity for someone to discuss the problem, but then I steer the conversation to taking action and finding a solution. While it’s important to get the feedback of the person who is angry, it’s similarly important to get the feedback from others on the team. You might ask, does someone else feel the same way about this? Then, get that person to share, which will show the angry person that the problem isn’t theirs alone, and more importantly, that there are ways of handling it and not just how they have reacted.
It’s certainly a tough situation – sometimes it takes a leader to pull someone aside to assess the situation but also state that on a professional level, their behavior is disruptive. It doesn’t have to negate what they are feeling, but in a business situation, there are healthier ways of working.
32.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:48 pm e
Robert Fornal: If the individual is that disruptive, it will break the team over time … you might have to remove them from the team and possibly completely from the company. Is this the face you want presented to clients?
33.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:48 pm e
Angela Wong: There is one person who is constantly angry at my work place. He has developed such a reputation over the years that people working with him simply want to avoid him. He has finally realized that he is not getting support from his staff (a team of 28!) and the communication that can effectively get the work done. He cuts out other people’s opportunities to speak if that is not what he wants to hear, and he turns everything upside down if there is a suggestion that he is not capable of doing. I haven’t quite figured out a way to deal with him yet, as his moods swing from normal to angry without any signals.
Also angry people seem to be offended very easily so being careful around them with what you say is important. However, I don’t believe that avoidance is the correct way to deal with it in the long run; at the end of the day this is a team environment that we must be working together to deliver the outcomes. If you are thinking of pulling them aside and having a direct and open talk with angry people, make sure that their boss see what you see and believe in what you believe.
34.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:49 pm e
Noor Muhammad: As some others also said better solution seems to talk the person and make him feel what others feel about him. Preferably such talks should not be at work place in formal way but after work taking person out for lunch/over a cup of tea or some cosy place, may be he is not reacting the same way when not at work and can better understand.
Another view you can give him that working angry with stress is also not safe and he might make mistakes which may cause harm to himself or his co-workers and impacts of accidents are transfered to families.
35.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:51 pm e
Denise Anne Taylor: What defines “anger” to your client? What is disruptive (is it a point of view, not on task with other team members, is it tone of voice, intonation, verbal abuse, uncontrolled emotional outbursts etc.)?
Defining the level or degree of behavior is important as perceptions vary.
Is anger being confused with defiance or the lack of alignment with other team members?
I believe this assessment is critical to determine next steps.
36.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:52 pm e
Scott Goldman: My approach varies depending on the individual. How I deal with X may be completely different than how I deal with Z. I went through this recently when I inherited two angry direct reports. Before trying to even work with them, I needed some data:
1- Has anything happened in their personal life that would account for being in a perpetual state of anger?
2- Has this been an issue with senior management and team members?
3- Did the company or a predecessor mistreat this person?
4- Is their a health issue that they may be dealing with?
Once I had some information I began to work with my managers. Understand, it’s not my role or desire to fix” them, I can not and will not attempt to go there. My job is to manage these limitations and raise their awareness of how this mindset has an effect on others.
In both cases, I sat down for a one to one and asked each of them what was going on. After asking, I shut up and actively listened. It was evident that they both had a list of grievances with the company and it most cases, they were quite valid.
At this point, they knew that I was paying attention and offering some empathetic and practical solutions. They also got the message that I was fully cognizant of their strengths and past contributions and wanted to build on the positive and spend less time on the negative. With that, we set up a few ground rules as to how we can best communicate with each other and I never once had to threaten or remind them of our chat. The degree of angry incidents and hurt feelings dissipated noticeably and with some coaching we redirected that energy and transformed the immediate environment into one that was productive and enjoyable for all.
37.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:53 pm e
Toby Considine: I think Denise is right. Often what some see as anger has nothing to do with anger on the person involved. Other times something that starts out as having nothing to do with anger gets turned into such by other’s reactions.
So, the first question is, is he actually angry?
- I work in a technical area of great complexity. I know I scowl when I am thinking hard. I have encountered people who will not work with someone who is not smiling and being chummy. Their attempts to chum me out of thinking hard while I am concentrating on a problem, while well meant, usually are jut annoying. Until I recognized that pattern, I was befuddled by odd reactions I got, and then annoyed….
- Many technically demanding jobs are best filled by someone with what in our over-medicalized world we call high-performing Ausbergers. Another way to look at this is that people who are able to focus entirely and completely on a task do so by focusing entirely and completely on a task, the exclusion of worrying about everyone else’s feelings at every moment. Such a person may feel that his time is being wasted by people wanting to hold hands and sing Kumbaya and eat donuts. Such a person may also be key to the answer.
- Home life, divorce, alimony have already been mentioned. It may not be anything even “wrong” – I have known more than a few colleagues whose ability and tolerance for empathy were entirely consumed by the needs of dealing with a teenage daughter at work.
- Sometimes the answer is sharing less. Sometimes the angry one is from a different cultural group with different expectations. A socially conservative consumed with home life and coaching kids may be annoyed if on a committee with the singles who share self absorbed discussions last weekend’s exploits during the initial “social” part of the meeting. If that person feels overworked by their non-committee work, they may well have conflicted feelings about the process and their co-workers.
- Pain. Chronic Pain. The angry guy may just be having a flair up of his kidney stones. Or his bad back. This does two things. It sets an edge to the voice, and a set to the face that many interpret as anger. It creates a sense of vulnerability at the same time as it reduces sensitivity to others. The co-worker who tries to tip-toe around the perceived anger with banter may well generate real anger before too long. The person who has worked with the afflicted person for a year and still hasn’t figured out that his back goes out regularly may be all smiles, but the afflicted one may well also feel the niceness is purely superficial. A simple acknowledgement “You look like you’re really hurting today” flags the real issues to other members of the team, so they will not take offense, acknowledges the pain, to address the social needs of the afflicted one, and alerts the afflicted one that he may be sending out messages he does not attend.
Unless and until you have any idea what the actual issues are, the assumption that anger is driving things may be wrong. My perception is that today’s smaller families increase misperception on these issues as the children grow up and enter the work place. Having experienced insufficient conflict as they grow up, they are easily offended by strong feelings, and often unable to work past their self absorption.
38.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:55 pm e
Yvonne Larose: You have 37 answers ahead of mine. I don’t usually answer questions with that many responses as they’re quite time consuming to read. But for what it’s worth —
A person who is angry all of thhe time is usually at the maximum of their stress tolerance level. They need to learn how to relax.
They also need to learn how to put things in perspective as well as take responsibility for matters that emanated from them.
Since the project is mission critical, the team members need to talk with their co-member on one level in order to drive home the most important focus. In each communication, they need to talk about the deadline of the project, what needs to be done next with regard to the project, how to get something done on the project for which the team member has expertise, the team member’s input is needed with regard to the project in a particular are.
To avoid the person because of their consternation will only make things worse and drive the wedge of division into place longterm.
Once the project is over, *everyone* will have a reason to celebrate. Each will have some personal victory to share. And although our stressed-out team member will have a difficult time, they will be able to see their accomplishments and their value.
After the fact, the manager may want to have a talk with this person and mention the things they did that made working with them good at this time, and what madeit difficult in teh past.
39.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:56 pm e
Susan Otterson: I read a book called “Toxic People in the Workplace.” It was very helpful to me when I had to deal with a similar situation. I would definitely not give this person a hug, as one person has suggested. That might be interpreted incorrectly. My best strategy is to stay as far away from this person as possible. You should also document the behavior and discuss with your HR department for your own protection.
40.
July 23rd, 2007 at 3:13 pm e
Frank Gorrell: I had this experience. She came very, very close to loosing her job at one point. However, she seemed to get beyond that. There are many great answers here. So I do I deal with it? In my mind it is their issue, not mine. I cannot take it personally. If he or she attacks, such as yells or uses abusive language, I ask him or her to stop and report it to our Ethics Officer. (This helped my former co-worker.)
In another case, there was a very negative person (it so happened to be at the same office as the person I refer to above). This person took out her anger on a fax machine! She poured water into it because it annoyed her. She forfeited her job.
These people can make life miserable. Be thankful you are not as miserable as they are!
41.
July 23rd, 2007 at 3:14 pm e
Walter Groth: Anger is a deep rooted feeling and usually it has nothing to do with the meeting, the people there or the topics discussed. The angry person is projecting its anger towards anybody willing to buy into it. Here are two ways how one can handle such a situation: 1.) The facilitator or the team leader turns to the person and at the same time steps back as far enough as the room permits. And then asks the question being detached and coming from love: “What makes you so angry?” Then listen carefully…you will be surprised. 2.) The facilitator or team leader calls fro a break and then asks the angry person to talk to him privately but in a non-threatening way. In this private conversation the same question is asked: “What makes you so angry?” Again, listen carefully…
The key is that the facilitator or team leader is truly detached and coming from a place of love. That requires a lot of self-mastery, the key ingredient of true leadership.
42.
July 23rd, 2007 at 3:15 pm e
Ingrid Mendoza: Many times it doesn’t have to deal with the immediate situation. There could be a mental health problem (depression, etc) that no book or sit-down intervention will solve in the long run. I’m not sure of how most companies handle it but it involves a member of leadership addressing the problem and providing the opportunity for one-on-one coaching (read: counseling).
43.
July 23rd, 2007 at 3:18 pm e
Anthony Derbyshire: This is really a very interesting subject. A part of me thinks that we live in a time where we almost don’t know how to act at work because we have become overly sensitive. I also think that we have forgotten how to confront inappropriate behavior such as bullying. Bullying, by the way, isn’t a corrolary to someone’s title. Where we work, there is a woman that I actually like quite a bit who is a receptionist. Her general demeanor is foul during the day and nobody calls her on it. I believe, in fact, that her behavior is being enabled. I spoke to the office manager who said that she is being medicated and that she gets snitty at the end of the day when the medication is wearing off.
Having said that, I also don’t think that there is anything wrong with ocassionaly getting emotional. I”m one of the most emotional people that I know. We all spend quite a bit of time together at work nowdays. I believe in keeping a professional bearing but who’s perfect? I can handle an ocassional moment of anger or frustration with me if I know we’re all trying to accomplish the same mission. What I don’t like is when it’s clearly a M.O. to influence on a constant basis or a way to deflect.
44.
July 24th, 2007 at 8:06 am e
Anthony Mantova: Give them a “little” raise and tell them they will get another (bigger) raise if they chill out.
45.
July 24th, 2007 at 8:08 am e
Robert Dolezal: Anger is the outward manifestation of the emotion of fear or sorrow. An individual that is angry is reacting in an aggresive posture because they are hurting inside and their coping mechanism has taken over. There are a number of layers to defusing anger, but recognizing that they are feeling challenged and are afraid of the outcome is a good starting point. If you peel away the anger, you’ll get frustration. Peel that away, and you’ll find hurt. Peel hurt away and you’ll find fear.
They may be reacting to a present situation in this manner because some long-ago event made them afraid–the person who kicks the dog may have been bitten by a dog as a child and been deathly afraid at that time. Now they are proactive in acting out to dogs in general.
The coach should listen to what the other people in the working group have to say about when the anger first manifested itself–you’ll usually get a specific incident before which there wasn’t anger evident. That event is the key to the fear. Once you know what the event was, you have an entry point to converse in private and learn what is driving the hostility.
46.
July 24th, 2007 at 8:14 am e
Donna MacLeod: I would agree with Sheilah and would add that they “own” the problem.
Up to 80% of people that have entered my office to discuss a mundane matter ultimately have a larger agenda. It’s a ’soft’ approach, maybe testing the waters to express a touchy issue.
Angry people aren’t a lot different. They may feel stuck in whatever their situation happens to be and the work environment offers an opportunity to criticize, critique and be angry to their greatest ability. In the end, they are typically in a poor emotional place.
An effective method is what I call a “bad news sandwich”:
(1) State the problem (2) Give positive input (3) Reframe the issue putting the onus is on them to determine a solution
The premise is ’sandwiching’ bad news with positive input. The positive allows them to ‘hear’ what you’re saying. At the same time, assure that they take the problem and solution with them, it’s theirs to own and correct. Hypothetical case:
(1) Are you aware that you are projecting anger within the team?
(2) Your contributions are wise, smart, intelligent (you choose) and your input has significant impact on others and achieving our goals -
(3) However, your talents are being wasted due to (whatever) is causing this perceived anger.
Your choice to pursue “what” or “why” – but – DO NOT let them off the hook. They own the anger – only they can resolve it.
If the person hates the job – then suggest that they move on to another.
If the person is dealing with a personal issue, then cut them some slack, work with it (you might just be shocked at the degree of what people try to handle emotionally & privately).
If they’re plain miserable – it’s probation time (probably not the first).
Bottom line – the performance is unacceptable and unprofessional.
Let’s manage it.
Another ‘fun’ example – this fellow was forever whining about his job – that he was always fighting a fire (software) – until I pointed out to him that in truth he loved “saving the day & being the hero”. What a great job! He never complained again.
47.
July 24th, 2007 at 8:16 am e
Alan Lockhart: This would be a touchy situation. A person who is continually angry is not pleasant to work around and is a constant threat to progress.
I would sacrifice a lunch hour and see if I could get them to vent. Venting is a healthy process so long as it is controlled and not allowed to let anger fester further. Thus, it is important to try to direct the direction of the discourse into positive areas. It is important when someone vents, to be empathetic and at the same time, be ready to expressing opposing views in as palatable a manner as possible and to attempt to get the person to view things in a more objective manner.
Having said that, it is hard for me to imagine there are too many people who are constantly angry that have important and influential positions in business. Success is ultimately incumbent upon being able to work with all sorts of people, being able to win people over to your point of view and knowing when to accept someone’s vision. Anger makes these things very difficult.
I’m not saying that you have to be easy to work with to succeed, just that you have to find a way to either get people behind you or to put yourself behind someone else’s vision.
48.
July 24th, 2007 at 8:17 am e
Taith Rupp: Your term of ‘always’ is a key determinant of action. I assume that steps have been taken to ameliorate their affects.
If they are a disruption–politely ask for their resignation. If they choose not to leave voluntarily, fire them.
If their departure cannot be commanded, seek a means of ‘nurturing their desire to leave’.
Employees that cause more problems than they create in value are truly a disservice to the company and their colleagues.
49.
July 24th, 2007 at 8:19 am e
John Elder: The best thing for a person who is always angry is anger management or executive coaching with a certified professional. Anger management ideally teaches an understanding of the anger process, stress management (stress lowers the anger threshold), emotional intelligence, and assertive communication. Taking it a bit further, it would also cover power dynamics and deconstruct anger in the dominant culture. Finally, it would highlight examples of effective anger, such as Gandhi, Dr. King, and Rosa Parks.
A colleague who is angry all the time will disrupt the organization and reduce competitiveness and productivity. Such a person may cause other employees to litigate due to a “hostile work environment.” It is in both the individual’s and the company’s best interest for an anger management solution – either in a class or privately, through executive coaching.
50.
July 24th, 2007 at 8:20 am e
Hari Panicker: People get angry because they feel helpless to an extreme level. How to react to this is a situational and intutive decision. First approach is trying to reach the deep core of the situation and sooth it. Swimming along with the current to cross a running river – is another method. At times, a volley of shots at double strength perfectly resolves the case!
51.
July 24th, 2007 at 7:07 pm e
Mavis Low: Get a person who is more caring to speak to him. Show care and concern towards his family, let him shared about what’s bothering him. Give him attention, ask for his opinions.
Very effective.
52.
July 24th, 2007 at 7:09 pm e
Stoney Reynolds: I would ask them why they are so angy and then help them work thru their anger issues….
53.
July 24th, 2007 at 7:10 pm e
Carlos Alberto Jayme: I participated in a very interesting course about transaction analysis (Eric Berne). Using these knowledge it is possible to understand and deal the behaviors and the “ego state” from each member of the team. I suggest strongly that you read the article in the link below
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Berne#Transactional_analysis
and try to provide a TA course for your team, mainly the angry one.
54.
July 25th, 2007 at 9:09 pm e
Lana Bila: All the time? What a nuisance.
Smack him on face, and if it doesn’t work, sack him ;o)))))))))))))))))
Seriously speaking, his behavior is unprofiessional and threatens the success of a critical mission project. He should be made aware of the impact he makes and the danger he poses, informal chat or something – to find out what’s going on, maybe he’s in some sort of trouble and needs help.
If it doesn’t work then I’d take it with formal warnings. Unless he’s desperate to loose a job, he’ll come back to senses.
55.
July 26th, 2007 at 8:47 am e
Timothy Gill: Does everyone else on the team feel this way? If so, I would come right out and address the issue with this person the next time their behavoir was being disruptive. Do this in front of the group.
Once, when I was in a college ethics class another student was being disruptive, acting like a jerk, and their argument with the teacher made no sense. The teacher was a non-confrontational man and the student took the role as alpha male and was walking on him. I stood up and told the kid to shut his mouth and let him teach the class. He did and barely talked the rest of the semester.
That is how I would handle it, but being an adult now with a little more tact.
Either your part of the problem or part of the solution….
56.
July 26th, 2007 at 11:40 am e
Eric Sohn:
First off, let’s put a few things on the table:
a) We’re not trying to fix the person, just their behavior/attitude/performance
b) This is a pattern, not a one-time or infrequent event.
c) This is a colleague and not necessarily a friend
Given those assumptions:
a) Yes, you do this in private
b) If they weren’t always this way, but became this way relatively recently, and friendly, you can say “You’ve been pretty angry recently. What’s going on?” If you’re not particularly chummy, this isn’t for a 1-to-1 between you.
c) If they mention something specific, ask if they’ve talked to the boss about it (remember, you said colleague).
d) If you’re not particularly chummy with the colleague, or if this isn’t a recent thing, go right to the boss. It’s not your business, except as to how it impacts your morale.
e) If you’re the boss, offer or request that they take the time necessary to deal with this. Make it crystal clear that this is impacting team morale and can’t stand.
I would honestly not go too far as a colleague – I’m assuming you’re not friends. Point them at the boss and, if things don’t change, talk to the boss yourself. You don’t need someone dragging down the work environment.
57.
July 26th, 2007 at 11:42 am e
John A.K. Lowe: I suggest getting professional advice and following it. You might need it later in court. There is a risk of liability issues. Although you feel the anger, you only have the right to deal with disruptive behavior, business results, and employment implications. Also, you have an obligation to protect co-workers.
58.
July 26th, 2007 at 11:43 am e
Sanjay Negi: Honestly appreciate that anger is just another way of being engaged. Complement people who are angry as they are far less disruptive than apathetic people. Angry people can stimulate creative thinking by dipping into strong emotions.
Let us agree, we want more angry people. They are so useful. We have had too many glib, tactful and politically correct imbeciles. Time we called their bluff and started applauding people who wear their emotions on their sleaves.
59.
July 30th, 2007 at 7:36 pm e
Tomas Hoffmann: This kind of people find always a reason to get angry on anyone. First of all, understand that it is not personal. They are not angry with you, they are angry with them self, with the world, their life’s. Taking this into account, the only thing you can do is show them that you care about their point.
Do not waste time arguing, because they will always find a reason to keep on fighting. Just show them that you will take into consideration what they said, and find a solution to it. This should change your client’s mood. On doing this, you may not change much on the short term, but I can bet you will build a long and efficient term relationship.
Break a leg!