Adults in Wonderland
Posted by Dr. Earl R. Smith II in Blog, Personal Growth, tags: adviser, advisor, advisory board, Alice, Alice in Wonderland, board of directors, CEO, chairman, coaching, consulting, director, Executive Coaching, Governance, Leadership, leadership assessment, leadership coaching, leadership development, leadership styles, Life Coaching, management assessment, non-profit, nonprofit, Personal Growth, spirituality, turnaround, Turnaround Management, WonderlandDr. Earl R. Smith II
DrSmith@Dr-Smith.com
www.Dr-Smith.com
There is no freedom like being able to say what you truly mean – not what others want you appear to mean – nor what you might say in the throes of an adolescent tantrum – but to clearly say in a measured fashion exactly what you mean. Here’s the rabbit hole – down we go.
My experience has been that very few people actually get to enjoy that freedom. It used to upset me a lot more than it does now. I have come to realize that most of humanity will live their life without uttering more than a handful of personally meaningful statements. That this is a tragedy – particularly given our increasing lifespan – might be widely agreed on – even with objections to my choice of the word ‘few’. But I have lately spent time thinking about the why of it all. So far, I have considered a few what I call syndromes.
I am what I’m told to be: There are actually two versions of this one. The first – and probably the one you thought of – turns on the relationship between a child and parents. There are children who never break out of that dynamic. Their lives are extensions of what their parents wanted them to be – how their parents insisted that they be. The result is an unthinking acceptance of ‘who I am’. The self-image tends to be relatively static. People in their late 60s behave like adolescents because that is all they ever learned how to do. I call this one daddy’s meaning.
A second version of this syndrome turns around the evolving question of identify in a highly fluid social context. Examples are easy to find – particularly in the political realm.
Pollsters have taken to calling these people ‘information light’ voters. Followers of one or another talking head get their ‘talking points’ every day and spend the rest of that day parroting. I call this ‘borrowed meaning’.
The spoiled child syndrome: “If you don’t let me win, I’m going to take my ball and go home.” Heard that – or a close variation – recently? I did – and the child was in his 60s. This seems to be a reaction out of pure frustration with a reality which refuses to conform to the person’s expectations. Always lurking just below the surface and ready to break out, the spoiled child ends up saying things for effect – not because they are meaningful within the context. I call this one a ‘child’s meaning’.
Expediency is My Co-Pilot: ‘It seemed like the thing to say at the time’. That is one version of the syndrome – people who just say what comes to their mind without the intervening filter of thought. But the more insidious are the opportunists. These are people who will say anything that advances their interests. Other than every politician on the planet, there are lots of these people around. I recently watched one cover up her failure by making up a story about one of her co-workers. The sad part was that everybody in the room knew that she was fabricating the whole thing.
The Mouth is Quicker Than the Mind: Humans – particularly well educated ones – can usually talk faster than they can think – and this gets some into real trouble.
For people with what I call the ‘Chris Matthews complex’ – these are people who seem to believe that the only time another person should be talking is when you are taking a breath – the game is monopolizing the channel – getting the lion’s share of the ‘air time’. But if you take the time to shuck out all the ‘filler’, you quickly realize that a less ego-involved person could have said the same thing in a fifth of the time.
People who talk first and think later – if at all – tend to leave us confused until we realize that not listening at all is the safest way to keep from wasting time.
Stop – Consider: How often do you think about something you recently said and ask yourself ‘is that really true for me’? – ‘was that what I really meant to say’? – ‘does that reflect the meaning of my life’? What does it say about how you lived a day if the answers are ‘no’?
Try thinking about it this way – you can live your life authentically and find your truths – and say them. Or, you can live your life inauthentically and spend it living out the patterns that others have impressed on you.
Cut to the Chase: You’re dead and we’re at your funeral. There are mourners gathered – maybe not as many as you would like I suppose – but what does that matter? And they are reminiscing about your life. What do you think they are saying?
- He sure was Rush’s dummy – never missed a line – read them just like they were written.
- He sure was Olbermann’s parrot – never missed a chance to repeat something from the prior night’s program.
- I spent the whole time with his parents. I would have like to have met the person in there.
- You know, I never really knew her – she was always behind those walls – well, she’s dead not – too late for any of that.
- I never heard him say anything that was truly him. He was always a conduit for somebody else.
I’ll bet you would say – ‘well, there are some people that I can say what I mean to – but with most, I can’t’. I wonder what Alice would say to that. Probably “It is better to have lived and died than never to have lived at all”.
© Dr. Earl R. Smith II
Related Articles:
- Finding a Mirror – Realizing
- Change Aversion – Coming to Terms
- Balancing Work and Life
- Yes You Can
- A Question of Identity
- Asking to Listen
- Seeking the Upward Path
Dr. Smith is a proven senior executive, successful entrepreneur, published author and public speaker. He serves on boards of directors and advisory boards or as a strategic adviser to CEOs. Dr. Smith specializes in turnaround management, strategic planning, leadership development and executive coaching. He also works as an executive and/or life coach in the areas of personal growth and spirituality. He is the author of Amazing Pace: Turbo-charged Business Development – a book that shows how Advisory Boards can dramatically increase revenue. Dr. Smith is also the author of Dream Walk: Parables for the Living – a book of Raven Tales and exploration.
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