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Dr. Earl R. Smith II
Managing Partner, The Federal Circle
DrSmith@Dr-Smith.com
Dr-Smith.com
This article has its roots in a chance conversation with an old friend. He shook his head and wondered why one of his employees kept acting in ways that sabotaged his own interests. It got me to wondering – then asking – then asking some more. This is a journey inward as much as outward. After all, none of us are exempt from being human.
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I’ve been a student of human behavior for at least four decades. During that time I’ve become fascinated by behaviors which people adopt and which are self-sabotaging. Over the years I have developed a list of these behaviors which I used to keep track of the tendencies of people that I met. [Have you noticed that there seem to be a lot more self-sabotaging in the world? I have.] I recently began to suspect that the percentage in American society was shifting even more towards the negative tendencies. My natural curiosity – as well as my damaged sense of national pride – led me to do a bit of research.
In my advisory work I teach clients to open files on each person they meet and keep a record of their experiences with them. This keeps them from wasting time with non-productive relationships. Recently I have received a number of requests for some sort of organized presentation of the system. [There were it seems other people who were having the same experiences] I set about to formalize the list and provide a guide for using it. I even developed a ‘point system’ that seems to work remarkably well. [Everybody starts out with a hundred points. Points are deducted for each transgression.] I came up with eleven habits of self-sabotaging people. Here is the list:
1. They Are Late: I consider this unthinking treatment of others (and me in particular) to be one of the seminal indicators of a lack of respect. Being on time is one of the easiest ways to indicate to a person that their time and the potential relationship are important to you. It is also one of the easiest compliments to pay. You simply arrive on schedule.
Self-sabotaging people are almost always late for meetings. Somehow they don’t seem to recognize the incredibly insulting nature of this behavior. “Your time is so unimportant that I do not need to conserve it. You will see me when I get there. Until then, you wait!” seems to be the prevailing attitude. This, of course, quickly translates into “You are barely worth my time and should be happy that I showed up at all.”
When confronted with the insulting nature of this behavior these people usually come up with something like “I am sorry. My schedule always seems to get out of control. I am a victim of my own celebrity.” This replaces one insult with another – “You are not worth it” becomes “You are the true victim of my incompetency. It is your burden to bear.” Of course you are then asked to believe that they are going to prove completely competent in other, more demanding areas. [Give me a break - minus ten points]
2. They Are Unprepared: I am constantly amazed at how little time self-sabotaging people spend preparing for meetings. As a matter of course, I prepare as if the individual that I am meeting is important and the matters we are going to discuss have substance.
My company’s website provides a lot of information about my interests, core competencies and projects. We do that for a reason – so that people can go there and find out about us. I also publish a lot of articles on various subjects – again to help people know what my interests are and identify possible common interest. We go to a lot of effort to make that information available. So what does it say about a person when they come to an initial meeting without spending any significant time on the website? In other words, they are winging it!
Most often I have spent a fair amount of time on their site (including printing out selected portions to use at the meeting). Pages will have highlighted areas where I want clarification or additional information. I spend time going over things that either interested or confused me. Self-sabotaging people are generally not even conscious of the difference in our preparation levels. [Minus ten points]
3. They Are Unfocused: I get to a meeting and quickly discover that the other person has not thought through why he was interested in meeting with me. I remember meeting with a guy who had asked me to advise him on a new career direction. We set up a session to which he arrived late. [Minus ten points – I was doing him a favor and he returned it by insulting me] When we finally settled down and my temper came back under control, I asked him what he wanted to do – what direction he was considering. “I really don’t know,” was the reply “I’ve just started thinking about it.” I paid the check and left Bo Peep to find his sheep. [Minus twenty points – a double!]
4. They Are Superficial: “I just wanted to meet with you to see if you could help me get business.” Wow, I love this one. When the hell did I become your business development department – and, if I understand you correctly, an unpaid one at that? Give me a break. And if you really want to bring the conversation to a complete halt, ask “what’s the quid pro quo”. Usually the response is something like “Well, I’d be happy to pay you a finder’s fee if I do get business from one of your introductions.” Sure, I’m likely to risk the time and reputation of one of my valued contact by introducing them to someone who is intent on wasting my time! [Minus ten points]
One more out of this particular barrel – I get a call from a person who has linked up with me through Linked In. She is traveling to the DC area and would like to explore a ‘possible common interest’. She is very expansive in her vision of a possible common project. Some of what she says makes some sense. So we schedule a dinner. As the dinner starts it quickly becomes clear that she has read some crap by some networking guru that told her ‘never to eat alone’. So she cooked up a shallow-water rationale. The meeting was totally unproductive – a complete waste of my time – but she did get to fulfill the author’s proscription. Another friend of mine was subjected to exactly the same treatment by this person during the same visit to the area. [Minus twenty points – another double!]
5. They Are Uninformed: I work in a number of fairly focused spaces. I have accumulated quite a bit of knowledge, experience and some wisdom in those areas. So I am always a bit shocked when I am subjected to a monologue by somebody who clearly does not know what they are talking about. The oldest wisdom is that ‘knowing what you don’t know is far more important than knowing what you do.’ But these people don’t seem to have a clue. They prattle on and I glaze over. Maybe the time will go faster if I can fall asleep! Private ignorance is your own business but public ignorance is offensive to the people who are forced to sit through its display. [Minus ten points]
There is one variation of this tendency which I find particularly offensive. I have had people brazenly disrespect people that I know well – and that they know I know well. When I ask about their relationship it becomes clear that they don’t know the person they are disparaging. What’s the point? Does this self-sabotaging person really believe that I will cast aside a deeper relationship and disown a friend because of their uninformed and self destructive behavior? What to they think I am going to think of them because of this? People who are convinced that ignorance is their best side are such a pain. [Minus ten points]
6. They Are Unaware: I call these people the situationally challenged. They don’t seem to have any understanding of what a particular venue or occasion calls for. They plow on with their droning pitch oblivious of what is going on around them or the reactions of the people who are being forced to listen. The rest of the world seems to disappear for these people and, if I am not the focus of their monologue, that includes me. I am nobody’s nobody! [Minus ten points]
There is one particular variation of this behavior which really boils my oil. I call it the one-lane highway syndrome. I maintain a very extensive mailing list and sometimes I get asked to send out notices of events. I will admit that I used to do so routinely as a friendly accommodation. But a number of experiences have caused me to rethink that response. Here is an example of what I mean:
A person who runs events was in the habit of asking me to inform my contacts about them. At first I complied but then something happened that changed my mind. I asked for support for an event that I had organized. The individual responded that, since a competing organization was part of the event, he couldn’t support it. I realized that, should I have applied the same conditions, I would have not mailed out my notices. So I guess he saw me as a greater fool. Subsequently I requested another favor only to receive a variation of the same response. The message was clear – this is a one-lane highway and that lane runs from you to me! I owe you nothing in return for your consideration and support! [Minus twenty points]
7. They Are Inconsiderate: I have watched people cut out a third member in a group in order to drill down to what they obviously see as the ‘golden fleece’ – maybe the senior member of the group. Occasionally it has gotten so bad that I had to ask them to leave. I have seen people invade a private house and hijack a social occasion with an ideological tirade. I have seen guests disrespect their host and wonder why people find them repugnant. After all, aren’t they just telling everybody the truth?
When something like this happens, I am reminded of A Light Woman – a poem by Robert Browning which observes:
‘Tis an awkward thing to play with souls,
And matter enough to save one’s own
These idiot-logues – these ‘players-with-souls’ – are to be avoided at all costs. Civility is a compliment easily given and almost always graciously received. Boorishness is just that – boorish. What an individual will do socially is a pale reflection of what they will do in business relationships. [Minus twenty points]
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84 Responses to “Eleven Habits of Self-Sabotaging People”
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Carolyn Edlund wrote:
I read the article, and found the author to be extremely judgmental and wondered if there is anyone he could not put down. Keeping scores on what people do for him vs. what he does for them is a bit much. He should stop “boiling his oil” (his words) and try to remain calm. It might make him feel better!
Jim Burke wrote;
A deadly one: assuming that you have the other person’s concurrence or permission, without asking.
Full Disclosure: I shared the article without asking
Thanks Dan – glad that i could supply a reason to smile. Dr. Smith
Dan McKenna, MA, LPC wrote:
Great points. I could not help but laugh. (sometimes uneasily… ;^)
I also enjoyed your life coaching blog. Inspirational work.
William, Thanks for the compliment. I am from Connecticut but have spent enough time in the south to pick up some tendencies. I did live in New York City for 18 years – and consider it my home town. One thing I have discovered is that there are self-sabotaging behaviors in all these cultures. The tendency to shoot oneself in the foot is, alas, ever with us. As humans we have the unique capability to commit such self-mutilations and then learn from the experience. Thank goodness for forums like Linked In where we can share our experiences and learn from each other. Dr. Smith
Jim Burke wrote:
Keeping score or not is really irrelevant. The point is that the list represents conduct that we may experience or, in some cases, unwittingly commit. Having a look at the effects that conduct may have on another is useful, whether or not the other person is taking a tally.
Cheers
Jim
Thanks to all for adding to the discussion. I have had a lot of feedback on the article and other related questions that I posed on Linked In. The challenges that founders and senior team members face in building a business are hard enough without having to deal with the internal frictions that these behaviors can generate. Management owes it to the rest of the team to reduce and, if possible, eliminate such frictions. After all, the well being of all can be seriously degraded by the unthinking actions of a few. Dr. Smith
Carolyn Edlund wrote:
I read the article, and found the author to be extremely judgmental and wondered if there is anyone he could not put down. Keeping scores on what people do for him vs. what he does for them is a bit much. He should stop “boiling his oil” (his words) and try to remain calm. It might make him feel better!
Dana Cogar wrote:
Very interesting, in part because I have experienced many of the actions which you note. Now, time to start thinking about how to better handle those situations. I also really like your scoring method. Something else to consider.
Jim Burke wrote:
A deadly one: assuming that you have the other person’s concurrence or permission, without asking. Full Disclosure: I shared the article without asking
Thanks Dan – glad that i could supply a reason to smile. Dr. Smith
Dan McKenna, MA, LPC wrote:
Great points. I could not help but laugh. (sometimes uneasily… ;^)
I also enjoyed your life coaching blog. Inspirational work.
Tony Edwards wrote:
Earl:
Great article. I would like to suggest another;
Negative Language.
In trying to understand and analyze a particular issue in an organization, I suggested to the Board of Directors that the reasons for the particular “issue under discussion” might be related to the organizations’ maturity level or age or that there might have been some other dysfunction.
The directors promptly accused me of saying that their organization was “Dysfunctional”. Even though I had not intended to label the organization, the mere use of the negative term had the unintended outcome of Negative Labelling.
In the future I will be more careful when discussing “Issues” / “problems” in organizations and come up with more positive ways to convey “Negative / Adverse” findings.
Melinda Sorensson wrote:
Dr. Smith, yes, I agree completely.It is cultural, I am afraid. We do not have some of these mental struggles in the Philippines where the main concern is survival. Food. We are generally happy just to be alive.
I think mental diseases, not counting those that are biochemically rooted, are a product of an affluent society, a sense of entitlement to everything.
I have had clients/friends who have been to the best private schools, vacationed in Europe during the summers, attended summer camps and still could only focus on “My parents did not love me”. They were born and raised here in the US.
In the Philippines, we assume and never question that since our parents had us, they love us, unconditionally, and forever whether they hug us a lot or not or whether they gave us things or not.
We “knew” beyond a shadow of any doubt that they loved us because we knew that they would sacrifice a meal so that we could buy the books for school, usually from the US, and therefore costs in dollars, because we needed it.
In the Philippines, age is a sign of wisdom. We want the old people to interact with us.
Thanks.
Melinda
Melinda, I think that ‘unwiring’ is particularly difficult in cultures that focus on youth and being ever young. The old idea of being born again has to do with that unwiring that you mention. The second birth is one into adulthood and away from the wiring that you got from your parents and family – to become a person in your own right. Dr. Smith
Melinda Sorensson wrote:
I love the article, thank you for sharing. I would like to add, if I may, basing on my work as coach to some business people. It is very difficult to “unwire” from childhood experiences, so difficult that after six months of weekly hour coaching they go back to childhood experiences and blame it on their current behaviour/outlook.
Change has to come from within. There is no other way. That change has to be self sustaining. It requires a tremendous amount of will power and self discipline or a very knowledgeable person to help.
Melinda M. Sorensson
Mitch, Thanks for the comment. I would observe that there are some cultures in which negotiation is a form of social engagement. Some behaviors which are considered essential for social interactions in one culture are impositions in another. I remember a trip to Egypt some years back and the disappointment on the face of a shop keeper when I agreed to his asking price. My friend took me aside afterward and explained that my behavior was counter-cultural. Buddhists tend to think in terms other than the diachronic framework so prevalent in the west. Taking your point a bit further, I would suggest that self-sabotaging behaviors are best defined within cultural contexts.
Tom, I agree with your formulation. I suspect that many self-sabotaging behaviors have their roots in such a syndrome. Of course, the operative questions is whether any organization is willing or able to bear the cost of correcting that syndrome. My experience with businesses leads me to believe that the answer is not much. In the west, the function of smoothing out such behaviors is left to the educational system. I am not sure that is a good solution but I have found it to be the foundation of attitudes towards self-sabotaging behaviors.
Dr. Smith
Tom Adam wrote:
Earl,
Great topic and an equally insightful article. I’d like to offer up one more source of self-sabotaging behavior as well: as a way to reinforce poor self-esteem and/or hostility and anger.
I’ve run across my share of people who consistently shoot themselves in the foot; some personally, some professionally, and many both. In getting to more deeply understand these individuals one will find that, to put it simply, they think of themselves as failures, as unworthy, or as deserving of punishment. As a result they have to screw up somehow, often just when they’re on the verge of even the smallest success, in order to maintain the negative image they have of themselves. To paraphrase from an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, “If a man is convinced he’s going to [fail] tomorrow, he’s bound to find a way to make it happen”.
The hostility and anger piece comes from the reactions they have to how other people address the behavior they’ve just shown. If their behavior prompts a negative reaction from others, they can give themselves permission to be angry at those people for it, and let’s face it: some people have a need to stew in their anger and resentment that can reach pathological levels.
My 2 cents on the matter.
Mitch Pisik wrote:
Great question.
I believe that virtually every decision and action that a person enacts is based on avoiding pain or incurring pleasure. I have witnessed countless times in the companies and divisions that I have run that the prevalent force-by far- in most people is avoiding pain. A great example are in negotiations. Why do most people not negotiate more? Because they would rather not incur the “pain” of hearing no then the “pleasure” of paying a lower price. Which brings me to the answer at hand: people exhibit what to others may appear to be self-sabotaging because each of us have different levels of acceptable pain and pleasure. To some people the “cost/pain” of doing the “right/beneficial” action is not worth the corresponding “benefit/pleasure”. If I can be of any further assistance, just let me know. mpisik@aol.com
Jeff, thanks for the comment. I have had lots of positive feedback on the article and other related questions I posed on Linked In. Taking the time to think about the corrosive effects of these behaviors – on both organizations and careers – can make a real difference in both. The reduction of internal frictions can unlock
major creative forces.
Charles, happy to have made a contribution. It is the personal adjustments that can make a real difference in career results.
Dr. Smith
Charles Adams wrote:
Thank you for the insight. I cringed as I discovered one I have personally been guilty of. I will gladly make the appropriate adjustment. Thanks again for the wisdom.
Jeff Najar wrote:
My assumption was that you were writing about how you can exercise your personal self-sabotaging behaviors. I was surprised to find a format to evaluate your business relations… Well done, it provided a new insight into my business development program.
Dr-Smith.comDr-Smith.comDr-Smith.com
Victor, Thanks for the comment. I like the additions to the list – particularly the first one. I agree that such abusive behavior should be heavily penalized. The second one also resonates with my experience. I would add that another abusive and self-sabotaging behavior is failing to recognize and return a favor that somebody else has done for you. I do work with many people in the PE and alternative investment area. Most of my work is with companies that VCs have concerns about – performance is not meeting expectations. Needless to say, the experience has generated a lot of ‘war stories’ and a bit of wisdom. Take a look at my website – http://www.Dr-Smith.com . Dr. Smith
Victor Nowicki wrote:
You should add to the list in your article the following:
1. Failure to return a call when provided with specific proposal, previously solicited. A simple thank you, no thank you is +30 points, no call back is -30. If you ask for a business relationship, maintain it.
2. Asking for a favor but failing to provide details/follow through behind it. -10 points. Another way of wasting someone time and reputation?
3. Calling and pre-positioning with ” I only got 30 seconds”. Hang up immediately and deduct 20 points. Why would you that person think that you have more then that?
Well, you must be dealing with a lot people in the PE or alternative investment area!
Felix, Glad that you enjoyed the article. I’ve had a bunch of people use variations of the system. It does make you very aware of these behaviors and their impacts. Dr. Smith
Felix Rodriguez wrote:
Excellent thinking and point system. There are many times when you feel used or taken advantaged of by some individuals. I had no way of tracking this behavior or assigning numbers to the behaviors. The business and personal world is one or should be one of balances, give an take, my idea is to give more that I take; however, this great world of ours is a two way street. Therefore, if in your travels, you find too many one-way streets heading against your direction, I highly recommend adapting this point system it to your own style.
Roland K. Orlie wrote:
Solid networking and a good network of trusted friends might save you probably from the worst. Otherwise, we all learn from our mistakes, don’t we? Sometimes I note to others what might about to happen to their “career takeoff”. The only other one I know is to do some solid listening! Makes life interesting. You can always write a case and teach it at a business school. Ha, ha!
Michelle K. Mondragon wrote:
During my entire upbringing, my mother and our family were always late to events. So, as young woman with a family, I always found myself running late. Even to work. It cost me a lucrative job with the Bell System (7yrs).
In later years, I discovered through research that Chicanos’ (once called Hispanos), time clock had been set differently due to culture. It is not bad practice to be a few minutes late – its cordial and well mannered.
They’re up early to rise, and down during the afternoon, back up and often don’t eat until 9pm and to bed even later.
However, because my culture allows this, doesn’t mean that I could use this as an excuse to be continually late. I’m living outside my culture – so after losing the BS job, I started setting all my clocks 10 minutes ahead. And I do mean all my clocks. My kids were raised with clocks preset this way.
I’m rarely late any longer. Because even if we know about the 10 minutes it brings it forth to you mind – timeliness.
And by the way I’m a natural analyst – equipped with higher education in Behavioral studies.
Sabyasachi Ghosh wrote:
Arrogance, Over confidence, Lack of attention to minute details, Aggresiveness, Anger, Lack of subject matter expertise are some of the traits which are self sabotaging.
August Turak wrote:
Apology accepted! Just don’t let it happen again or you go into my “jerk” pile!
Actually I do a bit of “hired gun” consulting just to keep sharp. I work with CEO’s on revenue type stuff not HR types.
It is too much to go into in detail but I recently put a plan together for a company in NYC that meant a ten percent bump directly to the bottom line.
Of course the devil is in the implementation and I was the Tsar of that as well. Long story short it almost came a cropper when a young kid who everyone had identified as a “jerk” and I rhad eached out to saved the day for me and the company’s huge wad of recurring revenue.
I am now going to use it as a case study in my own work. Fact is I am one of those idiots who ENJOYS reaching out and trying to reach people. Parenets both teachers so I guess its in the genes.
I have most (not all!) of the money, prestige, etc i need for one trip. My kick comes from seeing a human being or organization transformed.
Again, I doubt you and I are very far apart. I know how to use a size twelve when i have to. I believe the good of the team must trump the individual. I just figured out that when I CARE it comes across and helps me in ways i could never imagine. Take care and thanks for posting this discussion.
August, sorry for the ‘hurt’ – I work as a coach at times and have had the same experience – dramatic change in a short period of time. But I have avoided the therapist’s role by structuring those engagements around specific exercises focused on real-time experiences. I wish I could share your enthusiasm for the salvation of ‘jerks’ but my experience has been that one here is still one there. One of my ‘flags’ when talking to a potential client is how hot the fire for change burns against how much real potential for change exists. It is so easy to identify self-destructive behaviors – particularly in others – and so hard to change patterns that have been developed over the years. In business, the hard fact is that the effort required is pure overhead. When unemployment is very low, some companies are forced to pay that price. When it is very high ….. Dr. Smith
August Turak wrote:
Dear Dr. Smith, a “consultants point of view”??/ You really know how to hurt a guy.
As a matter of fact I am a line guy all the way. Started out as a sales rep, went on up the ladder to line VP positions and then started two of my own software companies which I sold for a tidy sum seven years later. I built these companies on a couple of grand in total investment so –especially in the early years—I didn’t have the pick of the litter when it came to hiring. As my old mentor used to say, I had to build a superior company out of ordinary folks.
I still agree that most of the time all we can do is avoid the jerks both personally and professionally in the interst of the team. But hiring and firing gets expensive. While I don’t pretend to be a therapist, I have seen people make dramatic changes with the right coaching etc. We see it in professional sports all the time. One coaches’ cast off “jerk” becomes another teams star. By the way working on a few jerks can have beneifits in another way. Other people see the leader trying to help and even if he fails in that specific case it creates a better relationship with ten or twenty others.
Finally working hard to help others with their self destructive behviors helped me see some of my own. Having to be right all the time was one of my worst and the fact that I’m arguing with you right now probably suggests it still is!!
Thanks for the comments. I would suggest that both are driven by the consultant’s point of view. As a six-time CEO, my approach is always to eliminate the friction caused by these behaviors. I generally give the offending person a couple of chances to straighten up. If they don’t make the change, I show them the door. Quite frankly, I am not very interested in underlying issues and don’t feel that it is the responsibility of either the company or CEO to deal with them. That’s what therapists are for. In the meantime, I don’t think that a company should be asked to foot the bill or deal with the destructive effects of ongoing self-sabotaging behaviors. The cost to the rest of the team is simply too high. Dr. Smith
imposterhood.comimposterhood.comimposterhood.com
Julie Garland McLellan wrote:
This is a great topic for discussion. I agree with August that there are underlying issues causing this behaviour.
These issues can be solved; it takes time and effort. I have been lucky to know Suzanne Mercier who is a specialist in the imposter syndrome. It is one of the things that causes these self sabotaging behaviours and is one that can be fixed with a little effort and some perseverance.
You know that saying ‘who am I to be beautiful, talented, …’? It is part of the syndrome. We all feel it sometimes. The olympian who says ‘I don’t know why I won’ or the Oscar winner who says it was a surprise (after all those years of effort) to win, the successful company director who puts their career down to luck and ‘being in the right place at the right time’. Those are the people who have their imposterhood under control and succeed. Earl is writing about the people whose imposterhood is ruining their lives (and the lives of the people around them).
Don’t avoid them – help them. We can’t afford to write off half of the human race as ‘jerks’. We need to get them to be productive and happy people just like us (most of the time). You can read more about the syndrome at http://www.imposterhood.com
I hope this helps.
August Turak wrote:
Dr. Smith, great list. I share your feelings. However all of these are symptoms of deeper issues. Issues like insecurity or downright laziness. Tactically and pragmatically I agree that the best we can do is keep track and avoid these kinds of people. Strategically, we are up against the more unsavory elements of human nature. It all come down to the ability to see what is actually in our best interest as opposed to what may SEEM to be in our best interest. This problem is as old as Socrates. As lively and even amusing as your article was, I felt like at heart it is just saying “avoid jerks.”
Paul Jones wrote:
Bryan, interesting comment. My experiences have taught me that most of the time the person exhibiting the negative behaviors, knows they are but does not know how to change or have the committment to change. If they did they would have already done it. It is easy for us to say they have to change.
I can’t tell you how many profiles and personality assessments that I have reviewed (after the fact), that all said person XYZ has a certain problem that they need to fix.
NONE of these assessments gave person XYZ the insight to make a difference in their lives. So who are we kidding? Most of the assessment tools typically just confirm what we already know about ourselves, but leave it up to us to fix ourselves. Again, if we knew how to fix ourselves we would have already done it.
It is much more difficult, but greatly rewarding, to develop someone that is committed to the point of making a change in behavior.
I just met a person this morning that is a very intelligent, young and passionate person, but is so strong in their presence and their introduction that they just turn you off. This person knows this about themself and is driven to change their behavior. This person is committed to making a change for their personal and professional success.
If an individual is committed to changing, then they can decide to change within the company they are in or to find a different culture where they will be understood and more of a fit.
If the company is using the assessment tool for individual growth then the company also has to support the individuals behavior change.
If the company is using the assessment tool to hire and fire, then someone they believe is mis-placed needs to be given support to find themself a new home.
Paulj.
Bryan Doran wrote:
Agreed on the need for the person to make changes and the short time frame that upper management has for those changes. The person exhibiting the behaviors, and once highlighted to them, have the responsibility to improve and eliminate the problems.
Conan, I am familiar with Logan’s work. The one objection that I have to it is that it can put the entire issue of self-sabotaging behaviors within the context of tribalism. It ignores the possibility of a pluralistic vision that can be shared by an entire team. The power of a team is magnified when they decide to treat all members with respect and consideration.
Bryan, You raise an important point. It is important to offer feedback to people who are behaving in self-sabotaging ways. My experience in this area has been spotty. Some quickly realize the negative impact and make important changes – adding to the potential for both themselves and the team. Others steadfastly refuse to change. An important consideration is how much effort a company can afford to put out – how much expense and collateral damage it is willing to absorb. I think that most senior executives work on a two strike rule – two discussions on the topic and, if there is no significant improvement, the person is shown the door.
Dr. Smith
Bryan Doran wrote:
Certainly an interesting read and I can sympathize with the items on that list. In one of my former positions, I managed new recruits. I spent time with a lot of them telling them about the impact their behaviors had on others, particularly tardiness or unpreparedness. Most were unaware how their actions affected others’ opinions of them. By making direct statements to the person in question in a neutral environment and giving them a gentle nudge about how they would like to be perceived and/or respected, most changed these behaviors. The results of the behaviors and habits seem obvious in retrospect and if the person thought about them, he/she’d figure it out, but often the person may be so wrapped up in his/her tasks or minutae of his/her life that it went unexplored.
I certainly like to give people a chance by telling them if something bothers me before writing them off.
ted.comted.comted.com
Conan Callen wrote:
Dr. Smith,
I watched a video last night that has some interesting relationships to your paper.
Tribal Leaders by David Logan.
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/david_logan_on_tribal_leadership.html
David’s basic premis is that humans groups operate at one of 5 ‘Tribal’ levels and that its a leaders objective to help these groups to climb this lader of tribal evolution.
Rather then groups passing from one level to the next, I think that a group exihibits all five levels in verying degrees. And even though the are at level 4, there is still level 1 behavior. In fact, the levels are built on top of each other, like the layers of an onion, so level 1 is always present, even at level 5.
Thanks for a set of great comments. I have learned over the years that the friction within a team is most often based on these self-sabotaging behaviors. The difficulty is to get change – key members of the team can behave in ways that damage the potential for success. It seems to me that one of the key contributions that any leader can make is to help ease these frictions. Conan’s point is particularly relevant here. Leaders must me actors as well as thinkers. Their ability to surprise the rest of the team with superior performance is essential to standing as a leader. Dr. Smith
Conan Callen wrote:
On the execution of strategy, it can be a difficult challenge for a leader to see past these issues and get the team focused on achieving the strategic goals.
Robert Carsia wrote:
Perhaps there are some dots here to connect.
Vicious corporate Darwinism is taking over workplaces as recession pressure sets in, experts say, with people eviscerating each other over everything from missed deadlines to messy office kitchens.
Stress over impending or imagined layoffs, “survivor’s guilt” for those who dodge the axe and a panicked need to appear indispensable is mounting, they say, creating dysfunction in all sectors and levels of the corporate hierarchy.
“When times get tough, people get tougher on one another. They start acting more as individuals looking out for their own skins,” says Heather MacKenzie, a lawyer and president of The Integrity Group, a Vancouver consulting firm specializing in workplace conflict.
“I use the analogy of Survivor all the time: it’s outwit, outplay, outlast.”
GO TEAM!
So, how much fun is all of this?
Paul Jones wrote:
Interesting Article. I classify these individuals as disengaged. All companies have some form of the disengaged workers. Some just stay below the radar as they have a paycheck and don’t care about anything else. Others don’t know where the company/boss is going, don’t like the company/boss or don’t agree with where the company/boss are taking the company.
These people are frustrated personally and professionally. These people, more often than not, have the talents and skills, but their subconscious decisions lead to their demise.
My experiences have shown that with disengaged workers/individuals, that it does not matter how good the plans , or processes are; if the 3 three key elements are not aligned, especially the people, the successes will be mediocore at best.
The 3 key elements are “Plans”, “Processes” and “People”. There must be alignment with all 3, to achieve successes that you never thought were possible.
Paulj.
Frank Van Dijk wrote:
Interesting article and comments on your site. I tried to respond but my browser kept getting stuck on this CAPTCHA Code.
I concur with John Glass on the style, but won’t argue with the content. For me personally these are all things that my parent taught me growing up and maybe parents reading this should take note.
Over the last twenty years I have lived on three continents and have worked in many countries (50+) across the globe. There certainly is a cultural aspect to this and there are countries where this list would be shorter and certainly places where it would be longer. This has to do with our differences in norms and values. For example people showing up late in countries like Spain is a given, while in Germany it would be a capital sin. Guess my point is that the article is a good trigger to think about those we interact with but that I would recommend to develop your own list as required by your environment.
Dr. Smith,
I would like to thank you for this exceedingly insightful post. Not only are you on point with the annoying behaviors (and I find that the negative perspective helps to clearly identify the annoyance), but your scoring system is something that I need to adopt. While I have a decent enough memory to apply to extreme cases, I would benefit from a more methodical approach.
Thanks again. I’ll be reading your blog more regularly.
-ASB: http://XeeSM.com/AndrewBaker
Providing Competitive Advantage through Effective IT Leadership
Loved your article. Right on point! If you have a mailing list I would be honored to be added to it.
Phil
CEO
BioFuel Technologies
Great advice for freelancers, Dr Smith.
Any tips for those of us in a less exalted position? It’s one thing to blow off a high maintenance contact you may never see again, but any tips on working with/around a high maintenance boss, a superficial colleague, an unfocused buddy of a senior manager, an ungrateful supplier, an unaware but key-to-business customer?
Andrew, Visit my website (http://www.dr-smith.com) and click on the “Questions” category. I posed a bunch of questions like yours on Linked In and got some very valuable responses – including ones on high-maintenance contacts.
I guess we all practice some kind of intuitive system, but it really helps to have it explained and spelt out. Perfecting it is down to experience and thanks to you I can probably fast forward about 5 years, many thanks.
Btw, I printed out your article and gave them to my husband. He is a surgeon: I think your points apply to to all walks of life, not just business.
I liked your article and agree with all of the points, but I found it caged in negative terms. (“things you shouldn’t do”)
Flipping each points around provide the positive guidance and advice needed by many people:
i.e.
Be on time
Be prepared
Be focused
Be low maintenaince
etc
etc
etc
It would have been nice to end the article with a review of the positive behaviors to emulate.