Dr. Earl R. Smith II
Managing Partner, The Federal Circle
DrSmith@Dr-Smith.com
Dr-Smith.com
This article has its roots in a chance conversation with an old friend. He shook his head and wondered why one of his employees kept acting in ways that sabotaged his own interests. It got me to wondering – then asking – then asking some more. This is a journey inward as much as outward. After all, none of us are exempt from being human.
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Read Eleven Habits of Self-Sabotaging People – Part One
8. They are Ungrateful: I always keep a plus and minus account for each person that I have helped. This lets me identify, and then avoid, people who seem to think I am a vendor of goodies and that they have no responsibility to return the favor. You should begin to keep the same records. The first thing that you will discover is that with certain people your tendency to help is often responded to with a complete lack of gratitude and no interest at all in evening up accounts.
In his marvelous book Rising Sun, Michael Crichton has Captain John Connor talking with his junior partner Lt. Webster Smith. Connor mentions that another character once saved his life. Smith responds that Connor was being reminded of that. No, Connor replies, he would never do that. It is my obligation to remember.
People who need to be reminded to remember that you took the time and made the effort to help them should not be reminded they should be avoided. [Minus thirty points!]
One of the tendencies that I have is to put together people who I think might have common interests. Over the years I have made numerous introductions – some of which have lead to substantial amounts of business and significant relationships. For the most part these individuals repay my kindness by offering their support or introductions in areas that are important to me. But there is a small percentage that sees the contributions I make as a net benefit. I have even had a couple of these invite me to drinks and then ask “who else do you know that I should meet?” I always reply “Given my last experience with introducing somebody to you, why should I want to go through that completely unsatisfying process again?” The conversation tends toward a proclamation of exceptionalism – but it is over for me from the very beginning. At least I will get a drink out of it! [Minus twenty points]
9. They Are High Maintenance: We’ve all met this kind – or, shall I say, been subjected to them? Recently I had a meeting scheduled with a person who had contacted me suggesting collaboration on a rather major project. An hour before the meeting I received an e-mail asking if we could start half an hour later. I agreed – after all these things happen. I arrived at the restaurant on time only to wait for a further half an hour while this person navigated the four blocks from their hotel. Additionally she introduced a third individual into the meeting – contending that she had previously mentioned this person. She had, of course, not done so and the person was an irrelevant participant. It never seemed to occur to this person that she had just branded herself as an unreliable and disrespectful partner in any collaboration. First, the restaurant was an accommodation – chosen because it was close to her hotel. The delay in the start time was also an accommodation. And now my consideration was returned by subjecting me to this insulting behavior. And in the end this person was so socially unaware the she suggested that, after all her disrespectful behavior, that we split the check. [Minus thirty points]
Another of this type seems to think that a discussion of the challenges they face in delivering on their commitments is necessarily of interest to me. They go on and on about how difficult their life is and how much effort will be required to live up to their obligations under any agreement. When this starts happening, I generally close the book and move on. I will deliver on my obligations and deal with my challenges. I expect the other person to do the same. Instead they seem to want to make their problems, as well as mine, my burden. [Minus ten points]
Finally there are the types who seem to need a den mother to remind them of deadlines and obligations. You have to constantly be after them to deliver on their commitments. They see it as part of your obligation to do so. Thanks, but my life is complicated enough and you had a mother – I’m not yours now. [Minus ten points]
10. They Are Opportunistic: This behavior is decidedly predatory and easy to spot. Go to any ‘networking’ event and you will see them prowling around. They go from person to person with basically the same proposition. “Hi, I’m so-and-so and I need this. Can you provide it?” Nothing about who you are or even who they are – they apparently are only a need that you either can satisfy or become nothing to them.
I am a big believer in the proposition that whenever opportunity knocks it is best to open the door. My experience is also that opportunity will flee when confronted with an assault rifle or a lunge for the jugular. Most people, when approached by someone who is clearly not interested who they are – only in how they can be used to satisfy a need, are offended. Productive relationships are not built on predatory tendencies. [Minus ten points]
11. They Are Full of Hubris: I have saved this one for last because it is by far the most egregious behavior of self-sabotaging people. Hubris arises out of the cult of self-anointed-celebrity – individuals who have lost contact with the fact that they, like all of the rest of us, are human – that they are just as fallible as the rest of us – that they are going to die like the rest of us – and that they should respect others as they wish to be respected.
This type of person is an expert at the one-lane-highway proposition. It is, of course, their right to expect that things only move in one direction – from you to them. You are after all, their lesser! What could be more reasonable? So here is my question, why would you have anything to do with such a person? Because of what they could do for you! Grow up and smell the night-soil. They will never do anything for you – you will only do for them.
I organized a program that involved a panel. It was one of my ‘cruise ship’ programs – we ran it during a Caribbean cruise. I had scheduled a meeting with a person who had expressed an interest in the program and the panel. Prior to our meeting, I had supplied the brochure, URL address for the event website and a fairly detailed description of the mutually beneficial arrangements that we should focus on. So we met at this office. It quickly became clear that the only question on his mind was “Am I on the panel?” “Well how about the quid pro quo suggestions,” I replied? “You should be happy that I have agreed to be on your panel. My name alone is enough contribution,” was effectively the response. And this from a minor player from a mid-range firm. Such self-aggrandizement is butt ugly. [Minus fifty points]
Here is another one. I build advisory boards as business development engines. They are the most productive way I have ever found to turbo-charge the process. The boards are made up of four to seven highly experienced and connected individuals. Their job is to identify major chunks of new business and to assist the company to capture that business through a strong and persistent advocacy. Occasionally an individual is interviewed for board membership who is convinced that their presence on the board will be enough to draw new business in. They think that making introductions is enough. What is fascinating about these individuals is that they have combined a radical overestimation of their important with a massively delusional vision of the way business is actually done. [Minus fifty points]
Using the System My files get updated after each meeting, phone call or other experience. When a person’s score drops below 80, I put them on the ‘provisional’ list. These are people I will do business with only if there is no other option with a higher score. When a person’s score drops below 60, I let them know that I am not interested in dealing with them unless they can improve my experience with them. When the score drops below 50, I don’t return calls.
Well, there it is. Give it a test drive and let me know what you think. Send me your stories – enter them in the comment box below. I would like to hear from you.
© Dr Earl R. Smith II
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