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Honesty has to be the coin of the realm
I remember Moms Mabley used to say “I’d rather pay a young man’s airfare from New York to Los Angeles then tell an ol’ man the distance.” That kind of stuck with me over the years. But then Moms was also fond of saying, “There ain’t nothin’ an ol’ man can do but bring me a message from a young one.” That used to seem funnier some years ago – but that is another story for another time!
Some time ago I decided that the way to help people was to go right at the problem and help them face it rather than diverting their attention from it. Brian Roberts, a good friend and host of ABC radios “Taking Care of Business” and CEO of Croix Connect once said about me “Dr. Smith is a very different kind of coach. If you’re looking for a warm and fuzzy adviser, this is the wrong guy for you. But if you are dedicated to change and want to be challenged by a very experienced mentor Earl may be just what you are looking for.” If you’re not getting directness and honesty from your coach, don’t waste your money – write Dear Abby.
Insistence on personal responsibility
With coaching, as with life, you get out of it what you put into it. And the principle thing that you put into coaching is an insistence on taking personal responsibility for your actions and the results of the engagement. This is not something that you can finesse. It is certainly not something that a good coach should allow you to get away with. But it is not up to the coach to insist that you live up to your commitments and standards – it is up to you.
For some of my clients who have had difficulty in developing long-term relationships or in keeping their commitments I have developed an approach which has proved highly productive. I have the student by a small notepad which they carry around in their pocket. Every time they make a commitment, they take out the notepad and write it down. During our coaching sessions we use the notebook as a guide. At first they tend to be rather spotty in the process of making notes. But after awhile they discover the massively positive effect on their lives – and of becoming known as someone who takes their commitments very seriously. Eventually the notebook becomes unnecessary as the client has developed an insistence on taking personal responsibility for their life and their commitments.
Focus on what is important
In the movie Finding Forrester Sean Connery was given a wonderful line. When his young student asked him a very serious question, Forrester replies “That’s not what you would call a soup question.” By that the author meant that it wasn’t a question like “What kind of soup do you want?” Good coaching begins with a focus on the important and burrows its way to the central.
You are the gatekeeper when it comes to this issue. It is your courage to face the important challenges rather than waste your time and the coaches on the ‘soup questions’ of life. It is also your responsibility to gauge the courage of your coach. If they cannot seem to bring themselves to go with you to the places you need to go then you need to think hard about getting another coach.
Intellectual understanding is not behavior change
Progress in a productive coaching engagement is a measure of actual and sustained behavior change. Many coaches seem to think that achieving an intellectual understanding of a particular challenge is equivalent to having mastered it. Anybody who has tried to break a bad habit knows that not to be the case. Real change requires sustained effort to supplant the negative with a positive. I am reminded of the old maxim “They that can’t do teach”. Life is not an intellectual exercise and good coaching generates behavior change. For most of us the way to understand economics is not through a university classroom but through engaging in a business and viscerally experiencing its impact.
Avoid the simple, quick fixes and packaged ideologies
I know coaches who have built their practice on a particular test or structured approach. Some tests are useful in a coaching engagement but it is important that they only be seen as generating data that the coach and the client can then work on. Many of these practitioners see the results of the tests as the final product – the final judgment on their client. You should avoid these people. They often have more interest in worshiping the pristine logic of their approach than helping you grow.
I even know one individual who is absolutely certain that the incredible diversity of humankind can be reduced to minor variations on eight categories. I don’t know about you but I find it grossly offensive when an individual who has just met me begins to tell me who I am before they have spent any effort trying to find out who I am. Most people are offended by such treatment. You should be on your guard and avoid them because they don’t care who you are – only how you fit into their scheme.
The good rule here is to avoid engaging a coach who focuses on their system and select one that focuses on you. The coach is in service to you – you are not in service to the coach’s ideology. After all, you are the client and you are paying the fee.
Your growth is the primary goal
And finally it is important early on to establish the metrics against which progress in the engagement is going to be measured. If you’re interviewing a coach who wants to remain fuzzy on the idea of metrics, it is probably a good idea to walk away and look elsewhere. A reputable coach will be happy to work with you to establish those metrics so that you can balance the cost of the coaching against the progress you’re making.
Remember that the core purpose of a coaching engagement is to help you grow and experience a life that you are capable of but not actually achieving.
© Dr. Earl R. Smith II
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Related Articles:
- Making the Possible Probable
- Executive Coaches as Mentors and Advisers
- Five Reasons Why Every Entrepreneur Needs A Business Coach
- Coaching Drives Growth
- Coaching and Self-Knowledge
- Corporate Team Building through Coaching
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