Do I Deserve a Coach?

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My coaching practice frequently brings me into contact with people with huge amounts of untapped potential who are being stymied by self-limiting behavior. Over the years probably two-thirds of my initial conversations with potential coaching clients have begun with a focus on whether or not the individual sees themselves as deserving (feels worthy of) the attention and support of a professional coach.

The various assumptions that underlie this self doubt are legion. They range from ‘I have to do this on my own otherwise it is not legitimate’ to ‘I am not important enough to warrant the attention of an experienced coach’. One of my favorite rationales is “I don’t have time to work with a coach”. This one is roughly equivalent to saying “I’m too busy driving to have the time to stop for gas.”

Many individuals have spent years caught in the headlights of their own on-rushing locomotive. Over and over again many of these people have approached the possibility of real change only to turn back. In each case they defend a decision which is equivalent to fighting a life or death contest without the services of an experienced professional guide.

Think about it for a minute. You are never going to pass this way again. All you will have is what you can make of the opportunities which come before you. As the old saying goes ‘fortune favors the prepared mind’. Preparation is always the key to being able to take advantage of the chances that life offers. Not training to take advantage of those chances borders on the criminal. And it’s not just your life that is affected, but the lives of everyone who cares for or depends on you for the quality of theirs.

What You Deserve Vrs. What You Need

Dealing with, or more properly failing to deal with, self-sabotaging behavior is often the major reason that individuals continue to experience a life which is far less than optimal. Time and again I have listened to a client, who has finally made a real break through wondering, aloud why they spent so much time wandering, unguarded, in the wilderness – how much the better they feel now that they have focus and direction. I just smile and suggest that it makes no sense to try to explain ‘then’ in terms of ‘now’.

That last idea is an important one. Now makes sense in terms of now. But real change requires real change. Once you accomplish that real change, the way you were then seems to make less sense in terms of how you are now. Confused? Well, let’s try a very old Chinese proverb.

As the story is told, there is a blood oath among all dragonfly larvae. Each swears that, once they have traveled across the boundary from the water that has nurtured them to whatever lies beyond (air) that they will come back and tell all the others that were left behind what it is like. But, of course, none ever has!

But with humans there is a way out of this dilemma. Where some have gone they can return and help others make the same journey – and make it more easily and productively. As humans we can learn by experience and teach others our hard earned lessons. And that journey begins with a redefinition of the question at the beginning of this column. “Do I deserve a coach?” becomes “Why do I continue to deny myself those things which will help me have a better life?” You see it isn’t a question of what you deserve but how much better your life will be because of what you allow yourself to have.

You are the architect of your own life or its demolition squad. It is your choice and no one else’s.

All my coaching clients have made the journey from being transfixed by the suspicion that they don’t deserve a coach to the widening horizons that come with having given themselves the gift of being supported. They came to realize that by not engaging a coach they were sabotaging their own potential and sacrificing their quality of life to an ill thought out aspect of their self image. In short, they decided to be supportive of their own self interests. But mostly they have accepted that real change requires a commitment to making real changes.

Getting Started – A Few Simple Rules

Let’s say that you are willing to entertain the possibility that you could benefit from the support of a coach. Let’s also assume that you have spent some time identifying areas that you would like to start working on. You are able to talk clearly and openly about those areas and the progress that you would want to make. How would you go about deciding which coach would fit your needs – which one you would find working with productive?

Seek out those people who have engaged a coach and ask them about their experiences. Your first surprise may come when you learn how many people – particularly successful people – have a coach. Some of them have probably tried multiple coaches before they found the one which suits their needs. Talk to them about those experiences and try to learn from their mistakes and successes.

Remember that you are unique and that your needs are going to be different from those people who have successfully engaged with a coach. But the process is going to be much the same. The process of developing a relationship with a coach is as much the responsibility of the student as the teacher. Be prepared to discover blind alleys and unproductive engagements. Keep in mind that the matching of a client with a coach is a human process and that success comes as a result of efforts from both sides. The good rule here is that in order to know you must try. In order to win you must face the possibility of failure. The right coach for you is out there. You just need to persevere in the search.

The first few sessions of any coaching engagement are critical to its eventual success. Here are a few suggestions that might be helpful:

Getting Acquainted

Every relationship begins with a get acquainted meeting and coaching is no different. You should start with the assumption that you’ll have to go through more than one of these sessions before you find a coach that you can work with. Try to organize these on neutral ground and in a relaxed location – sometimes meeting for drinks after hours or coffee during the weekend.

There are two principal objectives of these initial meetings. The first is a search for the answer to “Can I trust this person to bring value to my life?” Most often this is described as the chemistry of the relationship. The second is a search for a starting point. By the end of this first session you should have a relatively well defined agreement as to where the focus will be for the first six to nine months of the engagement.

Most get acquainted sessions are stumbling attempts. I have learned that nothing much can be done about this. Two people are working to define a common language and evolve a focus in service to one of them. There is nothing to do but do it and see how it goes.

Don’t try too big a thing at first

If I am working with a CEO and their company, I often suggest that we begin work on a relatively tactical issue. One engagement began with a focus on how the CEO was organizing and managing staff meetings. By choosing such a starting point we were able to develop a basis for good communication, establish a trusting relationship and manage a measurable improvement within a couple of months.

If I am working with an individual to help them refocus their life, I find that the same strategy works just as well. We pick something that is important but not so close to the individual’s self-image that talking about it is going to trigger all sorts of defensive responses. Twice recently I have started this kind of engagement with a focus on the difficulty the client was having in developing long term relationships.

The point here is that during the initial stages of a coaching engagement, much like the initial stages of a friendship, the relationship is not sufficiently close or robust to deal with anything approaching ‘heavy lifting’. To attempt to large a focus too early will endanger an engagement that, given time to develop, might turn out to be highly productive.

Trust is the foundation

In Zen Buddhism the rule is the teacher can teach each if the student is willing to trust them. Once that trust is established, truly amazing things can be accomplished. The student, with the help of the teacher, can learn to soar in ways they never thought possible. Trust in a coach can lead a client to making a leap of faith that they would never consider if they were unsupported. But in the early stages of an engagement it is important to recognize that this trust has yet to be developed and that its development is a primary early objective.

From a client’s point of view a fair measure of how well the engagement is going and whether or not you should continue with a particular coach is how much you trust their judgment. By the time you have worked through your first set of objectives you should have a very strong feeling as to whether or not this is someone you can trust.

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