Dr. Earl R. Smith II

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67 Responses to “How did you stop?”
1.
September 18th, 2007 at 10:52 am e
Pamela Hazelton – This is such an easy question, yet so difficult to answer. Self-help books, advice, etc- they all give insight, but not until I truly “felt” a certain way and “realized” the actual culprit of those feelings was I able to stop. Until then, I never understood how people just went with the flow.
I did attend therapy, but most of all I just let my own inner-self speak to me, and I listened.
2.
September 18th, 2007 at 10:55 am e
Elena Pavloff – You need to look at why you are self-sabotaging. It can happen personally and professionally because your subconscious realizes the truth about a situation that you are choosing to ignore/avoid. Once you know the reason behind your behavior you can fix it and create a better situation for yourself and those around you.
3.
September 18th, 2007 at 10:56 am e
Jane Link – I just stop doing whatever it is when I get bored with it. Boredom comes from either too much ‘head banging on wall syndrome’ (we all have our limits) or, meeting/overcoming the challenge and beginning to search for the next. (that was the answer for the external; activity based stuff).
Regarding my own self-sabotaging behaviours (internal focus stuff); I self reflect alot so become aware of my impact (on myself and others). From this, I decide whether or not to do something about the negative impact stuff. Sometimes, I put it in a box labelled “misc” and bury it amongst the other baggage – generally called experience – that I drag around with me each day. Sometimes I don’t. My decision is a delicate balance of risk v consequences v personal values v respect for “any others” v achievement of goals/ambitions. Then again, sometimes its all about instinct and intuition.
I still smoke 10-15 a day – It’s probably killing me. However, I like it.
4.
September 18th, 2007 at 10:58 am e
Robert Koblovsky – I have studied the martial arts for over thirty years. Core concepts and appraoches are designed to facilitate the learning and development process attempting to elimiate external negative factors.
Basic conepts include
“get out of your own way” – don’t become the impediment to your own success. Talks to a number of things but the most signficant is ego.
Deal with issue NOW. Delays cause stress and consequences of unresolved issues (business or in life) increases the impact over time
Breathe: We talk about breathing emotionally, psycholgically, physically and spirtually.
Look at anything, take that which is functional discregard the rest: Keep an open mind
There are many many more tools we use to focus our efforts to eliminate self made stress. At the end of the day it is about awareness. Awareness of self and awareness of our environements. There are always options.
5.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:00 am e
Oleg Shaniuk – Well, this is very cool question. The absolute answer will give the absolute power
About myself, the only way to keep running i see, this is the balance between your health, your personal life and your work. Reading the books, walking every evening for 20..30 min or sports, and, funny, writing the diary ( personal, not shared to anybody ) can clarify the problems and give some set of solutions. And keep share your experience + keep learning from other pepole… I can’t say, how my life is better, but I can say, it will newer be the same – the line is grows ( everything go better ) or line falls… Straight line means you dead…
6.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:01 am e
Claudia Del Giudice – Fear and it is the same which makes me go on
You are wrong if you do, you are wrong if you don’t and it is the same which makes me find new things.
I suggest very nice books to go beyond:
“Belief”, Robert Dilts or “The art of possibilities”
It is painful, I know: but to be able to go beyond your limitations is the best investments you can do in yourself.
Work on it: you can
7.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:02 am e
Henrik Jacobsen – I don’t know, how much this will answer the question. A first not at all, but I now believe that the negative patterns I have been in, comes fromself deception.
I read a book some time ago called “Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box” as a leadership book I am not sure if its good. Not a leader, so what do I know. But the self deception part I think is great. On many levels, we do thinks, like self-sabotaging, because of our self deception. We believe in a reality that are made up in our minds and therefor we many times don’t see that we are self-sabotaging. That’s really the biggest danger of self-sabotaging, that we don’t know we are doing it. Because how do you stop something that you don’t think is wrong. Self deception is the reason why we don’t see something is wrong, we told yourself that it´s fine. Because we closed our mind of the signals from the outside.
After reading the book, I tried to live by it. It´s not easy at first, still is not easy. Our minds are so fast, at going into the routines, of assuming.
Start with some small changes and slowly, with luck, you will enter a new world, the real world, the world not made up by our predefined rules.
But all around you, there will be people who suffer from self deception and that the biggest danger of falling back into your own world of self deception. However if you keep living outside that box, slowly other people also will. At least when it comes to dealing with you.
I am not saying I am doing this all the time, I fall in…a lot…but I am aware or try to be.
Sartre wrote:
Since the central feature of human existence is the capacity to choose in full awareness of one’s own non-being, it follows that the basic question is always whether or not I will be true to myself. Self deception invariably involves an attempt to evade responsibility for myself. If, for example, I attribute undesirable thoughts and actions to the influence upon me of the subconscious or unconscious, I have made part of myself into an “other” that I then suppose to control the real me. Thus, using psychological theory to distinguish between a “good I” and a “bad me” only serves to perpetuate my evasion of responsibility and its concomitants
8.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:03 am e
Martin Laschkolnig – actually self-sabotage is self-protection. Waaaaiiiit – I’ll explain.
I am working in the field of releasing fears and self-sabotaging behaviours and raising self-esteem. We do sabotage ourselves because in us there is a feeling that the damage will be greater than the gain.
Please understand – self-sabotage is NOT about logic or rational thinking. It is about underlying emotional issues that get in our way. Common lines of (unconscious) thought can be: “It might not be safe there – if I achieved it” / “If I achieve it – I’d need to do it again and again, and that would be such a chore” / “Mum told me, don’t stick out – and if I achieved that, everybody would look at me” / “You can’t be spiritual and successful”, etc. etc.
One has to understand, our subconscious mind is just following the habitual pattern of our thinking and/or trying to protect us from something that – in a similar fashion – was proven to be causing an emotionally stressful situation in the past and then our underlying emotions say “boy, you definitely don’t wanna go back there”. So you do everything “necessary” to keep you away from there.
One of the very best methods to deal with these underlying issues to release them and achieve absolutely new heights of performance is EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). It is a form of emotional acupuncture, but without needles. It was found that when you tune into an emotional issue, there is also always stress in the body’s meridian or energy system involved. When you relaxe the energy system by gently tapping accupuncture points on the body while you tune in to your resistance to doing xyz, the physical tension and subsequently also the emotional tension falls away.
One can beautifully use it with fears (of flying, public speaking, etc) – often in minutes and also many other issues where emotional contributors lie underneath. It is learned easily and is also very useful as a self-help tool.
It leads to emotional freedom, way more acceptance of oneself than ever before and finally also in aligning your subconscious habits with your goals and having them work for you and not against you (this is also my personal experience).
9.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:04 am e
Gursev Kalra – Getting rid of self-sabotaging very intesting
When you try to resist the habit, you are giving it more power to affect you. Dont try not to do it, try to do the good things. The self-sabotaging habits made one feel like a puppet, and everybody wants freedom
This behavior can be categorized into two forms:
1. Behavior that affects your “GOALS”.
2. Behavior that does not affect your goals
Type 1 is what you have to take care of. You will find yourself doing many of these! trust me One of the ways to correct it can be done as follows:
1. Identify all the different “bad things” you do
2. Then analyze the impact it has on you and your “GOALS”
3. Prioritize them depending on the impact.
4. Include the remedies is tasks to achieve your goal.
Make a list of all these remedies. Then try the following:
1. Imaging yourself doing the opposite. I am suggesting you to start “day dreaming” about how you will be when you get rid of this habit. Meditate on good thoughts five minutes before you sleep and “five minutes just after you wake up. This will definitely help.
2. Create index cards that summarize how you will be like when you have gotten rid of all these habits. Read the index cards to yourself 3-5 times per day.
I know these approaches look strange, but they work…
10.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:05 am e
Temara Presley – I have found that prioritizing one or two personal to do’s on a daily basis has improved my professional performance. At the end of the day I felt burdened by the abandonment of personal to do’s. Small (reasonable) requests by my family that didn’t “weigh in” compared to the critical issues of the work day. Without compromising my clients interests I clearly label what can wait until the following day. It is simple, but it does make me feel more successful. My interactions with my clients are more energetic & positive when I follow this pattern. Last minute appointments (that might mean a missed baseball game) don’t weigh me down because I’m taking the time more consistantly in other ways. I have a clear head and can better engage a client, and that improves my business. I don’t know if I would call this a total “victory”, but it has certainly been a helpful tool professionally and in a busy families life.
11.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:06 am e
Juanita McLellan – Ahhh, hmmm, good question.
My sabotaging behaviour was my attitude to money (easy-come, easy-go) and I would spend it as soon as I got it….. Never mind having a well paying job, I still had no savings!
The realisation came one day as a bolt out of the blue…. I want to go to Antarctica…. and as I have no scientific qualifications that would get me a paid job, I’d need money to get there…. (Even so, well, I didn’t immediately do anything)
Then I was challenged to find something that scared me, and take on the challenge….. and in my learning how to swim (silly I know) I realised that I just had to face money, and saving, and the future…. and now money and I have a healthy working relationship.
Why it worked, well, it was all about me, and thinking about my life in a broader sense. How is my life better, well, I am closer to my dream, and that brings inner peace.
12.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:07 am e
Kent Erickson – Very simple for me, yet very powerful. One motto to live by as a husband: “Happy life, happy wife.” She simply asked me to change so I did! Seriously though – I had to choose what kind of person I wanted to be and most of all, I realized I wanted to be a better person because the love of my life reflects that image back to me every day. She is my “north star”.
13.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:09 am e
Sheilah Etheridge – I think there are three steps to this. First you need to acknowledge you have a problem with sabotaging yourself. Next you need to determine why you are doing it, what triggers it. Then after those 2 steps are complete you can work on changing it.
14.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:10 am e
Shawn Carter – I would say that in each position you work that you get a “label” for your type of work habits. For any bad habits at each position, I tried to identify the behavior and figure out what was the successful new way to handle this. Generally, I have found this is extremely helpful except in the cases where it is a culture clash in general from your personality type.
If you’re a risk taker, don’t enter FP&A for example, since you will go insane trying to be a planner when you’re looking for new ideas constantly.
15.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:10 am e
Shaun Dakin – I started, again.
I stopped.
I started, again.
It is an ongoing battle that I face every day.
16.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:11 am e
Paul Pickard – I’ve noticed a lot of people answering with broad generalities. I’ll answer your question more specifically. My self-sabotaging behavior was an excess of passion and confidence in my own solutions. Or for those who didn’t appreciate me much, I could be arrogant, dismissive, and domineering. I never saw it as such – I always thought I was just passionately making my case for doing things the way I thought would be best. I even thought, after some heated debates/confrontations during projects early in my last “big company” job, that I had toned down my “pitch” to try to be more widely accepted and viewed as less of a maverick.
The thing that showed me my self-destructive behavior was not a thing at all, but a person. His name is Dave, and he became one of my best friends. At the time, though, he was just a colleague to whom I’d been recently introduced and with whom I had just started to work. Dave saw me “in action” shortly after we started working together, and took me aside afterwards. He took me to his office, and pulled out a letter that a supervisor had written to him 7 years before, calling him on the carpet for behavior very similar to mine. He then pointed out my behavior to me, and how what I was doing was counterproductive to what I wanted to accomplish. It was extraordinarily uncomfortable, but because he’d taken the time to show me he was concerned just as much about how my behavior was affecting me as it was the project we were working on, it hit home. Dave became my sounding board and mentor throughout the rest of our assignment together, and never was shy about pointedly (but privately) exposing work behaviors or attitudes that were less than desireable or productive.
The lessons I learned from Dave “stuck” more because of the friendship that Dave and I still share. I’m much more cognizant of what I say, and how what I say affects people that work for me and with me. That’s not to say that I don’t fall into those old patterns ever, because it still happens sometimes. But I’ve been made sensitive to those behaviors to the point where Dave doesn’t need to be around to point them out – I recognize them for myself. And despite the fact that Dave still works for my old employer and I’m working somewhere new, there’s part of me that still wants make my mentor proud.
Life is better after the “victory” (although I would say victory is a strong word – it’s more like I’ve just gained the upper hand) because I now understand there are ways to resolve a problem other than putting your shoulder down and trying to run through the brick wall. I’m less frustrated by obstacles, and when I DO choose to run through the brick wall, it’s a conscious choice rather than an instinctive reaction.
17.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:12 am e
Bèrto ‘d Sèra – My first level of analysis, when looking at myself, consists in making clear what I gain and what I loose when. Then it becomes a matter of justice. It can be theoretically nice to privilege always the long run, but if you do that you end up in having no pleasures in life (most of them are a self-sabotage for health, all of them cost money, etc). So I get to have a deal with my own self.
You never know “how it could have been” if you had taken another road/decision/deal, so there’s no pointing in asking yourself whether your life went for the better or not. It went as it went, and that’s it
The last sentece means that if you don’t like your current situation, all you have to di is change it. You can always change the future, it’s the past that is out of reach.
18.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:13 am e
Jenna Papakalos – For me, it’s all about recognizing what triggers me to behave in a negative fashion. Once I recognize these triggers, I know to stop myself before I do something I’ll regret. I can also see a situation coming that will derail me and know how to cope with it accordingly.
I do what I can and notice that my stress level has gone done somewhat. I’m a work in progress!
19.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:14 am e
Blake Ratcliff – My experience is that therapy is a valuable and necessary step. I also think conditioning is key. I realize most adults tend to view conditioning as below themselves. However, physical accountability is a powerful reinforcement.
I suggest that when you are fighting a behavior that you must work through the intellectual sources and that you will more quickly respond if you determine that should you miscue you will do push ups or run an extra mile or… The two combined accelerate performance.
Frequently, without the physical reinforcements the lessons fail to take as quickly or as effectively.
20.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:15 am e
Howard Halpern – I don’t have time to answer all your questions, but I’ll share an easy, but effective, technique I use when I want to change something. I think of it in the morning, before I have a chance to get involved in any kind of self-defeating behavior, and resolve not to do the particular kind of thing I’m trying to eliminate. If I have time, I’ll create a mental movie depicting a typical scenario and put myself in the movie doing what I think I should do, as opposed to what I usually do, so that when the movie becomes reality, I won’t fall into the usual trap.
I do other, similar things. The above is just an example. This technique works when the person is willing to make a sacrifice in order to make change. Without willingness to sacrifice, the whole idea of improving oneself is mere self-delusion. Unfortunately, most resolutions people make come at New Year’s and are treated as jokes; there is rarely the expectation that people will follow through on them; and for this reason, they remain mere resolutions, unsupported by effort and relegated to the waste-basket of human development.
21.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:16 am e
Ian Harvey – I found something that engaged me….working for myself.
I staged “an incident” at an inter department meeting prompting a meeting with my uber boss. I said I wanted out but realizing that there were a lot of things that needed my unique skills I would stay until a specific date.
We worked it out. I got everything I wanted and more, had arranged to go back to “school” – a mid career break at the Canadian Film Centre’s Media programme and then five months later started freelancing and have never looked back.
Four years later I make money in my bathrobe and have tax writer offs salary slaves only dream of.
22.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:17 am e
Kathleen Bernard – How did I stop? This is a good story. When I was younger, fresh out with a B.S. I wanted more of everything, promotion, recognition, and travel. I got my MBA and finally received the job and title of the job of success. I had let my marriage drift; put a hole in my stomach, the joints in my ankles started to break down and I developed constant pain to the entire right side of my body. I was the most miserable I had ever had been in my life. I had to stop or else.
Two years ago, I went back to what I enjoyed (analyst work) with a small company. I am not looking for promotions anymore. I am now looking for knowledge and challenge and although this job does not stretch my skill set it is a fun job most of the time. I am using the time to heal my body, and once I am ready will go and look for a job that stretches my skills and is still fun. My husband and I are closer than ever and my body reminds me everyday that I measure success with knowledge and skills not with titles or promotions.
23.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:18 am e
Gary Pressel – Most of my life I had a very negative self-image. I was not a bad person, just a worthless person. About a year ago I was in a Bible study class and got hit between the eyes with the fact that God loves me. I have been a Christian almost all of my life, with my college years being the exception. I knew God loved the world, but I was the exception that was unlovable. Always believed in a god but last year I discovered God truely loves me as an individual. From that point in time onward it has been extremely exciting watching myself grow.
24.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:19 am e
John Lyle – I think the major question with this is finding out the root of the problem. You are combating symptoms and not going after the reason why you are doing the things you are doing. It is a unconcious decision that you are making and you need to be more aware of your situation, your self esteem, and your needs, or else you will never be able to truly be happy and healthy.
25.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:20 am e
Christopher Sorge – Personally, my faith has helped me tremendously in overcoming struggles.
26.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:22 am e
Jonathan W. Logan – I decided to focus on exactly what I wanted to create, experience and enjoy. Once I had a clear and crisp awareness of that, I made several picture laden, sensory rich, emotive scripts of my true/future goal, and several quick NLP style triggers.
Working with these for 3 months, my behaviors and experience transmuted into the real goal I wanted.
27.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:22 am e
David Wright – Until recently I though I understood why I do what I do. I was fortunate to take a negotiation subject with a Dr Jim Lewis (RMIT University – Australia).
If there was one thing he tried to impress on me was the need to reflect over all situations, bith negative and positive be brutally honest. We often try to convince ourselves, I did it because ….. and that’s okay because…. It is really scary to analyse the real feelings that we had at that time and break it down to simple motives. Often it results in us admitting, I did it because I felt scared and didn’t want the other side to get the advantage, hence I bullied, dominated, etc to get my own way.
It was a challenging but liberating experience to try to understand what I felt when I was active in the self-sabotaging behaviour. It seems often that our emotion and habits drive what we are; I believe understanding the emotions that we experience whilst engaging in counterproductive behaviour through active reflection will present the solution to overcoming or changing the way we do things.
28.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:23 am e
Larry Wapnitsky – What worked for me was a combination of things:
* Find a good therapist. Make sure you like him/her. For me, it was someone whose attitude in life was completely opposite from mine. This really helped me see the other side of things
* Support – my wife, her family, my relatives and friends were there when I needed them. Make sure not to abuse the privilege they provide to you, but at the same time, ensure they are part of your support system.
* “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz – I keep going back to this book (recommended by my therapist) every few months. It really keeps me on track.
* Re-invent yourself but don’t re-invent the wheel – To me, this means to start from scratch on who you are without losing your core beliefs and strengths, but remembering all the time what your weaknesses are and how they’ll affect you.
At this time in my life, I truly feel better than I ever have (and no meds were necessary).
29.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:24 am e
G. Christian Conran – I second Amanda’s book choice “What Got you Here Won’t Get You There” by Marshall Goldsmith. All in all, it’s an excellent read, and covers many basic but crucial points about interactions in the workplace and possible deficiencies that point to one’s own actions. It may well become one of our required readings for employment at my company,
30.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:26 am e
Les Martin – As a real estate agent I was my own worst enemy.
I went into it thinking that I had all this time to myself and that it would be easy to make sales. When I had sales it was great but when I stopped making sales I stopped rewarding myself, I stopped believing that there were prospects, and stopped looking. I was always second guessing my strengths, and before I knew it I was out of the business and I wasn’t doing much of anything. That’s when I noticed that my behaviors were self sabotaging and very negative.
Now that I have turned my attitude around and I am in a new industry I am finding that one of my favorite people to consult with are Realtors, and that I don’t need to consult with everyone all the time or every Realtor. I just need to make a connection.
What I learned from my real estate experience was that prospects need attention and need a reason to come back to you.
I accepted that everyone has a choice in choosing my service or product, and in order for me to deal with rejection from them I needed to care about there needs but move on and find new prospects before I got a yes or no from them.
Working with Super Incentives has helped me realize that there are tons of prospective clients and that I don’t need to consult with all of them just the nice ones. Having this attitude has helped me move on and be patient until they make a decision or I find a new client.
Now I reward myself when I execute a plan instead of when it works. I use positive affirmations and this makes a difference in my day.
The last lesson I have implemented for myself has been to not work so hard, and have fun as much as I can. Plus my wife likes this too.
31.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:27 am e
Saira Kashif – Hope it works for you because it did for me.
Rest assured that the best help is self help coz no one knows you better than yourself. so, just sit back , take a deep breath and relax. then, try to discover the the deep down instincts !! telling you exactly what to do ,when to do and how to do it? but keeping in mind ‘ JUST BE YOURSELF” “Be positive”and “What makes you feel better”!
32.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:27 am e
Rosanna Y. de la Cruz – Again, easy question, hard to answer! For me, the behavior has lessened (but not disappeared!) as I have seen it affect my bottom line, my client’s priorities and ultimately, the impression on the other side, the receiving end. I ultimately want to leave a positive lasting impression with my clients, hiring managers, friends, etc. and sometimes “my stuff” has gotten in the way. The key, in my case, has been how much I really care about changing it and truly acting on that self awareness, immediately. For a simple, silly prompt, leave your self notes on your desk about it, stuff like “Don’t do it!” “Run away from the urge” “Save yourself from SHAME” and the like, have really helped me. Ultimately, all you can do is your very best. Good luck!!!!!!!!
33.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:28 am e
JP Hochbaum – I’ve taught myself self-hypnosis. It is wonderful in trying to stop anything. It also improves sleep patterns and creates a higher sense of awareness. It’s basically a form of meditation but it can be done right before you go to bed.
34.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:29 am e
Tacy Traverso J – I became aware of the behavior after lots of therapy. It was obvious that I was my worst enemy and that when I put my mind to activities, I accomplished them. Sometimes, however, fear gets the best of us and these are the times when I self-destructed.
The solution was simple: confidence.
I do deserve success and happiness and life is simpler with positivity then with negativity. It’s EASY to be happy; being miserable takes work and effort.
Thus, it was a personal choice to not suffer any longer. Nothing can bring you to that level except yourself and your thoughts. You really are what you think. You really do get whatever you want. You really can be it all.
- from a happy person playing a fun game of life
35.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:30 am e
Tom Field – For me, the issues was intended behavior vs. perceptions. Until confronted by them, I had no idea how different people’s perceptions of me and my behavior were from my sincere intentions.
Since becoming aware of this disconnect, I’ve worked hard on my communication — verbal and nonverbal — to ensure that the signals people receive more closely match the ones I mean to broadcast!
And what a difference that’s made in my office relationships.
36.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:31 am e
Amanda Pepper – I read a book called, “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There.” It helped me understand why I wasn’t progressing in my career the way I thought I should be. I quit putting all the blame on “them” and began to understand what kinds of behaviors I was engaging in that were self-sabotaging. This new self-awareness has been extremely helpful in getting me back on track. It has helped me shed past grudges and move forward–in life and in my career. It also helped me to realize that you don’t always want the things you think you want. . . Or the things people expect you *should* want.
37.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:32 am e
Don Dia – I am still struggling. My solution sounds corny, but I repeat positive things in my head over and over again and I always tell myself that only I can help myself. Arg. I’m saying it now…
38.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:33 am e
Ian Shiff – Moving on is the best way. Take a deep look at the behavior itself and try advancing past the issue you are struggling to overcome. From a personal note, I realized that complaining was only hindering the problem. I looked at the issue, realized if I spent an entire day without complaining about the problem once, and just worked it out… it would be easy. My test worked, and I overcame the obstacle with minimal stress. I can’t spend time worrying about things I have no control over, but I CAN figure out how to control the environment I live in, making my life easier.
39.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:34 am e
Ron Hurst – the most important aspect in addressing such behaviors is first recognizing that you are doing them in the first place. Awareness in this case is critical. Once you know what your own self sabotaging tendencies are you can choose differently.
One of mine is procrastinating the activities I don’t enjoy . I resolved that when I recognize myself doing this, I make a decision to get the activity done on the spot. Do not put it off for a second that way it is done out of the way and I can get on with other more enjoyable activities. This has helped me substantially to improve my performance.
40.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:35 am e
Qayed Shareef – I stopped drinking 3 years ago partly because I got a DUI and also because I realized that it was against my best interests in life.
I can remember being more focused on my personal and professional life. I became more religious.
I have experienced the most amount success as I have gradually distanced myself from my the “Party Lifestyle”
I leveraged my religion to overcome my drinking and partying habits.
The thought of drinking does not even occur to me anymore.
41.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:36 am e
Muthaiya Nallalam Parasuraman – In my opinion , The best way to stop self-sabotaging is to follow the policy of alcoholic anonymous .. ‘One day at a time’. Its works well atleast for me .. The power in this method is , it directly our own ego . Its very sad to agree that we cannot control that habbit.
An alcoholic has to agree that he cannot control that habbit , to have to best change of getting out.
In the above sentence , replace alcoholic with your bad bad thingss )
Trust me this works . Welcome to the losers club
42.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:37 am e
Daniel Tonetti – I believe the secret behind success is the answer to your question. Once you understand that happiness is the secret. Work in order to be happy. Enjoy your life in order to be happy. Put minor problems behind in order to be happy. Put the major problems behind in order to be happy. And then… you engage on a virtous-cycle that fights the self sabotaging vicious-cycle…
43.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:38 am e
Mitch Krayton – Here is what has worked for me…
When I realized the net gain for my energies was less than I put in, I realized, or people near to me realized, something needs to be changed, then I needed to change it because the pain was too great.
Inertia is a hard force to stop. Sometimes you can glide to stop. Sometimes you hit a wall.
I find that when I have a challenging event/mission/goal to refocus my energies, I can redirect my activities to the new and productive purpose. I don’t have time for other behaviors. If my services are needed, it is off to the bat cave and I can do anything.
The greater challenge is to keep my calendar filled with these productive activities so that I don’t have the idle time to relapse into non-productive behaviors.
44.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:43 pm e
Jonathan Langley – Earl, I think you struck a chord with this question – I’ve never seen this many responses to a quesion!!! And I’ll still put my two cents in!
My story includes a lot of very small decisions. Bad decisions made over and over through time. I repeated my own self-sabotaging behavior until someone pointed out the repercussions. I had never realized the extent of my downward spiral until the people around me started showing me how much it was costing me – not monetarily – directionally, mentally, emotionally, relationally, etc.
Realizing that I was my own enemy was devastating. How could I come up with a solution if I was also the source of my destruction? I think we all agree that is a very depressing day.
The only thing that helped me to part the clouds was a turning-point conversation with a friend, and the realization that I would rather die than continue in my current state. So every day after waking up, I sat on the edge of my bed and repeated to myself how I wanted to live and why I wanted to live that way. Then as the day progressed and I faced different situations, I would refer to my decision earlier in the day and stick with it. Friends were also essential in holding me to my course.
And then the clouds broke, and I actually started to enjoy life again. And I started to set direction. And every day was so much better… and most important to me, I was able to form and enjoy meaningful relationships.
And though its not politically correct to say it, I have to attribute so much of that victory and my current happiness to God’s kindness. He is my answer. I don’t mean that in a preachy way, but simply to tell my story.
45.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:44 pm e
Ray Robichaud – My thoughts are that the self-sabotaging behavior is part of our personal growth process. We “see” it when we are ready to grow. I know this sounds a bit esotheric, but it’s been my observation about myself and my environment. It appears that we observe this pattern more when we finally observe ourselves… when we observe our life… and start to realize that there is a pattern in what seems to be total chaos.
The book that made me realize this was “Strategy of the Dolphin: Scoring a Win in a Chaotic World” by Dudley Lynch. It would be way too long to describe how I became aware of the behavior… Let’s just say that I though life was controlling me, or rather, that I had no control over my life.. Looking back, it was the best thing that happened to me ;o)
What was it like? It was unbelievable.. Why would I be sabotaging my own life??? Well.. looking back (and I keep looking back), the best answer would be that it was a self protection based on fears. A way to avoid overcoming those fears.
Decide to overcome it? It wasn’t necessarily by choice… or rather, it was more like a do or don’t situation…Once you overcome that situation, and look back, you realize that it (fears) were not that bad after all. Eventually, you know when you reached your limit and that it can be overcome, so you plow through it. The decision is simple, you ask yourself, do you want to remain stagnant at this level, or do you want to move on in life…
What tried and didn’t work? Opening up to certain people.. I would classify them as esotheric ;o) People are people, there’s no “better” or “worse” people. However, there are people who love to manipulate others.. The best way is to ignore them.
What worked? patience.. and understand one’s own limits.. and not judging ourself. Then taking “baby steps” in a direction out of that behavior. It worked because the solution was taken one step at a time, but solid steps.. It doesn’t happen instantly..
Life after victory? Well, there no comparison. It’s way better. However, I do tend to look bad and wonder why it took so long to make the first step..
46.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:45 pm e
Ian Fountain – I left the company! I worked with a manager who began by supporting the needs of the department, and supported (even if under a tight budget) the needs for the department to make things meet the goals.
Unfortunately, he lost his way and I became very de-focused and almost negative. On realising this, I made proposal after proposal to get things back on line. After 2 years of trying, I simply left the company.
Moved to a new one with a different focus and things are back on track
47.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:46 pm e
Sharath M – In my opinion, self-sabotaging behavior shows itself when parts of your life, that you took for granted or under control start to fall apart. That is when you realize that things are on a downward spiral.
How do you overcome this? That is purely subjective I feel. People get motivated differently, for some it is financial security, for others it maybe a sense of belonging in the society or any other reason.
The important thing is that a person realizes the act of self-sabotage. Once a person has it in him/her to identify this then a solution can be worked out.
I think René Descartes said it best “I think therefore I Am”.
48.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:47 pm e
Geraldine Gately – I stay away from any negative energy which may include people and/or places … the more I surround myself with positive energy the more I feel great about who I am and what I bring to the universe. I also help people through Feng Shui also writing in my journal each day keeps me focused on the positive the more I own up to who I am the more clarity I get about moving forward in the right direction for me.
49.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:48 pm e
Steven Wong – It started when I realized that my friends feared me. I broke contact with all of them, and spent a lot of time thinking, analyzing myself.
I realized what caused it, and knew that it was a sin against my friends, and God. After that, I just gave it up, avoiding the same situation, and activly working against it by providing for others.
to answer the questions in order:
How did you become aware of a self-sabotaging behavior?
My friends called the cops on me (shortly after the Columbine school shooting, they were really scared)
What was it like to realize that you were sabotaging your own interests?
Not only a shock, but a realization that I needed to stop and fix something, and really fast.
What made you decide to ‘take it on’ and try to overcome it?
Having a police officer stop by your house has a really amazing message
What did you try that didn’t work?
Simply trying to change myself, and avoiding those I formerly trusted
What worked?
Prayer, requesting forgiveness from God and my friends, and then separation from my friends to concentrate on who I was and what I needed to change outwardly to avoid the same
Why do you think it worked?
God can do anything with a willing heart. I do not think I could have fixed myself on my own, no matter how much therapy I went through. I did not even consult my pastor, parents, nor friends.
How is your life better after the ‘victory’?
I have felt peace in the same situations that I used to feel upset and angry. I can objectively analyze a situation now, and work towards the best for all involved (mostly others. I’m good myself).
50.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:49 pm e
Aaron Slavik – The first step toward recovery (after you admit to having a problem) is to begin to understand you aren’t a defective person. I was struggling from addiction and it almost destroyed my life. I was hiding it from all of my family, friends, church, etc. It consumed me. I got caught by someone very close to me and he persuaded me to come clean to my wife and start going to a support group. It came down to the fact that I had a part of me that believed I was a defective person. Through that group I came to realize that I have flaws but I’m still a good person and I don’t need to medicate myself to reach euphoria. Euphoria doesn’t exist. I’m a child of God and that is all that matters.
51.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:51 pm e
Hans Dekker – In my experience is almost impossible to correct the habbitual mistakes your mind makes over and over again. A bevavior pattern will always “fight for its survival”. Usually a nice oscilating push pull behaviour will emerge. (I grow fat –> pain increases. and will increase untill a treshold is reached. Then we stop. loose weight, pain decreases and the pressure eases of. The results is a swing to the other side. Increase food intake, gain weight, pain increases…. over and over again.) From my experience the only way effectively deal with these situations is to “accept both sides” of the seeming problem. In AA the say admitted that we were powerless….. in step 1. When you can detach the emotional burden that way room for effective change occurs. It is completely contradictory to all our “free will and responsibility” beliefs. But the only real lasting changes I have made in my life and the ones I have seen in others stem from that paraddox. And we hate it. Stop fighting never… And we are stuck.
We can try to change the course of a river with artificial means, but they will allways were out. The only surefire solution is to change the bedding….
52.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:51 pm e
Keith Moody – Well to be specific – I became aware of the self-sabotaging behaviour when I started to not only lose clients but lost all interest in the fact I was losing them and started looking for someone else to blame for it…including the clients themselves.
As you may have realized from my first response to one of your questions, I was also the consultant type you referred to…caucasian, (ok-not exactly in the mid-30s to early 50s range, actually slightly younger – well, when I started that was…!), self-employed and small company (i.e. sole proprietor – I literally did everything including being an expert on everyone else’s problems – but clearly not my own).
To be honest it was scary (VERY) but also liberating (humbling) from the point of view that it brought me in closer relationship to myself, made me know more about who I was and what made me tick and that I had really been taking on far too much that was really above and beyond either my actual responsibility or business/interest – in short I had moved on and that I was in need of other things in and out of life.
But basically it was God telling me that it was time for me to really change and accept in perfect humility that I was not the one in charge of everything – He was and is…! And I needed to get back on track.
What made me take it on – a mortgage with a very depleted bank account was the very visible motivation that something really had to change – God certainly got my attention that way!!! I knew the damage it was doing to me and to my wife. What didn’t work was thinking it was a passing phase and I could handle it all by myself – i.e. I just needed a big juicy project…in reality I had really lost all motivation in my area of work. What worked – giving it to God, who then got me to listen to my wife. Why did it work – because God was in it and He knew what I needed – i.e. to see the possibility of other things other than what I was then doing, and because I trusted in Him completely that He knew what I needed more than I did.
What’s better – To truly answer this part of it would be a much longer email!!! In short, I have moved out of the type of work that I was previously doing – more into what I was hoping to be doing, I am a father, I am better paid, in a bigger home and I have less but larger projects, I am getting more focused in my work and my approach to it, and God is right in the centre of my life. I know I can turn to Him to help me before I really need it and that He is watching out for me. Like some other responses, I am still going through the victory and being taught by it every now and then – actually every day. I am learning to take things more slowly and pay attention to the value of the other things of life and getting things done right.
53.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:52 pm e
Rick Monihan – It took a long time, but two things that I used to do were to engage in negative commentary on other individuals and to provide an answer or comment to everything I was involved in.
I felt that honesty and truth were very important, much more important than diplomacy and adhering to the “bigger picture”. I know I was right, and I still believe I was right. But it was really dragging me down.
Then I started paying attention to how I spoke about people and took the old “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it” approach to heart. If someone rubbed my the wrong way, I just never commented on them, or changed the subject. When I had something to say about people, I tried very hard to make it as positive as possible. That way, I stayed true to honesty, but without sticking my neck out and burning a bridge.
As for commentary and opinion, I scaled that back dramatically because it never really helped, anyway. When I was right, nobody cared or wanted to know…and I still would take the blame since management never does. When I was wrong, even if I admitted it, it didn’t matter. I became persona non-grata. As a result, I tuned down my message and did my best to adhere to “management dictate”, but endeavored to put my own spin on it and make it as positive as possible, even in the most difficult of situations.
I don’t believe an overly positive and optimistic outlook is healthy. Pollyannas are wrong far more often than naysayers. However, Colin Powell says “Optimism is a force multiplier” and I believe that to be true. An optimistic approach to things will always improve a situation, as opposed to resignation and acceptance of an inevitably bad end. If you approach an inevitable outcome positively and optimistically, you can blunt its effect, or create a good situation to come out of it for yourself.
Is my life better since making these adjustments? Career-wise – no. There are still people in the world who remember who I was, as opposed to who I am. In addition, let’s face it, there’s still alot of people who don’t know what they are doing in management positions.
However, it has improved my lifestyle. I don’t dread going into anyplace I work because I know I can make it a better place, regardless of what is going on.
54.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:53 pm e
Genevieve Hokanson – Have you ever read “The Slight Edge”? This book helped open my eyes to that very fact — I was doing seemingly insignificant things to sabotage my own life and self worth. So instead, I now do seemingly insignificant things that are easy to do — and just as easy not to do — in order to help with that.
A few of those include:
1) Read at least 15 pages a day of positive growth or business oriented books that help me grow personally and professionally.
2) Listen to at least 1 positive CD per day, usually more than that since I’m in the car a lot and have quite a bit of windshield time.
3) Turn off the TV and instead spend TIME with the people I care about either in person or on the phone every day.
4) Talk to at least one person I appreciate every month and let them KNOW that I appreciate them, and why.
5) Write down positive affirmations that I repeat every single day for at least 3 minutes. These help me change my self-talk, which tends to be more negative than positive.
So, what has happened so far? Well, remember these are small, seemingly insignificant things that are easy to do and easy not to do. The results aren’t dramatic, but I know they will be long lasting and gradually build over time. If you haven’t read the book, you may not understand that concept, but it is sort of like a get-rich scheme. Do you want to get rich fast and not have an ongoing source of income? Or how about build it slow to a place where you have an income for the rest of your life that you don’t have to worry about? These is much the same.
Anyway, read the book. It certainly opened my eyes. My life is changing for the better every single day.
55.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:54 pm e
Frank Settineri – I was able to stop my self-sabotaging behaviors in my early twenties because I found something about which I was passionate. At the time I was a student teacher and had to teach a module on microbiology. I never had a course in it but was so fascinated by it that I decided to pursue my graduate degree and wound up practicing it in industry for many, many years.
Interestingly the passion waned after twenty years and was replaced by another passion – teaching companies that treating people decently is the best road to lasting success. Early on in my career I was placed into situations where I acted as an intermediary between various parties and although I didn’t like it and no one else wanted to do it, I had a real knack for doing it successfully. Over the years it grew into a passion and I now use it to guide me on a daily basis.
In essence, for me I was able to stop self-sabotaging behaviors by finding my passion and pursuing it.
56.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:56 pm e
James Penman – In context to my career, I became aware that self-limiting behaviors started when the fun stopped. When I lost passion for a job or a company or an area of expertise, then my focus diminished. When the focus diminished, my performance followed. The cure was to changed the work. I changed the work by finding a new challenge. The new challenge was a new job or new company or new area to gain expertise. My rule personal rule is now: When no longer having fun, then move to new fun.
57.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:57 pm e
Thamir Ghaslan – I’ll try to generalize as many behaviors as possible in my answers and not be specific.
How did you become aware of a self-sabotaging behavior?
When the loss is greater than the gain.
What was it like to realize that you were sabotaging your own interests?
Emotionally indifferent, logically try to make a change.
What made you decide to ‘take it on’ and try to overcome it?
When I want to make a gain and eliminate the loss.
What did you try that didn’t work?
Usually when I rely on other people.
What worked?
When I rely on myself.
Why do you think it worked?
Because once I focus on a goal, I make plans to reach it.
How is your life better after the ‘victory’?
I wont stop there, I’d push myself to higher victories.
58.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:59 pm e
Alex Isidoro – Ancient question, eternal answer: Faith – you can’t do it alone. Faith will erase fear, then bring peace, then joy. “Ora et Labora” (Pray and work) … and listen.
59.
September 20th, 2007 at 10:00 pm e
Scott Birkhead – I’ve been trying good old Maxwell Maltz (PsychoCybernetics) and trying to learn some of his techniques, many of which are listed in the answers above – self image, visualization, self-healing rituals, understanding the emotional issues vs. the rational ones in our self-defeating behavior.
Overall I like his basic premise – that each of us has much more God-given potential than we utilize, and that all of us can expand our utilization and satisfaction from life when we learn to see ourselves differently, factually, instead of through the lenses of our childhoods, our last life-altering disaster (or success).
I’m coming to see myself like a baseball pitcher. I get on the mound, I see the situation, I throw. Regardless of the outcome, I have to throw some more next inning or next game, so anything I can do to increase my skills, reduce the impact of my own emotions and fears, and have a little fun with the people I’m playing with is good!
60.
September 20th, 2007 at 10:01 pm e
Jodi Blackley – As a therapist, what I experience first-hand through my clients is even awareness in itself isn’t enough to overcome the self-sabotaging behavior, but it is 50% of the battle. Too many people don’t even realize they are engaged in an ongoing self-sabotaging behavior until they literally hit that proverbial “rock bottom.”
So when do clients change? Once they are aware of the behavior, the purpose of the behavior, how they benefit from the behavior (even if the benefit appears contradictory) and then finally, the conscious decision to end the behavior and work day-by-day to overcome this behavior.
What I see when clients “beat” the behavior is a new-gained feeling of self-control, the ability to choose to engage as they wish (rather than reacting instinctively), and a sense of freedom. As a therapist, it’s a great feeling to see clients make it to this new level of awareness.
61.
September 20th, 2007 at 10:02 pm e
Jeff Wright – Have you ever looked back and though you’d like a day to do over again? Or a decision? Or a span of your life?
Imagine it is tomorrow, and you can go back and do today over however you want to. What would you do different? It’s a lot harder to self-sabotage during a do-over.
Or take a longer view. Five years from now, what will you wish you had done differently with this part of your life. Do it.
And also, the best self-help book ever written, bar none: Dr. Seuss, “Oh the Places You’ll Go.” If you haven’t read it, buy it. I don’t care how old you are.
62.
September 20th, 2007 at 10:03 pm e
Tim Warneka – My own self-sabotaging behaviors are most often discovered in relationship with others … my spouse, colleagues, students, etc. These same behaviors are (again) most often changed in relationships … with coaches, therapists, Aikido instructors, etc.
What made me decide to “take on” the problem? Because self-sabotaging behavior is rarely a helpful quality for long-term success.
How is my life better after the ‘victory’? Improving myself leaves me better able to see more subtle ways that I sabotage myself in the future!
63.
September 20th, 2007 at 10:03 pm e
Grahame Benson – Once I realised that the amount of pent up energy/anger/frustration going in to “battle” would be better served developing myself and the business I supported through my role I changed immediately.
The change was also supported by a maturity which previously wasn’t there and I had a “tipping point” moment which turned me from working like a fool to working hard but it not being the be-all and end-all of my existence.
The above comments brought about a marked improvement that people who knew me well saw me chilling out more and more each time they saw me, to the point now that I spend my time making sensible decisions no matter how disastrous the situation I am dealing with might be in a far more controlled but relaxed manner. This obviosuly encourages people to then share their issues too, rather than burying them!
64.
September 20th, 2007 at 10:05 pm e
Susan Meyer – This may sound like an overly simple response, but both of these techniques have worked well for me and for my clients. I find that something silly often is the best response to self-sabotaging behavior and that almost anything that inserts a STOP! between thought and action (otherwise known as a pause for reflection) works well.
The first technique is one I learned from a chronically under-employed, self-sabotaging actor. He took what he called “obesssion breaks.” He would set a timer for 5 minutes and allow himself to wallow in self-pity, negative thinking, what-ifs and catastrophizing until the timer went off. Then he’s move on to other activities. People who have tried this report that the whole activity becomes sillier and sillier over time. Well before the timer sounds, they’re laughing too hard to continue.
The second technique is one I learned from Dr. Murph, an extrordinary business coach. I simply ask clients who are beating themselves up to give me the stick for a week. Sometimes it takes several weeks. Sometimes I will send email reminders that I have the stick, so they can’t beat themselves up. Most often, they remember that I have the stick and they substitute more positive behaviors.
65.
September 20th, 2007 at 10:06 pm e
Eric Mortensen – The only way that I have been able to overcome self-sabatoging behavior is to remove those things (temporary or perminatly) that are preventing me from reaching my goals.
An example of this on how I became an Eagle Scout. One of my goals in the scouting program was to become an Eagle Scout. But, when I hit 16, while I had made enough progress to become a Life Scout, I realized that unless I made some changes in my priorities in life, that I would not be able to reach this goal.
So, what I did, is I decided to stop playing War-Games (something that I loved doing at the time) until I had earned my Eagle. This was a big sacrifice for me but I held true to this plan and I was able to become an Eagle Scout before I hit the age of 17.
In reflecting on this story, I realized that there are things in my life that I should apply this same principle to in order to achieve other goals that I have. Doing so would help me more quickly achieve this goals.
66.
September 20th, 2007 at 10:07 pm e
Surendra Bhatia – i do analyse on the following matrix:
i know, you don’t know…..my dark zone….share with others or not…a personal choice.
i don’t know, you know….my blind zone…be open to feedback…tremendous opportunity to improve ..ongoing
i know, you know……friends, enjoy together ! have fun….
i don’t know, you don’t know…..”?”
67.
September 20th, 2007 at 10:08 pm e
Stacey Pandeloglou – I have recently discovered EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique – and it is helping me with my everyday struggles. More information can be found at http://www.emofree.com.